My experiences with the Lighter Life programme

For once in my life I have absolutely nothing to do (except studying, perhaps) and my laptop is on, so it feels like otherworldly forces are telling me I need to blog.

As you guys know, I was eating normally for about a month. At first I was fairly mindful of what I ate. I felt fairly confident about my ability to manage things. As time went on though I began to feel more and more out of control. I didn't know whether my portions were suitable, I'd pick constantly and there were one or two mad moments (which became more frequent!). I was in fairly loose contact with one of the ladies from my group and hadn't spoken to my counsellor since I told her I was leaving. I had toyed with the idea of going back but didn't fancy it at all.

There were, obviously, the spoon moments documented below, which don't seem too bad but in the past fornight things just got ridiculous. I could go a whole day eating pretty well (us vegans are a defautly healthy group what with our fruit and veg consumption) but then as soon as I'd get home I'd loiter in the kitchen as if waiting for my subconscious to raid the cupboards. Without any thought whatsoever pieces of any food I was preparing for my breakfast and lunch the next day would be eaten. Grapes, banana, apple, strawberries, yoghurt, broccoli, carrots, seeds, lettuce, soup...it may not sound particularly bad but it was just moronic and greedy. The way I eat disgusts me too. It's not one carrot stick thoughtlessly munched, it's a handful...not one grape, enough to make my mouth feel stuffed. I think I must derive pleasure from mili-seconds of gluttonous overconsumption. There were no prolonged binges. It'd be everything I made though - if I was making porridge I'd have to swig some soymilk from the carton and taste the oats (and have a handful of the cereal on the side while it cooked), if I was making a salad I'd have to taste the dressing from the bottle and eat some of the seeds that formed the topping...and Sunday afternoons, don't get me started! I'd make a big soup, pasta salad and something else (couscous or stir-fry etc) to take to work throughout the week. I'd probably eat two meals worth in "testing" the food. "Is the pasta done yet?", "does it need more stock?", "what's that like?", "oh that's good, one more spoonful...". I'd feel uncomfortably full by the time I was putting little tupperware boxes in the fridge and I'd ring A and say "I've just eaten loads, can we go on a mega long walk please?".

So I'd get in, make my lunch (with a large amount of picking) and then think "I'll just have a snack to take me through to dinner", completely oblivious to the fact I've just eaten a snack-sized amount of fruit and veg. Cue more boundary-pushing with portion sizes: using too much spread, eating while I'm making it etc). Later I'd have dinner (or sometimes a flash of clarity would hit me and I'd just have some muesli) and then that's when my inner three year old would demand chocolate, ice cream or peanut butter.

I'd try and ignore it, then I'd acknowledge it, start talking to it, negotiating with it:

"I have an easter egg on top of the cupboard."
"Don't be stupid, it's 10 o' clock at night. Don't eat chocolate, just go to bed."
"It'd be nice to just have a bit. It's gone easter anyway. A mouthful is neither here nor there."
"Come on, this is ridiculous, you're not even hungry."
"Yeah but I just want a bit of chocolate. Come on, it's been a hard day, just have a little treat."
"I know what this is, I know I'm not hungry, I know there is something else I want other than food."
"Well, if you're not gonna have chocolate then at least have SOMETHING. What about a bit of ice cream or some peanut butter. Hey, what about ice cream with peanut butter."

Then it'd be milling about the kitchen, open this cupboard, look at that - peanut butter...and some how, before I know it I've got a bowl of ice cream covered in peanut butter, chocolate and maple syrup on the side and I'm sat on the floor with a handful of dried apricots from a packet that I had to tear open with my teeth. All occuring in a split second and leaving me thinking "Okay, now this is just mad" but then continuing to eat the bowl of ice cream. Not a daily occurance but it did happen. After easter was when it got really bad.

I started to get sudden, gripping moments of panic and desperation in which I'd immediately become obsessed about whether I was putting on weight. I'd be walking to the kitchen when I'd notice my legs were touching when I walked and it'd unnerve and consume me for the rest of the day. The feelings of dread and self-loathing were unbearable.

I was still running and the nauseatingly desperate and worried feelings of being fatter and my occasional Mr Hyde moments of madness led me to up my daily runs from 2.5K to 5K - in addition to the morning and evening routine of squats, crunches etc. My thighs were feeling like jelly the whole time.

Everything came to a head on Thursday of last week when I experienced a fantastically fast plumet into anxiety, wild hopelessness and self-hatred initially caused by thinking my legs were getting fatter. I was at work but I was engrossed in my racing thoughts of dispair. It was as if me, my computer and my desk were in a glass bubble and the people rushing around me just blobs of colour with far-off voices. I wrestled with what to do. I felt helpless and alone. I was scared and confused by my verging on schizophrenic binge moments. I can't do this by myself, I thought.

Then I remembered that my counsellor had sent me a little e-mail a few days before saying she'd spoken to the lady I occasionally texted and that if I needed any help, to speak to her. I sat at my desk, opened an e-mail and just poured my heart out. People passed by, I could hear the photocopier but I continued to type inside my bubble. It was hard to admit that I felt out of control and hopeless and that I had those desperate moments but at the same time I felt great relief when I pressed the send button. I felt like I'd taken a step to getting out.

I suggested to my counsellor that I perhaps abstain for a short period in order to (a) give some finality to "The Real World" eating period and (b) lose a little weight to stop my sudden, stabbing feelings of paranoia. Then I could do Route to Management PROPERLY. She replied later saying that she was pleased that I was coming back and that by e-mailing I'd made a change in my behaviour (even if I didn't notice it). She suggested I stop by on Saturday so that we could talk. She said the lady I sometimes spoke to (let's give her a name, eh? Let's call her B.) might be there too.

I had another Mr Hyde ice cream episode that night (DESPITE the loathing, the panic, the desperation of the day) triggered by making my lunch for the next day and then decided "Fuck it, if I'm seeing my counsellor on Saturday, I'm obviously gonna start developers again. So it would make sense to start with foodpacks tomorrow so that I've "climbed the wall" by work on Monday.". So that's what I did. The last thing I ate was a bowl of thoughtless, deep-set emotion ladened, binge.

I felt better about everything by Friday evening. Not stressing about food made a world of difference to me. The foodpacks tasted very strange the second time around.

I saw my counsellor and B on Saturday and I left feeling bouyant and reassured. They were so pleased that I was back. It was fantastic to have them both there for me offering advice and support. The world of lighterlife opened up and gave me a hug. I remembered a key concept: CHOICE. At no time during my argument with my three year old self about chocolate did I say: YOU CAN HAVE IT IF YOU WANT IT. It was all "Don't have chocolate. Don't be stupid. You can't have it.". It was all guilt and worry and rebellion and punishment. If someone had stood there behind me and said "Why not? You can have it if you want it" - BINGO - back to reality, realise how childish you are being, you need to CHOOSE what to do. You can have the chocolate at 10pm at night but you need to realise that it will make you feel bad and is of no real benefit at all and based on that information you need to make a decision. Split second of reality and the frenzy'd be over.

So here I am on Monday at nearly 1pm feeling hungry and on to my third bottle of water. It doesn't feel too bad. I know people say it's harder the second time around but I was never a lapser the first time, so it's bearable. A couple of things have been irksome - going in to town yesterday and realising I couldn't have my weekly soymilk hot chocolate (a thing I love dearly) and watching A eat a piece of cake in Starbucks the day before. I think my problem is that I'm comparing abstinence now with how I was in March, when I Was a seasoned pro of 8 months. What I should be comparing is abstinence now with July of last year, when I was used to eating and missing food.

There are going to be problems to come - I won't be able to have a soymilk hot chocolate for over four months. I have exams in June and will be in the middle of Route to Management.

I'm not going to obsess over it though. Worrying isn't productive.

Route to Management is non-negotiable. I'll just have to battle through it.

I did exams while I wasn't eating ffs, how is food gonna be a problem?

Anyway, there you go. That's where I am and how I got there. So for those of you who were disappointed I didn't do Route to Management, you're in luck. I'm going to abstain for a while (probably a month) but go to Route to Management classes. I think I'll find them more helpful that Developers because people in Developers are mainly focusing on abstaining. Route to Management classes should help with the idea of bring food back, what to have, how to develop strategies to avoid all the crappy and retarded things I do.

I started twittering, by bizarre coincidence, as this all kicked off. So if you want a blow by blow account of the ice cream, the panic, the e-mail, the foodpacks, go to http://www.twitter.com/katie256. I had problems with my phone though and so this morning had to start with a new account: http://www.twitter.com/LLGirlBlog. The Katie256 one won't be updated but the LLGirlBlog one will.

So today for me is Day 248 Week 38.

Let's have a look at my old weights, eh?

Week 1 - 18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2 - 5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3 - 3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4 - 3lb (18st)
Week 5 - 3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6 - 5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7 - 4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8 - 5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9 - 3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10 - 4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11 - 3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12 - 5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13 - 4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14 - 2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15 - 5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16 - 2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17 - 2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18 - 4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19 - 3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20 - 4lb (13st 12lb)
Week 21 - 4lb (13st 8lb)
Week 22 - 2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23 - 4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!
Week 31 - 6lb (11st 7lb)
Week 32 - 2lb (11st 5lb)
Week 33 - 2 1/2lb (11st 2 1/2lb)
Week 34 - 5 1/2lb (10st 11lb)
Week 35 - BIG FAT ZERO!! (10st 11lb)
Week 36 - Unknown
Week 37 RTM1 - 10st 5 1/2lb
Week 38 - 10st 5lb (On Friday, my first day abstaining)

I had a really bad time of things last night. I had eaten (fairly healthily I thought) two rice cakes with pate and salsa after a half hour bike ride because I was genuinely hungry (that bike is a complete beast) while watching the Apprentice with my dad. I wanted something sweet and so had half a cup of nuts and dried mixed fruit afterwards. I didn't think that was terrible - at least it was a measured quantity and not a spate of mindless fistfuls being shovelled in to my mouth. I need to get my essential fatty acids somehow and dried fruit is still fruit!

Anyway, after watching the Apprentice I washed up the tupperware in my lunchbag and started making my lunch. Cue completely thoughtless picking: "one gherkin for my lunch, one gherkin in my mouth" etc.

Me and A are going out for a meal tonight (now really badly timed but more about that later) so after making my lunch last night I went upstairs to try on my dress and shoes again, pick my jewellery and repaint my nails. All is fine and dandy. Dress looks okay, shoes are super cute (from Office), bag matches nicely and think I picked the right earrings. I would go in to more details but I want what I wear to be a surprise and after accidentally letting A see a glimpse of the dress already, I don't want (and I know the chances of this happening are ridiculously miniscule) him to stumble across the blog and find a 500 word dissection of my outfit. I also start sorting out my bag for staying round A's. I tried on a top I bought at the Brighton Vegan Fayre (22 March) because I couldn't decide what to wear on Saturday and I noticed it clinging around my belly. I thought "I'm sure this fitted when I bought it" and then I thought "I can't have gotten that big in two weeks, you must be imagining it".

Anyhoooo...I take off my nail varnish and think "Oh shit, it's 9 o' clock and I haven't had a proper meal yet tonight. I'll just have some muesli." So I had half a cup with some soymilk, it was good and I liked it. Ten minutes or so later I step on the scales out of idle curiosity and they say: 10st 11lb 28% fat. WTF??? I was, like, 10st 3lb 26.1% fat on Tuesday morning!!!

Cue massive, massive freak out and instant nauseous feeling of the muesli swilling around my belly. A feeling of utter dread, shame and disgust flooded over me and I began to relentlessly berate myself for picking at food, eating portions that were too big and generally being greedy. I sat on the end of my bed for what felt like forever without moving while my mind repeated "I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy. I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy. I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy.". I must have sent A a text saying those exact words because he sent me a airy-fairy reply about how I was great or something. So I continued to sit there and think "Why do you not realise that what you eat is DIRECTLY LINKED to what you weigh? If you eat twenty bars of chocolate every day you will get fat. If I pour half a cup of cereal in to a bowl but then take to handfuls out of the packet and eat them before I eat the bowl of cereal, that's not eating a half a cupful of cereal. That's eating half a cupful of cereal AND TWO HANDFULS! Just because it's not measured doesn't make it not exist. STOP PICKING AT FOOD. STOP EATING YOGHURT OUT OF THE TUB." I then made the following decisions:

1. Stop buying the big pots of plain soy yoghurt. Instead buy the pre-packed small pots. This will mean I eat one pot a day and don't have to spoon out the plain yoghurt in to a tupperware tub. Subsequently I will not eat spoonfuls of yoghurt. NO MORE PICKING.

2. Stop eating mixed dried fruit. This one might be hard. I'm going to stop putting mixed dried fruit on my porridge and therefore stop buying it. I can cut up and apple or something if I'm really that desperate to eat something on my porridge. This will stop picking.

3. Be strict with portion sizes. Half a cup means half a cup! Half a cup and a handful gets written down as half a cup and a handful.

4. Don't eat when you're not hungry. Easier said than done but basically, don't make big portions and then eat them all because "that's how much half a cupful is/you allowed yourself". Similarly, at the restaurant tonight I must be mindful of how much I eat. Restaurants always make big portions.

5. Take the boiled sweets out of my car. They are pointless. They are full of sugar. They are temptation at a time when I am susceptable to boredom.

So yeah, gotta go now because it's work time but basically A called me and I got really upset and started crying about the whole situation and he said I wasn't getting fatter, I was getting thinner, I don't eat too much, I exercise loads, I shouldn't eat less, etc. He thinks he sees the change in my body more than I do because he sees me every few days and where I walk around in my body all the tiem I don't notice it.

But the top felt tight, the scales said I was heavier, I feel greed as fuck.

This morning I was running and I was so knackered but I kept saying "This is good. This will make you more toned. This is the opposite of picking and greed and unhappiness. This is the antidote to feeling sick to your stomach with hatred and shame. This is something you can feel positive about. This is progress and change. This is what you must do. No excuses, just keep going. No excuses, just keep going. No excuses, just keep going."

I need to get it in to my head that eating shit, picking, nibbling, 'having something nice'...all that bollocks no matter where it is or what I'm doing or who I'm with...whatever goes in to my mouth with contribute to how I look and what I weigh. Exercise - squats, running, boxecise, riding my bike, walking, running up the stairs, all those things - will contribute POSITIVELY. It's actively making myself better.

Anyway, reeeally need to go now!

Sorry for the mentalness.

Wednesday 1 April

No run - boxecise later!

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with dried fruit

10.40
CD case sized tub of grapes and baby plum tomatos

12.15
Pasta salad with side salad of mixed lettuce

14.15
Cup and a half of cucumber sticks with salsa
Apple

16.00
Cup of nachos
2 handfuls of Fruit n Fibre

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt

18.00 - 19.00
Boxecise
Including holding the plank for ONE MINUTE!!! Insanity!

19.30
Banana

20.30
4 pickled gherkins
2 teaspoonfuls of soy yoghurt
(This is picking, this is eating when I'm not hungry, this is really unhelpful behaviour)

21.00
Cup and a half of "casserole vegetables" - carrot, potato, leek, onion
Half block of tofu
Half cup of onion gravy

No evening workout (already done it at boxecise!)

Thursday 2 April

No run - rest day.

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with half a banana

10.50
Half cup of grapes
3 strawberries

12.10
Homemade vegetable soup
Wholewheat pitta
Side salad of mixed lettuce

14.50
5 mini gherkins with broccoli florets and houmous
2 rice cakes
(Quite a lot? Was it necessary to eat the rice cakes too?)

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with banana and apple slices
One square of Divine 70% dark chocolate

17.30
Four boiled sweets
(Take the fucking sweets out of the car for God's sake)

18.00
Half hour bike ride

18.45
2 rice cakes with vegetable pate and salsa
Half cup of nuts and dried fruit

20.30
3 gherkins
1 strawberry
5 teaspoonfuls of yoghurt
(Picking while making my lunch for the next day. Once again, UNHELPFUL!)

21.10
Half cup of muesli with soymilk

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

So here's the past week or so:

Thursday 26 March

No run

40 crunches
30 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.20
porridge with dried mixed fruit

10.30
half can of peach slices

11.30
felt v hungry

12.15
Sainsburys mini carrot and houmous pack (105 calories)
Wholewheat pasta with pepper, carrot, textured vegetable protein and onion

14.40
apple

15.40
Tub of broccoli florets

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with grapes
1 square of Divine 70% dark chocolate

19.00

Handful of mixed dried fruit

19.40
Tofu, pepper, carrot and onion in 2 wraps
With refried beans, tortillas, salsa and guacamole

23.10
2 teaspoons of peanut butter
Handful of mixed dried fruit
Hot chocolate
(WHY DO I DO THIS??)

40 crunches
30 reverse curls
20 crunches

Friday 27 March

2.5K Run - 30 seconds at slow pace, 30 seconds are fast pace

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with dried fruit
Half cup of soymilk

9.30
Hot cup of soymilk

11.00
1 cup of grapes

12.00
2.7K Walk

13.00
Hot chocolate
Homemade vegetable soup
Wholewheat pitta
Side salad of carrot, beetroot and lettuce
14g pack of raisins

15.30
Apple

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries
Nectarine
Orange

Fell asleep at 19.00, so didn't eat or exercise

Saturday 28 March

5K Run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

9.00
Half cup of porridge with 1 banana and 1 apple

11.30
Banana

12.30
Hot chocolate

13.00
One wholewheat pitta and one wrap filled with mixed beans, broccoli, cherry tomatos and couscous

15.40
3 boiled sweets

16.45
Half cup of yoghurt and two handfuls of mixed fried fruit
Half cup of grapes

Picking while cooking:
Textured vegetable protein, carrot, couscous, pasta

18.00
Handful of tropical fruit and nut mix
Handful of tortilla chips
Teaspoon of guacamole

20.45
Half cup of Fruit n Fibre
Pear

21.00
3 handfuls of tropical fruit and nut mix
2 handfuls of dried fruit
(WHY?!? I drive myself mad when I do this)

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

Sunday 29 March

No run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

7.00
Banana

10.00
3 rice cakes
half cup of tropical fruit and nut mix

12.30
Bowl of pasta salad
80g baby corn with guacamole
2 boiled sweets

14.00
100g sugarsnap peas with guacamole

15.30
Half cup of plain soy yoghurt
One strawberry bar
Handful of dried apricots
Handful of tortilla chips
(Bit much I think?)

16.30
Hot chocolate
12.5g of dark chocolate covered coffee beans

Moderate length walk

18.30
Handful of muesli

20.00
Two peppers stuffed with couscous
Lettuce, carrot and beetroot side salad

20.40
12g packet of dried pineapple
Scant handful of muesli
(Once again, WHY???)

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

Monday 30 March

2.5K Run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.15
Quaker porridge with dried fruit

10.45
One cup of grapes

12.00
Pasta salad with side salad of carrot, beetroot and lettuce

14.10
12.5g dark chocolate covered coffee beans

15.15
Small tub of broccoli florets

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries
One banana

18.25
3 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt
6 baby plum tomotos
2 rice cakes topped with houmous, carrot and onion

20.30
Half cup of muesli
Half cup of yoghurt

21.00
2 handfuls of dried fruit

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Tuesday 31 March
WEEK 3 WEIGH IN: 10st 3lb 26.1% fat

2.5K Run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.10
1/3 cup porridge with dried mixed fruit

10.30
One cup of grapes

12.15
Homemade vegetable soup
Wholewheat pitta
Side salad of mixed lettuce, carrot and onion

14.30
Tub of broccoli florets with small pot of guacamole
2 handfuls of Fruit n Fibre

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries

6.40
One apple
One banana

20.45
Half cup of muesli with soymilk
2 rice cakes topped with houmous

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

MUST STOP MINDLESSLY SNACKING ON "HANDFULS" OF THE FOLLOWING:
Dried fruit
Cereal
Tortillas

I don't mind sitting down and eating a measured portion of something if I am hungry (i.e. cup of grapes or even cup of tortilla chips) but just standing in the kitchen pouring mixed dried fruit in to my hand then stuffing it in my mouth is just NOT HELPFUL. Sometimes I catch myself just milling about in the kitchen as if I'm waiting for myself to open the cupboard and see what is readily available to eat.

It's thinks that are already opened. I never take out a little packet of raisins or a packet of pineapple slices (I did once this week because I was totally craving something sweet but I decided to do that rather than doing it without thinking), it's always spoonful of open yoghurt, handful of open fruit, handful of open cereal.

I constantly think I eat too much. I'm bad too, I think I measure out portions too big without thinking. I think I pour cereal a little bit past the 'half cup' mark or ladel out excessively heaped spoonfuls of soup for my lunch. (Is it worrying that I can describe a spoonful of my soup as 'heaped'? They are rather chunky...stew-like if you will.)

I seriously need some guidance. I totally need help about portion sizes, what to eat, how often, how much exercise to do...

I know that over time I will see that I either:

a) Eat too much and subsequently get fat
b) Eat the right amount and stay the same but am healthy because of exercise
c) Eat a little bit less than my body requires, which creates a calorie deficit resulting in body fat being burnt leaving me totally toned and hot looking because of exercise
d) Eat far too little and end up really boney or ill or something because of exercise

I'm aiming for (c), natch. I just have NO CLUE if I'm doing it right. This vegan fitness lark is hard.

So anyways, I bought a bike last night. It's a dutch bike with a step-through frame so I can ride it wearing pretty skirts and a bonnet with a kitten in the basket (or something like that). It looks like this http://www.biria.com/images/cd_ladies_black.jpg except my handlebars and saddle are brown. It's massive and abit scary but I can't wait to ride it through the forest on a sunny day. My dad's friend is picking it up today but I have boxecise tonight and then have to go food shopping (sigh, expense, time, effort...bring back foodpacks!) so I don't think I'll get to ride it tonight. I need to buy some locks and lights and stuff I think.

Speaking of safety equipment - these bloody clocks changing, what a pain in the arse!! It just got nice and light when I run in the morning and wasn't TOO cold and then hey presto, the clocks go forward and I'm back to running the cold and dark again. My daddy brought home a high-visibility vest from his work for me because I run on roads (the surface is more even) and wear a black jacket. The vest is huge and emblazoned with his company name, so I feel like a right 'tard in it but at least I'm safe(ish)! Actually, if I'm honest, I feel like one of the "we're hardcore runners/cyclists who exercise stupidly early in the morning" crew now because they all wear this shit all the time.

Anyway, best be off. Workie workie time.

Oh, before I go - how much do I love porridge? Breakfast is seriously my favourite meal of the day. When I get home I always want porridge or cereal for my dinner instead of proper food. Why is that? I'm addicted to oats! I feel bad though because I think I should eat something with more protein in. Why do I crave porridge so much?

Anyway, off I go! See you soon!

Boxecise tonight! Whoop!

Right, so just briefly because I don't have much time!

Here's yesterday for you:

Wednesday 26 March

No run - boxecise later

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.15
1/4 cup (UK Cup) of porrided with dried figs and mixed dried fruit
10.30
1 cup (UK Cup) of grapes
12.40
Homemade vegetable soup
1 wholewheat pitta
Small salad of mixed lettuce
14.30
Apple
15.45 (really hungry by this point despite my apple?)
1 cup (UK cup) of Fruit n Fibre
Soymilk
17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with grapes

18.00 - 19.00
Boxecise, including:
60 crunches
15 press-ups
25 seconds holding the plank

19.30
Banana
20.45
1/2 block of tofu with broccoli and cherry tomatos, couscous and 1 wholewheat pitta
1 12g bag of pineapple slices (33 calories)

Now, Phase Two and My New Goals...so I'm seeing losing the 8 1/2st as the first phase of my mission to become freaking awesome. I've got the initial bulk down. Now, Phase Two will be getting totally fit and toned. I want a flat stomach. I am desperate for a flat stomach. I have the remanents of my apron however, which I think will ultimately mean I will never reach this goal but hey, I can try, right?

I'm considering asking my doctor for a tummy tuck. He might say on your bike but it's worth at least asking. After all, I'm a 22 year old girl with the rest of my life ahead of me, I should not be walking around hampered by this unsightly droop. I'm gonna ask about the bingo wings and boobs while I'm at it! Hehe.

So yeah, anyways, Phase Two: become rock solid. Now, this is why I'm so concerned about what I'm eating and stuff. A is totally in to sports and sports nutrition and has about a million books on the subject but obviously he's not an expert on what vegan fitness freaks eat. He tries to give me advice, like eating more often and in small amounts...hence my habit of eating some little every few hours - I try and go with a main meal every four hours then a stack two hours in between...so 8.00 breakfast, 10.00 snack, 12.00 lunch, 14.00 snack, 17.00 snack (still at work, so meal is impractical but as you'll have seen I keep getting really hungry at 15.30), 20.00 dinner.

So I've posted the whole of what I've eaten since reintroducing food to a couple of fitness websites asking for advice. I'll just wait and see what they say I think.

My New Goals - now, here's the biggie. A and his stupid atheleticness has decided that he wants to do the three peaks challenge and asked if I wanted to do it to. Hell yeah, I said. I've finished the whole "not eating for 8 months" thing, I need a new challenge!! I'd be well up for the training etc. Building stamina, running up hills, walking for hours on end. If it gets me looking freaking hot I'm there. The only problem is, I am being realistic? I am REEEEEALLY gonna be able to climb three mountains in 24 hours? I'm willing to give it a bloody good shot and train etc but being frank, is it too much for me to take on? I don't have a clue. I don't wanna hamper A and be a cry baby. Obviously he's a lot fitter than me and will probably run up the mountains. You can only go as slow as your crappiest person though and I don't wanna be the crappiest one!

So yeah, three peaks challenge...possible new goal.

Bike riding! That's another. I want to start riding a bike. I think my mum used to use my dad's bike, so I want to see if I can get that out of the garage and maybe start pootling around instead of using my car. Go out in to the forest or something. Rock it. Apparently it's good exercise?

I'll have to think of some more but those two are my main plans at the moment.

Other things I wanted to say about The Real World (think of it as The Real World Rules):

I'll be weighing myself on a Tuesday morning from now on. Yesterday I was 10st 4.5lb 26% body fat.

Erm, trying to stay away from sugar, aspartame (google it, I'm sure you'll find sites claims it's satan himself), refined carbs (white bread, white pasta etc), caffeine...basically anything that's overly processed. Wanna keep it whole foods, baby!

Can't think of anything else now. Well, I best get on with my work now. It's already gone 9.00! Oops!

Anyway, if you have any advice, guidance etc lemme know. I need all the help I can get.

Well, I promised I'd write up what I've eaten since the Saturday I gave up Route to Management. Here you go. Please let me know what you think. I have no idea whether it's too much, too little, not enough protein (I imagine so, sigh) etc. I started off not writing the times when I ate but as the days go on I started jotting down times too.

Saturday 14 March

5K Run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Vanilla Shake

Pumpkin soup, salad and small portion of chocolate cake (1/3 of a slice)

Salad with okara and mixed beans

Handful of grapes
Spoonful of peanut butter
Stick of celery with mustard

1/4 cup soup mix with 2 teaspoons of swiss bouillon

2.5k walk

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Sunday 15 March

2.5k Run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
40 crunches
15 press ups

Handful of grapes

Small bunch of grapes
Apple
Handful of berries

Picking at pasta, couscous and textured vegetable protein while cooking

1 wholewheat pitta filled with couscous
1/2 pitta filled with chickpeas

2 hour walk

Mixed bean salad with okara

Fruit salad with two teaspoons of plain soy yoghurt

10 minutes on the rower

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Monday 16 March

2.5k Run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Porridge with fruit salad

2 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt

Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with raspberries

Wholewheat pitta with couscous and lettuce

3x pepper sticks
3x carrot sticks

CD case sized tub of pepper and carrot sticks

2 spoonfuls of couscous

1/2 block of tofu with cinnamon, 1 banana, 1 apple and small handful of grapes mixed with tablespoonful of plain soy yoghurt and drizzle of maple syrup

Tuesday 17 March

No run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

5 grapes

2 small squares of Green & Black Maya Gold

Wholewheat pasta with textured vegetable protein, tomato, mushroom, mixed beans and sweetcorn

Small tub of plain soy yoghurt with 18 blackberries

2 small squares of Green & Black Maya Gold

2 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt
Handful of grapes
3 dried apricots (you will see alot of this particular food item!)
4 carrot/pepper sticks

Tofu, carrots, green peppers, chickpeas in mustard, parsley and corriander
Small mixed lettuce salad

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
20 sit-up toe touches
50 alternate toe touches

Wednesday 18 March

2.5K Run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

10.00
1/4 cup (UK cup) of porridge
1/2 fruit salad

13.45
1/2 tub of pasta salad with tomato, mushroom, mixed beans, pepper, textured vegetable protein

17.00
Small pot of soy yoghurt with grapes
2 small squares of Green & Black Maya Gold

18.00
3 dried apricots
4 slices of apple
4 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt

20.30
1 wholewheat pitta with couscous containing celery, onion, carrots, chickpeas and lettuce
2 teaspoonfuls of yoghurt
2 teaspoonfuls of peanut butter
4 teaspoonfuls of apple sauce
(PUT THE GODDAMNED SPOON DOWN WOMAN!)

30 seconds holding the plank
30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
30 crunches
50 alternate toe touches
10 ball lifts (lying flat and passing a gym ball from your hands to your feet, down to the floor and back up again)

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
20 sit-up toe touches
50 alternate toe touches

Thursday 19 March

2.5k Run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.00
1/2 cup (UK cup) of Fruit n Fibre
Soy milk

11.20
1/4 fruit salad

12.10
10 Calorie soup
2 carrots worth of carrot sticks
4 broccoli florets

14.00
Tub of raisin shredded wheat

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with dried apricots
2 small squares of Green & Black Maya Gold

18.15
2 tablespoons of plain soy yoghurt
3 teaspoons of apple sauce

20.45
Pasta in tomato sauce with pepper, mushroom, onion, tomato and broccoli with tofu
Small mixed lettuce salad
4 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt
3 dried apricots

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

Friday 20 March

No run

30 crunches
20 reverse crunches
20 crunches

7.45
Small handful of Fruit n Fibre and raisin shredded wheat

10.30
1/2 cup (UK cup) of Fruit n Fibre
Soy milk

14.00
4 peanuts
Wholewheat pasta with tomato, mixed beans and sweetcorn

15.45
1/2 fruit salad

16.30
3/4 cup of soymilk
2 peanuts

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt
dried apricots
2 small squares of Green & Black Maya Gold

18.45
Wholewheat pasta with tofu, peppers, mushrooms, onions

23.15
10 Calorie soup
CD case sized tub of pepper sticks and broccoli florets

Saturday 21 March

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Brighton Vegan Fayre - tried pratically every vegan food under the sun

Can't remember what I ate. Loads basically.

"Proper meals" included:

Breakfast - two slices of white toast, one portion of beans, one portion of plum tomatos, half a portion of mushrooms
Lunch - Spicy mexican bean burger in white bun with side salad and fruit smoothie
Dinner - 1 apple, 1 banana, grapes, soy yoghurt
Had some Love Potion No. 9 Conscious Chocolate too (Raw vegan chocolate: http://www.consciouschocolate.co.uk/chocolate.htm) Maybe a 1/4 of a bar?

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Sunday 22 March

2.5K Run

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

7.30
2 apples

10.45
1 slice of brown toast
1 portion of baked beans
1 portion of plum tomatoes
1 portion of mushrooms

12.45
2 handfuls of grapes and strawberries
3 handfuls of mixed dried fruit (raisins, currents and sultanas)

16.00
Wholewheat pitta with carrots, broccoli, mushroom and Cheezly mature cheddar (http://www.redwoodfoods.co.uk/products/cheezly/index.html)

16.45
Hot chocolate with soymilk

18.00
Handful of grapes and strawberries

Picking while cooking:
Textured vegetable protein, veg, wholewheat pasta

20.45
2 wholewheat pittas, salsa, plain soy yoghurt, mixed mexican beans with veg.

21.00
Square of Conscious Chocolate

Monday 23 March

20 seconds holding the plank
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.15
Porridge with dried figs and apricots

10.20
1/3 iced finger
6 dried apricots
6 grapes

12.00
Homemade vegetable soup with wholewheat pitta

14.40
Apple

15.20
2 dried apricots
4 grapes

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries

17.20
1 dried apricot
3 grapes

20.30
Tofu, pepper, carrot, mexican beans and Cheezly mature cheddar
2 wraps
Salsa and plain soy yoghurt
1 square of Conscious Chocolate
2 handfuls of mixed dried fruit

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Tuesday 24 March

2.5K Run

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.20
1 dried apricot
1 grape
1/4 cup (UK cup) porridge with dried figs and mixed dried fruit

10.40
1 cup (UK cup) of grapes

12.00
Wholewheat pasta in tomato suace with tomato, pepper, onion and textured vegetable protein
Small mixed lettuce salad

14.40
Apple and handful of grapes

15.45 (I was really hungry here)
23g packet of Rice Krispies Multi-grain Shapes (85 calories)

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with grapes and strawberries

20.00
2 peppers stuffed with couscous, carrot and cucumber sticks (cooked by A! How sweet!)

23.00
Half cup of dried fruit
2 tablespoons of plain soy yoghurt
teaspoon of swiss bouillon

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

Well, that took far longer than I expected and now I've run out of time. I wanted to tell you about Phase 2 and My New Goals. Oh well. It will have to wait. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about it. =)

So...haven't been keeping you guys as in the loops as I should have been. A lot has happened since my last update.

I posted those pictures on the Monday and me and A went and looked at a flat on Thursday. We really loved it and were keen to rent it, move in, buy kettles. The usual. My parents were more than happy to lend us the deposit because I'm pretty sure they want rid of me. Anyway, so all of a sudden my finances are being scrutinised and everyone around me is telling me I don't need to do Route to Management and I can't justify spending so much money when I really need to be focusing on saving to move out. I'm bored of eating tofu and lettuce by this point as well, of course.

Part of the just wants to give up the programme and start living normally again but part of me is really worried about eating. Preparing a whole day of food seems like an impossible task with far too much organisation required.

The Friday and Saturday are frought with flat related stresses and arguments. Me and A get our wires crossed and bicker pretty much constantly.

I decide, however, that everyone around me is right. I do need to save and Route to Management is far too expensive. Not to mention long, inconveniently timed and largely irrelevant to me. Unfortunately, being practical won the day here. I want to move out. I have to save. Cognitive behavioural therapy didn't really have a chance. I conclude that while it may be a challenge, I will give it my best shot.

So when I meet A after work on Saturday, we go to a vegan cafe nearby and I have a sweet potato, pumpkin and coconut soup with a little salad. It was nice, I felt normal. Confused, very worried but normal.

We made a plan of what I was going to eat until Tuesday and then went shopping. My jaw dropped at the price of fruit as I discovered, sadly, that I wouldn't be eating strawberries and blackberries for breakfast in the morning. I wouldn't be eating a mountain of dried fruits either. Smartprice apples it is, then.

It's been pretty much the same ever since. I have learnt a lot in the past week: I can generally half a portion I make myself, being bloated makes my stomach stick out, I cannot keep apple sauce in my kitchen without eating half the jar. I gave mushrooms a shot and they weren't too bad. I retried marmite too and whilst I still maintain it looks more like something a plumber would grease his tools with than a food product, it's not as awful as I remember. I don't love it or hate it now, I just find it curious.

My diet is mainly fruit and veg now along with some pulses, grains and tofu. I write down everything I eat along with the time. I have forgetten my book today but next time I write I'll type up a sample, so you can see. I still have to wrestle with picking. Yesterday, for example, I made a big batch of lunches to take to work and I was constantly putting bits of carrot and pepper in my mouth. I keep having to say to myself "You are not a human dustbin. If you have made too much, throw it away. You don't have to eat it.".

The worst thing I can do in the kitchen is pick up a teaspoon. If I pick up a teaspoon, I am automatically in the cupboard looking for something I can nibble: soy yoghurt, swiss bouillon, peanut butter, apple sauce, marmite. I don't even know why I do it. Just put the bloody spoon in the dishwasher, put the apple sauce down and close the cupboard door! Is it that hard? Why continue to put the spoon in the jar and then in your mouth???? WWWWWHHHYYY???

I also think about food pretty much constantly despite not really getting hungry that much. I'm always looking at the clock assessing when I last ate and when I can eat again. Yesterday I actually set myself a challenge of not eating for two hours. That's how bad it is. I mean, of course, I was only picking on strawberries and grapes but how am I ever going to get hungry enough to eat a proper meal if I just pick on stuff all the time?

So yeah, obviously not "cured" by Lighterlife. I don't know. I still feel like I'm out of control, I'm battling my demons and I'm hideously worried that I will get fat - which is why getting bloated horrified me because it gave me a big, bulging belly and my glorious size ten jeans felt tight.

I am exercising more - not excessively but...frequently. Just running most mornings now instead of half. I do 90 cruches (that's 60 normal crunches and 30 reverse crunches) in the morning and evening. I'm dying to get a flat stomach but A almost delights in telling me that I'll never get one without losing the layer of fat above my muscles. Er, gee, thanks...so basically what you're saying is I should have stayed on Lighterlife?? A says I should just eat right and work out, which triggers a plethora of questions - do I eat right? Should I eat less? Do I snack too much? Do I exercise enough? Do I do the right exercises? It's okay for him, he already has stupid muscles and a stupid flat stomach.

Anyway, just to give you a taste...here's my morning so far:

6.20

Run 2.5k

40 crunches
30 reverse cruches
20 crunches
20 seconds - plank

8.20

Cup of soymilk
Porridge with dried figs and apricots

Simply put:  I am not fat any more.

Please find the fruits of my labour below.  Boxecise, running, lighterlife - I couldn't have done it without you.

(Note the upper arms...nanny bye byes still need work)

SEPTEMBER 2008

NOVEMBER 2008

TODAY - 9 MARCH 2009

An eventful week ladies, an eventful week indeed!

Lemme start from the beginning, eh? Okay, well I was given a whole mountain of work by my boss at the beginning of the work and so running around like a mental at work. I got a bee in my bonnet about busting the hell outta this mountain and threw myself into getting the work done. At the same time an assignment had been set by the people who run my lawyer-study-course-thing (don't worry, this does get lighterlifey in a minute, I promise. Stick with it.). Now, I knew about this and was expecting it but what I wasn't expecting was for the assignment to have four freaking parts. Not only that but these four freaking parts all had separate parts. So I didn't have one assignment, I had, like, twelve. Oh ffs.

Now, while all this was going out I was drinking bucketfuls of decaff coffee and this was making me get up to pee in the night, like, four or five times. Yeah, it was pretty annoying.

So by Tuesday evening I was a bloody mess. I had a pounding stress headache, I'd done double the work I normally do, I was freaking out about my assignments, I was so fucking tired it was untrue and I'd left my phone at home. ARGH!! I can't survive without my phone. So anyway, I went to group and I said to my counsellor basically "I'm really stressed, I have a massive assignment - please can I just get my foodpacks and go home and study?" and she very courteously said yes and tried to make me feel happier.

So I went home and pretty much tore my dad to shreds for saying hello to me and my mum said to me "God, what's wrong with you? You look awful." And I said something along the lines of "work, assignment, not sleeping, tired, no energy, stress, forgot phone". She said I looked really pale and like something was wrong but she couldn't put her finger on it. I told her I was just incredibly tired and that it was probably from rushing around.

Anyway, another night of crap sleep and then oh my days - Wednesday afternoon I was like a corpse. So, so, so tired. Not just sleepy tired but that sunken-eyed, drag-yourself-about-but-your-limbs-don't-want-to-work tired. I kept putting my icey fingers (remember I am always ALWAYS cold at work) over my eyes and just sitting there. I felt so tired I wanted to cry. It came on at about 3.30 and just didn't go. I perked up around home time and I managed to take my sorry ass to boxecise but I did slack off quite a lot. Then in the evening it kicked in again and I lost all my patience, bickered with A the entire night, then cried, cried some more and eventually slept. God knows how he put up with that actually. I tried to explain it to him but "All I ever am is tired and cold. I am so fed up with being tired and cold." didn't really cut it. (Did I mention my parents had gone away and turned the heating off? So even though I put it on constant and whacked up the thermostat it still wasn't coming on and so we were just living in an ice box?)

Thursday and more of the same. I decided to take Friday afternoon off as holiday. I couldn't take the whole day off because A was still staying over and would be relying on me for a lift. I figured I could just slob out and try to rest - go to bed, watch some telly, nap. By this stage I thought it was getting ridiculous. Who takes time off work because they are so tired? I did twig something though on Thursday. I seemed to be getting tired about two hours after I'd eaten something. So the 3.30 tiredness was from my lunch and then the evening tiredness was after dinner. That's why I managed to pull myself through boxecise - because it's an hour after eating and so I still had some energy.

Now, I'm no nutritionist but I decided it was something to do with my blood sugar levels or something like that and so in bleary-eyed, zombified, miserable state I got out my foundation book and started reading about Milk Week. A lady in my group told me she'd done one the other week because she felt awful and it really helped her. I wasn' t sure if it was worth it seeing as I'm gonna finish in two weeks time but I thought I'd just get the low-down on it anyway. You have to drink two litres of soymilk a day on Milk Week. It's way less for cow milk but you guys should know by now I'm not putting that stinky cow protein in my belly.

Two litres seemed like an awful lot. The book assured me though that the flavour would not be 'watered down' though. (Oh how I'm trying to stifle a snicker here...read on, you'll see what I mean.)

So, Thursday night. A was still over but basically I just fell asleep super early. No coupley naughtiness going on. I think he understood though because I totally wasn't being myself at all.

Friday rolled around and I was tired by about 11.00. Fucking absurd. Tired is too weak a word. It was like mind-crippling, soul-wrenching, tear-inducing exhaustion. That's what it was. I was exhausted. Devoid of energy. I'd totally had enough. I was sat at my desk thinking about going to Asda on the way home to buy herbal sleeping tablets so I could get home, knock myself out and just sleep all weekend.

Fuck it. I thought. I don't care if I only have a week and a bit to go. I can't spend another week like this. This is misery. I'll just do Milk Week. I don't care if I put weight on or get kicked out of ketosis. This is stupid. This is unbearable. I'm a fucking zombie.

12.00 rolled around and I jumped in my car and bought two litres of Smartprice soy milk. I nixed the sleeping pills idea. Too expensive.

So anyway, that's where I made my first mistake. The first time you try something you don't wanna be trying the pikey version. Smartprice soymilk tastes like shit. Had a taste, grimaced, sighed, had another taste, gagged, kicked myself for spouting all this vegan shite. Saying that I did end up drinking about a litre in an hour. Really stupid idea by the way. Made my belly feel like it was going to explode. After that I went to bed and tried to nap for a few hours but couldn't. I had the awful beany aftertaste of Smartprice soymilk in my mouth and I was dispairing at my actions. I considered nipping Milk Week in the bud right there and then because the Smartprice stuff tasted so bad but for the sake of my health I decided to carry on.

I made a batch of my own soymilk, figuring I could just use that instead of the Smartprice shit but fucking hell, it's a lot of effort. My soymilk had a a more earthy bitty taste but luckily no beany after taste.

Anyway, I made a strawberry milkshake with the Lighterlife prescribed 500ml of soymilk feeling safe in the knowledge that that amount of milk wouldn't impaire the flavour. Lighterlife lied. I couldn't even taste the goddamn foodpack. It was just a soymilk chugfest. No food flavour at all. Urgh, I thought, so basically I'm gonna just not eat for a week. I'm just gonna be swilling milk constantly.

Now, Saturday morning comes around and I'm soldiering on. Like I said, I made a batch of my own soymilk but it took bloody forever. I went out with my dad and didn't get home until the afternoon and so had missed two foodpacks. I decided to eat them together with 500ml of milk and just down the other 500ml that I should have drunk. I had two chocolate foodpacks with the 500ml and whoa, that was delicious. My soymilk was infinitely better than Smartprice's (no shit) and two foodpacks was just heaven. Seriously, I could eat two chocolate foodpacks and 500ml of my soymilk forever. That made me feel better about my choice and to be honest I was starting to perk up energy-wise as well.

The whole drinking-lots-of-milk thing did make going out all day a bit of a military operation though involving lots of flasks and cups with millilitres marked on the side. It was worth it though, I got through.

My dad bought me some Alpro Soya soymilk while we were out in the morning after I exclaimed that making two litres of soymilk a day was ridiculous and the promotional claim of five minutes cleaning time of my soymilk maker was "clearly false advertising" and "a fucking joke". Alpro Soya soymilk tastes good. SO MUCH BETTER THAN SMARTPRICE. Don't drink Smartprice soymilk, seriously.

Alpro Soya soymilk in coffee is delicious.

Sat here now on Sunday, having had shit soymilk, good soymilk, homemade soymilk, disappointing foodpacks and delicious foodpacks I can tell you that I feel so much better. I went for a run this morning for the first time in ages and I felt energised and happy...not run down, deathly and miserable. I had another of my 500ml homemade soymilk with two choc foodpacks this afternoon and it was fantastic. Alpro Soya milky coffee really is devine. I'm gonna carry on with my Milk Week until Wednesday, when I will resume normal service. I'm glad I decided to do it and stuck with it even when it seemed like a belly-bloating challenge.

So, if you are thinking of embarking on a soymilk Milk Week, here's my advice to you:

1. DON'T BUY SMARTPRICE SOY MILK. It has an awful beany aftertaste that is revolting.

2. Yes, you have to drink 2 litres a day but ignore Lighterlife's suggestion of 500ml with each foodpack. You can't taste the foodpack at all and you feel like you're not eating anything.

Instead, use about 200ml with the foodpack and use a good electric hand blender. It will taste all yummy and creamy.

I would suggest putting the left over 300ml in hot drinks between that foodpack and your next one. (*coughs* Alpro Soya *coughs* coffee *coughs*) Or just drink it on it's own - which isn't a problem if you're soymilk is decent but if it's Smartprice, you're fucked!

3. Strawberry foodpacks aren't great for mixing with milk because they are quite weakly flavored (even if you only use 200ml of milk). Banana and chocolate work well.

4. If you combine two foodpacks you can get away with 500ml of soymilk.

5. If you're making a hot drink with soymilk, put the milk in first and slowly add the hot water while stirring the drink. Don't use boiling water, let a cool a wee bit first. It's de-lish.

You will feel better though! It will give you the pep you've been missing.

To be honest I guess it's not surprising that after eight months of what is basically starvation my body crapped out on me. I'm only 10st something now and I'm jogging, boxecising etc - I guess there's just not much more fat for my body to eat away at. Eight months is a long time.

I'm glad I'm doing Milk Week and I do feel better for it. It was a bit of a hassle to start with but I'm in the swing of things now! =)

Guess how much I lost on Tuesday night...no go on, guess...don't know? Okay, I'll tell you. NOTHING! "Fucking hell mate, did you go mental and eat sixteen chocolate eclairs?" you ask...uh no! Did I deviate at all? UH, NO! There I am, freaking saintly LLGirl, a shiny beacon of abstinence bursting with excitement and expectation as I'm stood on the scales after another week diligently sticking to her foodpacks. ZILTCH. Week 35, no food, ziltch.

Oh well. I'm not too bothered. I did have a mental week last week and I have still lost 8st.

The only problem is that if I do stop on 17 March, I'm not gonna get very far if I lose a big fat nothing each week. But still, like I say, I'm kinda happy with myself now and hopefully now I've shed the lumpy bumpy excess weight, exercise will help me tone up and become a total hot bod.

Someone called me svelte the other day actually. That amused me. I was like "Hahaha, what you don't know is I've got fucking huge pants on, tights, a vesty top tucked into my skirt, a shirt AND a tank top on...that's why I look svelte!". The thick black tights help too I think. They somehow make your legs look more streamlined. Hey, I'm not complaining.

It was weird the other day - this lady in my group said to me "See, you can wear that look: little skirt, thick black tights, really high heels...I can't pull that off." and it confused me. Is what I wear a 'look'? I just wear what I like. It's so crazy, I've always taken an active interest in fashion and (though I probably looked stupid thinking about it now) even when I was a 19st-er I used to buy Vogue, Elle, Look etc and was up on my designers but I always felt totally alienated and divorced from the whole thing. I couldn't accessorise or wear trends because I felt like being big was this massive barrier to the whole thing. No matter how cute my shoes were or how on trend my bracelet was at the end of the day I was still a fat girl and that detracted from what I was doing heinously. It's like no one would give to credibility. Even if you walked in to Evans (the only place I could go and let's face it they SUCK for fashion) and bought a whole outfit that was on trend, you'd still not look like the girls on the high street or in the magazines because your version was probably some floaty A-lined moomoo. And then of course there's silhouettes - tulip skirts, rara skirts, weirdly tailored coats...when you're fat all you want to do is hide your belly and look as slim as possible. Daring statement silhouettes can fuck off. Oh yeah, and of course my probably was that I could NEVER show off any part of my arm above the elbow. Meh, still can't to be honest.

And don't get me started on shoes. You know my love of severe verging on bizarre-o office shoes (freaking high, natch), well try wearing them when you're 19st. Well, if you can even GET THEM ON!! I couldn't tell you how many times I've nearly been brought to tears in places like New Look trying to force my foot in my size shoe - like one of the goddamn Ugly Sisters. Then if you can force them on your feet, it's a case of walking in them. Red raw feet, that's all I'll say. Squeezing, pinching, rubbing, throbbing red raw feet. So yeah, you put up with it because you think "hey, I'm rockin this" and then you see your reflection: this huge, heaving, lumbering mass hobbling down the corridor like a fucking lumberjack teetering over teeny-tiny dainty little shoes like tree trunks forced in to thimbles. You look I've you've been prized into those shoes with every ounce of effort someone could must. You like you have trotters. You don't look hot, you don't rock it, your size is simple far too sheer for you to tapper off in to these tiny little shoes. It's heart breaking. The amount of times I've seen my reflection when I was big and been humiliated. It's like, you try, you go through the agro of buying the shoes, you try on a million pairs of shoes, you put up with the pain, you fucking try your little heart out and then you see yourself and you think "God, why do I do this? Why do I fucking bother? I look like a frump in flats, I look like a Andy Fordham in drag in heels. I am destined to be ugly.".

Anyway, kinda went off on one there. Didn't mean to. Have to go now unfortunately. Sorry.

Week 1 - 18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2 - 5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3 - 3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4 - 3lb (18st)
Week 5 - 3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6 - 5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7 - 4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8 - 5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9 - 3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10 - 4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11 - 3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12 - 5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13 - 4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14 - 2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15 - 5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16 - 2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17 - 2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18 - 4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19 - 3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20 - 4lb (13st 12lb)
Week 21 - 4lb (13st 8lb)
Week 22 - 2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23 - 4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!
Week 31 - 6lb (11st 7lb)
Week 32 - 2lb (11st 5lb)
Week 33 - 2 1/2lb (11st 2 1/2lb)
Week 34 - 5 1/2lb (10st 11lb)
Week 35 - BIG FAT ZERO!! (10st 11lb)

I tell you what, I am never missing a boxecise class again. I didn't go last week because I was ill and on Wednesday night after about three press-ups I thought I was going to die. I was wheezing about like a good'un. I tried my best, of course. So there I was grimacing, slogging it out and just trying to get through it. Thursday I didn't feel too bad. Whacked on the five inch heels and off I totter to work. By 3 o' clock though I felt like I'd been up 30 hours straight and spent 15 of them in a bout with Rocky. I was dragging myself down the corridor. Fuck the shoes, I thought and took them off. BIG MISTAKE! I could barely straighten my legs! Now I don't understand muscles or anything but man, flat footed walking hurt. After that I was just buggered. I was shuffling about like an old man. My arms too - but I was going for it at Boxecise with my arms. NANNY BYE BYES, you will LEAVE ME!!

It's funny because I don't wear my glasses to Boxecise and so pull all these funny World's-Strongest-Man type faces when I'm doing squats and lifting weights - I just assume that since I can't see people's faces they can't see mine! Remembering of course the whole place is bloody mirrored! Haha.

Didn't think I'd be able to run this morning. I did try and make excuses, honest. I led there at 6am going "I bet it's cold outside, let's not go yeah?" (I talk to myself like I'm two people, is that weird?) and the other part of me was like "Oh just shut up you lazy twat, get up.". It was alright actually. Am starting to get a bit faster these days. 5k run tomorrow though. URgh.

Oh yeah, so my mum told A last night to make sure I didn't become aneroxic - WTF? I'm sorry but what WTF? What. The. Fuck? I'm just sat here shaking my head at the screen of my laptop. Annoyance, that's what I feel.

So you know I said I wanted to eat at the Brighton Vegan Fayre? Well, I'm getting near to finishing, so I've decided I will start Route to Management on Wednesday 18 March at the latest. So whatever I am then - but most people say you lose weight at the beginning of Route to Management anyway, so I'll probably get down to 10st 4lb. In the morning at the moment I am weighing 10st 8lb. So if we assume I'll be 2lb heavier at LL (I usually am - evening-tide y'see), that's 10st 10lb at the mo...lose two pounds a week (sigh, used to be three)..yeah, should be roughly 10st 4lb but then. It's about a month away.

Anyway, time for breakfast. Ha...I wish. Vanilla milkshake. You know all I eat these days is vanilla shakes, strawberry shakes and peanut bars. Every day.

Breakfast - Vanilla Shake
Lunch - Strawberry Shake
5.30 snack - Peanut bar
Dinner - Vanilla Shake

BUT OMFG!! PORRIDGE ON TUESDAY!! WOOO HOOOOOOO! I can't wait! =D Yay for new foodpack.

So yeah, on I get. Turrah.