So what I said yesterday is complete rubbish. The weight is not falling off. My scales are a pain in the arse and I am cross that I can feel hatred towards an inanimate object. It's not the scale's fault, they just produce a number. What annoys me though is that on Sunday I weighed Xst 13lb (as in the one below what I was) then Monday morning I was Xst 1lb (the one up), Monday evening I was Xst 4lb (HOW???) and this morning I was Xst 2lb. What? This is why you should not weigh yourself outside of class I assume and now I feel cross and disheartened.
Most of the time I am happy to do lighter life and it is no hardship for me. Yesterday there were biscuits in the kitchen all day and although they looked and smelt lovely I didn't think 'oh my God, I seriously need to eat one of those'. I just sort of reminsced about eating biscuits. Hmm, it's hard to explain. Basically there is no hardcore urge to eat anything that I have to deny because it's as if a mental block has formed that says 'Conventional food is not for you' and so you look at it, are interested in it but have no desire to eat it. So I just looked at the biscuits in the kitchen and smiled, I smelt them and thought 'oh, they smell wonderful' and then walked off.
The problem comes when, at moments like this, you think about all the 'hard work' you put in for very little weight loss (it seems little to me, I'm sure someone on WW would be over the moon). I was standing in Co-op half an hour ago faced with a wall of brightly coloured sweet wrappers. As I have already said, there was no desire to eat them but instead of having a happy reminsce about sweets, I was sad. A colourful wall of sweets used to be a fun thing but now it isn't. I used to buy kinder eggs and make the toys or scarf down Haribo like no tomorrow. I wonder if the hard work we think we have put in is maybe emotional rather than something like physical hunger? It's only every so often, things like someone eating pasta at work for their lunch or Daddy getting chips from the take away. I feel like a well trained police dog sitting patiently in front of a treat. You're not gonna touch it whatever happens.
I wonder in darker moments if LL is going to fuck up my eating habits more than they are already. I think if I lost all the weight I wanted, I would have done foundation three times. That's 45 weeks of food packs. That's 45 weeks of: Food is bad, food will mess everything up, do not touch food, if you eat food everything will go wrong. So when I get down to that fabulous 10st 4lb and they say 'okay, you can eat X this week' am I going to say 'but I don't want to because food is bad and scary and if I eat it I will put on loads of weight'?
Food packs are easy. Food packs are safe. Food packs are put in front of you in set amounts and you just pour them in to a cup and drink them. Food is limitless. Food is full of secret fats and carbs. Food needs weighing and measuring and calculating. Food tricks you in to eating too much. I don't think I like food.
But still I carry on, even with my concerns. Even with all the side effects I've spoken about before and the worry that I may be messing with my head rather than helping it I carry on. Why? Because I'm vain? Because I need to be accepted? Because I'm unhappy? It can't be 'for health reasons' like some people bleat if it is as 'unhealthy' as others say. I honestly can't think why. I am asking myself those questions sat here but the only response I'm getting is 'because I want to be thin' and we all know that's only the top layer of a very bitter onion. I will have to think about it some more.
In other, less depressing, news I bought a one litre bottle of water today. I've been concerned that I'm not getting enough water and I think the cups at work are deceptively small. Now all I need to do is drink four bottles and I will have got enough water. Sounds a lot more simple that thirteen glasses. I have nearly finished the bottle now and it's only 8.20. Yay, only three more to go and I will be the most hydradated person in Hampshire.
My car broke yesterday and now it's in the garage, which may account for my glum manner. Yesterday afternoon I was a dark cloud thundering down anyone who dare accost me.
