General ponderings and observations of my time spent on the lighterlife diet, upon which one abstains from all conventional food and drink for 14 weeks. I however, have abstained for over 7 months and lost over 8st. Read the whole story here. Hear talk of sagging skin, bizarre therapy sessions and a perpetually ship-jumping mother. How did I make it? Will I falter? Will I regain it all in a month? Find out everything you want to know about lighterlife and maybe a few things you wish you hadn't.
I don't even see the point of doing this anymore. Who am I trying to please by doing this? Why do I think that weighing less will make me a better person, a nicer person? I will still be the jealous, manipulative, sly, lazy, ugly person I am now. It is as if all I am fueled by is self loathing and vanity. There is nothing with any meaning in my life, why will being thinner help me? And to think I am spending £66 a week on this. There are people starving for free in Africa and I am chucking my money at this. It is sheer greed and sheer vanity. Not to mention the gluttony it took me to get here. I must be pathetic. Living on powder in a futile attempt to look 'good' when everyone can see right through me. They know what I am and what I will always be - an ugly, awkward, snotty, pretentious, childish bore. Why the fuck try and change? Everyone probably laughs at me anyway. I am always followed by patronising coos of encouragement. All gawping at the spectacle of the fat girl wading through life like an imbacile. Pathetic, empty, shallow, vain, pointless existence. Doesn't deserve to be happy.
I wore a pair of size 22 trousers a couple of weeks ago for the first time and they fitted quite nicely - not baggy, not snug. Really nice trousers, they were. I put them in the wash, got them back and guess what? They don't bloody fit!! It's enough to bring a girl to tears. I'm walking down the road and feel them slipping down around my bum, my pants are probably on show to the world. So I had to walk through the park with one hand holding my bag and mobile and the other clutching at my waistband and handbag. So much for looking better with LL. To be fair though, I think it says more about my mum's lax attitude to washing than how quickly I lose weight.
So there goes another item of clothes down the swanny. I just wish I didn't wear such big pants today if everyone is going to see them!
All the clothes my mum gave me the other week fit nicely now (except these trousers, of course). There are a couple of tops that despite being a size bigger than I officially am are clingy around the boobage and belly area. It's okay though, I know it's them that have the problem and they will probably fit in a few weeks time.
The last few days have been torturous at work. We had a big training seminar over lunchtime with a lunch provided. They only went and picked the really posh and lovely place down the road to do the catering. As I walked in to the room I was hit by a dozen tangy, sweet, savoury, spicy and mouthwatering smells (damn that enhanced sense of smell). I felt quite awkward and very deprived (I know I shouldn't have) as I sat there with my sparkling water watching everyone tuck in. It would have been okay if it was just the people I work with but it was literally everyone and the people who didn't know about lighterlife probably thought 'Why is that fat girl sat there with no food? She obviously does stuff her face otherwise she wouldn't be so fat so why is she sat there like some fat evangelical hypocrite??'. I got through it though and then at the end people decided to bring the remaining food upstairs to graze on through the rest of the day. About 8 people squeezed in the lift: seven of them carrying platters of food and me covering my face in desperation with a notepad. Our lift is smaller than the average airing cupboard in a terrace house and 8 people take up a lot of room. Everyone held their platters up around their necks to make space and so I was stood there with every luncheon food imaginable right before my eyes with a zillion lovely smells accompanying them. It was terrible. It was like some surreal dream. Talk about the ultimate temptation. Did I mention the lift was mirrored? I felt like I was in some kind of new romantic pop video. But hey-ho I remain abstinent. I suppose I should feel proud of myself but instead I feel miserable that I didn't get to enjoy the loveliness. It's not forever etc etc. I really can't deal with this positive mental attitude thing.
I've also started enjoying black tea. Don't tell my colleagues though because I am always giving them a ribbing for being addicted to caffeine. A lot of people seem to hate black tea but I guess where I don't drink any tea normally I'm not used to the milk.
I had my check-up yesterday, the nurse made me take my arm out of my top to do my blood pressure so I had to sit there exposing my flab. That was unpleasant. The good news is that I weighed in at 100kg. That's a nice round number, eh? She seemed quite shocked and congratulated me on my loss. She said before I started I was 119.5kg. Apparently my blood pressure reading is really good too. It always has been, which surprises me considering my obesity. I am no longer morbidly obese by the way, I can't remember if I mentioned that?
