So that's what I have to compete with sometimes. That's me at my worst - crooked thinking, internal chatterbox...whatever lighterlife calls it, I call it fucking malicious and spiteful. But at the end of the day, if that's what you think in your heart of hearts you can't say it's wrong. You wouldn't say it unless you thought it was true, would you?
Anyway, I feel better now. Needless to say I did not break my abstinence. I may have had enough but I'm still stubborn.
I dreamt I was at a school with a load of African exchange students (either that or I was in Africa) and they had brought huge gift baskets full of ripe, juicy fruit and I was sat at the front of the class with my old friend Luke eating grapes and strawberrys and melons and it was delicious (and no-one was staring at me or anything). After I'd finished I thought 'oh shit, I'm on lighterlife. Oh well, that's cocked it up.'. The thought that fruit had a lot of sugar in or something flitted through my mind but then my dream was over.
I lost 3lb at group last night, so by LL's scales I am now Xst 1lb, which I am not very happy to accept because on my own scales I am Xst 10lb into the stone below. Oh well, it's all coming off which is the main thing.
I do think there is a grain of truth to what I was saying last night (albeit very crookedly). Losing weight does seem like a vain preoccupation in my otherwise vacuous life. I do look to it as some magic cure-all and part of me wonders if it is. Will I really get the things I lack now if I weigh 10st? Will people even know I weigh 10st and if they do would it make them automatically like me more? Is it really 'the personality that counts' ? Uh no. Is it a reason to stop though? I could lie through my teeth to you and say that I'm doing it for my health but that seems pointless.
It reminds me a bit of the Smiths song 'What She Said' - what she says is 'I smoke because I'm hoping for an early grave and I need to cling to something'. Of course I am not starving myself in the hope that I will die but I do need to cling to something. At least this is positive, even if I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons. If I wasn't obsessing about this all the time you can bet your ass I would be eating bag after bag of crisps and Ben & Jerry's by the carton. And what would that do for my health (like I even care)?
So there we are...my friend Coops would probably tell me I need to get a hobby. That's his answer for most of my dilemmas. I suppose LL would say it's a 'game', started by me (who plays the victim) and Coops (who is the rescuer). Something along the lines of:
Me: Coops, my life sucks
Coops: Why?
Me: I have no friends
Coops: Why don't you go out with people from college more?
Me: Yes, but I haven't seen them for years, they'd think it was weird.
Coops: Maybe they would like to see you.
Me: Yes, but they've got their own friends now.
Coops: Why don't you get a hobby?
Me: Yeah, but I don't like anything enough to do it.
Coops: Why don't you fix your car or something, you like your car?
Me: Yeah, but it's too expensive and I don't know anything about mechanics..
etc etc
Discounting, all that bollocks. I wonder sometimes if I actually enjoy being unhappy. It's like now I'm getting thinner I am starting to look at other things to blame for my unhappiness or other reasons to be unhappy.
Anyway, this is all far too deep for me. I best get on.
