My experiences with the Lighter Life programme

You know what?  I really hate facebook.  You're minding your own business looking at pictures of a night out you never went on and then all of a sudden you're looking up ex-boyfriends only to see they're going out with another pretty young thing with perfect skin and hair and you end up thinking 'man, my life is shit'.  Say what??  So from one photo of a boyfriend-you-broke-up-with four years ago you can tell their life is better than yours?  Riiiight, LLGirl, you're making sense.  Why do I equate being boyfriendless to total failure?  It's ridiculous, I don't even have time for a boyfriend at the moment.  I spend nearly every waking moment working, driving, sleeping or studying.  Thassit.

Urrrrrggghhhhh...I am fed up with setting myself up for impossible missions:  losing 8st, becoming vegan, not eating for months on end, becoming a fucking solicitor.  Why can't I just sit down somewhere and watch telly and eat what I fucking want.  At the moment I constantly feel like I'm in an uphill struggle.  If I'm not worrying about failing my exams (I did spend four hours solid in a library today.  Saturday.), it's money, what I'm going to tell people at the Christmas party when we sit down to our billion course meal or my goddamn BINGO WINGS!!  I DON'T EVEN PLAY BINGO!

I have the body of a size 18 person and the arms of a size 26 person.  The girls at work call bingo wings 'nanny bye-byes'.  Well, I certainly want to say bye-bye to them.  I have started doing arm exercise in my room in an attempt to get the sheer massiveness of my arms under control.

So the other day I wanted to tell you about something but ran out of time.  The theme of our work Christmas party is Las Vegas and the dress code is black tie and diamonds (the crafty social events people seem to pick a 'let's-pretend-it's-fancy-dress-but-really-it's-just-black-tie' theme).  Fuck that, I originally thought. You want Las Vegas, you'll get Las Vegas. So seeing as I had already accumulated an entire Pat Butcher outfit for a Halloween party that never happened, I decided I would go as a Snowbird (despite half the people I told not knowing what one was)! A Snowbird is a retired person who trots off to their nice warm second home during the winter months. They go to Vegas and you can't pry the damn things off the slot machines. So I thought: Pat outfit + sun visor + 'fanny pack' + grey wig + nanny bye-byes + slot machine made out of a cereal pack = Snowbird!

So, days go by. I get quite excited about wearing my Pat outfit at long last and laugh at the thought of all the solicitors turning up in their boring bow-ties and suits and me looking like a bloody idiot. Then the other day I was talking to my mum while she got ready for work. Her and daddy had gone to the casino (again) and won loads of money (again). 'Wow, whoopie-do, how brilliant for you,' I half-moan. I never really enjoy hearing that they've won loads of money when I haven't. So we carry on talking and the Christmas party comes up. I tell my mum how my new colleagues are going as a showgirl and a rich lady and how the dress code is black tie and diamonds. My mum says I have to go as a rich lady too and I say 'No, I'm going as a snowbird! I can't afford to buy a dress and shoes and all that stuff. I already have the Pat outfit. I won't have to spend anything then. Lighterlife is ruining my Christmas!' and my mum starts going on about how I can borrow money from her and I say 'No because if I borrow money I'll get behind on my saving plan and I have to save up to go to China to hug a panda because that is my plan. Stupid Lighterlife asking us what we want to do before we are 80. I already had that plan.' (the China thing another one of my impossible missions that I have set myself) 'Yeah, stupid Lighterlife,' my mum says in a mocking tone as if she doesn't have a clue what I'm on about and then we start talking about pandas and my mum queries if you can actually hug them. Yes you can, in Cheng Du panda reserve. Youtube it. Seriously.

So anyway, I left because I had to study. A little while later my mum knocked on my door and said she had something for me. I thought it was going to be a Steiff panda because daddy had bought her one earlier in the day (they decided to go on a shopping spree because they won money at the casino). I scramble up to open the door and my mum is stood there with a load of folded up notes. 'This is for your Christmas party. You have to buy a nice dress with it. You have to look like no-one will have seen you look before.' and I said 'Mummy, you don't have to give me money?' and she said 'I know but me and daddy had a big win and we wanted to give you some'. So I gave my mum a big hug and said thank you.

Screw you, snowbird. It's all about the glam now.

Apart from my prom dress I haven't really ever bought a 'nice dress' before. I bought one that was £50 from Evans last summer for a wedding and felt like I was wearing a couture gown but looking back it wasn't a nice dress, it was a fat person's moomoo. My boyfriend of the time paid for half because he knew how anxious I was about getting something to wear and not knowing anyone there and how a nice dress would make me feel more confident. That was nice of him.

I can't start looking or buying anything at the moment though because I will probably be a size smaller by the party. I'm quite excited about it but I feel like I'm letting my colleagues down a bit because they still want to be silly and pin paper money to themselves and wear feather boas but now I'm more in the mood to wow people and look fabulous. I feel a bit like a cheat. They said I should pay a hairdresser to give me a big beehive up do (my idea, lol), so that I look super fabulous. I was considering it.

At least I can wear those magic pants or whatever they are called and not have to worry about feeling like I'm suffocating after my dinner. My friend Kylie said she felt like she was going to die after eating a meal in them!

I want to get a tiara, sparkly rings, a sparkly necklace, sparkly shoes! I want to be fabulous! =D I've never really had a chance to shine before – not in a 'fabulous' way. I wore a Vicky Pollard costume to a Halloween party at the height of my fatness and everyone cheered as I walked in and I felt like a star and I cherished that moment in the spotlight but it was all wrong. The Kappa jacket I was wearing was skin tight and it clung to my bulging stomach like I was pregnant. Yes, I looked good but for the wrong reason. I was probably fatter than Matt Lucas. I still keep the picture up to remind me just how fat I was.

I have looked on the Oasis website and they have some nice dresses. I don't know what style or colours will suit me. I think I need to have a massive trying on session. It's so exciting. I'm really thankful to my mum and dad for letting me have this little moment. I was all ready to wear my Pat outfit and stuff a pillow down my top (no really, I was) and look frumpy while everyone put on their best togs.

Yay for me.

So, have I got a photo to show you!  (EDIT:  I had to resize these pics, hope they look okay)

Here's what I looked like at week 11, to refresh your memory:

Here is me on Saturday or Sunday (I can't remember), week 20:

Now, bearing in mind I used to wear that skirt nearly everyday and at one point it got too tight for me...

...that's all I'm saying.

I'm gonna keep the bastard skirt forever and if it ever fits me again, I'm gonna chop my fingers off.

Also please note the stretch marks, french manicure, lizard and Morrissey t-shirt.  Heh, it's like Where's Wally?.  Morrissey t-shirt is actually in the background of both of them.  Well, I told you guys I hang it up and look at it!

Here's how I've done anyway:

Week 1    18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2    5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3    3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4    3lb (18st)
Week 5    3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6    5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7    4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8    5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9    3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10  4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11  3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12  5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13  4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14  2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15  5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16  2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17  2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18  4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19  3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20  4lb  (13st 12lb)
Week 21  4lb  (13st 8lb)

WOO HOO!!!

Mum's on the straight and narrow after turning up on Tuesday after her noteable absence and putting on half a pound.  The still-putting-Worcester-sauce-in-her-soup-and-milk-in-her-tea straight and narrow mind, but hey, I'm a stickler for rules.

Anyway, gotta get up early. 

Nightie night.

P.S.  I am genuinely in love with Sylar off Heroes.  He is the sexiest person in existence.  My future husband is a toss up between him and Stephen Fry.

So my hair has started falling out.  Not in clumps (thank God) but every time I run my fingers through it strands fall out.  I have exceptionally long hair in the first place and so am used to it to some extent but this is making me crazy.  To touch it, it feels like nothing is there.  I don't think it looks too bad but I cringe every time I have to feel it.  I am used to thick, crazy, messy hair and now I feel like I have lanky streaks of nothingness hanging limply from my head.  This has only been going on for about a week but I am paraoid already.  I've read loads of 'oh you won't go bald' and 'it stops after a while' messages on lighterlife forums but it doesn't really make me feel any better.  I know two other women in my group are losing their hair too.  Losing, thinning, whatever.

Never one to hang around, I have bought some 'Perfectil' from Boots.  I don't know if you are allowed to take them while on lighterlife but I read on some forums that people were taking 'skin, hair and nails' tablets and these say that on them! (Oh my days, isn't it worrying what you'll believe on the internet?) I have taken one a day for two days so far.  Obviously not seen any results yet.  I will let you know. 

It's not awful but it's not great either.  I am seriously considering getting my hair cut.  That's a big thing for me by the way, I have had very, very long hair for ages.  I always thought of it as 'my thing' - like, I wasn't just 'the fat girl', I was 'the fat girl with really long hair'.  I guess I don't need it any more the way I used to but I still liked my hair.

Come to think of it, how many lighterlife 'poster girls' have you seen with long hair?  I can't think of any.  Coincidence?  Nah, I'm just scaremongering.

Like I say, I have the perfectil, I will keep you posted.

My mum is complaining about hair loss too.  What a fucking joke.  She isn't even on the programme!

So anyway, group on Tuesday.  Here's how things stand:

Week 1    18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2    5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3    3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4    3lb (18st)
Week 5    3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6    5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7    4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8    5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9    3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10  4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11  3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12  5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13  4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14  2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15  5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16  2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17  2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18  4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19  3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20  4lb  (13st 12lb)  ONE POUND OFF 5ST!!  W00T!

Remember when I was so happy that I had lost 4st?  5st is incredible!  Still.  Want.  To.  Be.  Thinner.

Urgh, I just can't stop worrying about my hair.  Don't people say worrying makes you lose hair anyway or something?  Vicious circle. 

I guess the things I need to bear in mind are:

1.  It will not last.

2.  I hung in there with the irregular periods and they went anyway.  (Now that was rather alarming seeing as I hadn't had one for two years)

Update on the mum situation: 

Yesterday she said she was going to start back on food packs today.

Today she ate a curry from the Chinese takeaway.  Apparently she is going to start tomorrow.  'That's what you said yesterday' I told her 'you are full of hot air'.

Group tomorrow!  Will my mum go?  Who knows.  She hasn't said anything yet but I usually get a note left for me before I leave or - even worse - a text midway through the day. 

Mindbafflingly bizarre, on Sunday my mum asked my dad to buy her loads of soup when he went shopping.  "Lighterlife do soup, you know" I informed her.  "Yeah but I just want to live on soup," she said.  "Here's a thought, why don't you eat Lighterlife soup then?" I asked.  Lead fucking balloon, I tell ya - bearing in mind, of course, that she was eating some kind of fruit sundae covered in squirty cream while she said this.  I feel like I should do stand up like Jane off Eastenders.  I'll call myself LLGirl's Mum's Daughter.

I bought some peppermint tea during my Asda recon mission.  It's actually really nice.  I don't know why but I was expecting it to be awful and taste like soggy oak leaves, grass clippings and mint imperials.  When you first drink it, it is not minty and just tastes like green tea but there is a sweet mint aftertaste that is really enjoyable.  Nothing harsh - not like a trebor mint or anything!  You know my great uncle used to feed me those as a toddler, how weird/mean is that?

I got all Nigella on its ass and left a cup of peppermint tea brewing in the fridge.  Later I got two chocolate milkshakes and made them up using the cold peppermint tea.  Oh my days it was wonderful.  Such tastebud exctasy should not be legal. 

OMG!! I just realised - I haven't told you about the TOMATO SOUP have I?!?  TOMATO SOUP!!!  After literally months of agonising wait and false starts we finally got our tomato soup on Thursday night.  I rushed home to have my first taste (I have been fantasising about tomato for weeks and weeks now).  I am only slightly exaggerating when I say that I nearly creamed my pants when I stuck my tongue in to the sachet of tomato soup power (no, I couldn't wait for the kettle to boil).  It was like a tangy, sensory rainbow gushing forth on to my tongue.  Hand on heart, it was the best thing I have ever tasted.  Gen-fucking-uinely.  If everything is going to be like this when I start to eat, I think I am going to die of exhaustion.

I think this goes to show either:

a)  I am going freaking stir-crazy living on strawberry shakes, vanilla shakes and peanut bars; or

b)  My diet of kit-kats, Pepsi Max, pizzas and Ben and Jerry's had fucked my tastebuds big time.

Perhaps it is both.  Maybe tomato soup was to me what crack is to LiLo?

Anyway, Easties is on now.  I am dying to know who ran over Max.  I thought it was Lauren or Peter then Bradley then Tanya...now I have no idea.

So I'm a third of my way through my second hundred days.  Go me.  So by my estimation my second hundred days should finish in the middle of January.  I doubt I'll be done though.  I think I will need a month or so more.

My mum didn't go to group on Tuesday, despite telling me she was going to have 'a good week' and only eat on her birthday.  Her excuse?  She was waiting for her sewing machine to be delivered and she'd 'be too busy playing with it to go'.  That's dedication for you.  I don't even know how our counsellor still lets her be part of the group!  Anyway, here's how things are:

Week 1    18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2    5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3    3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4    3lb (18st)
Week 5    3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6    5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7    4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8    5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9    3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10  4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11  3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12  5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13  4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14  2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15  5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16  2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17  2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18  4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19  3lb (14st 2lb)

Annoyingly, I have stayed at 14st 2lb since group, which was, like, four days ago.  Sigh.  I am happy with 3lb though.  3lb is progress.  I wonder if I can break in to the 13st region next week?

I decided to go to my mum's birthday meal in the end.  I had bought her loads of presents and arranged for flowers to be delivered to make her day special and it just seemed a bit silly to spend so much effort making her day nice to then be petulant and childish.  I decided it was only a couple of hours, I could get through it.  It turned out to be fine.  I didn't feel at all awkward (I don't know about the others though!).  I had a bottle of water and when everyone ordered their main course (it was a buffet though!  I was right!) I ordered a pot of Chinese tea.  It was alright, the tea pacified my sensitive tastebuds and everyone else tucked in to their food.  The only problem came when the waitress shredded up a duck in front of me.  Like I say, I'm a vegetarian anyhoo and so was the man sat opposite me and (I don't know if you meat eaters realise this but...) duck stinks.  I'm okay with meat most of the time but duck is way stinky and this girl was going at it hammer and tongs right in the middle of me and him.  The veggie man just got up and walked off.  I turned to face the other direction and put my hair over my nose (effective method of stink removal). 

Credit where credit's due, my mum didn't have a main course (though I would point out that this was a buffet and so her starter was big enough for three people.  And the rest.)

I thought the whole meal would be torturous but it really wasn't.  So I would say to anyone that's put off doing lighterlife because of things like that - eat before you go, keep your drink topped up and it'll be fine.  Hurrah.  I did put a bar in my handbag just in case I got tempted but I didn't need it.

A lovely thing happened while I was getting ready for my mum's meal.  I discovered that the Tiffany necklace my parents bought me for my 21st birthday fits me!  When I received it, it was unwearable.  The chain is fairly short and it cut in to my fat neck like cheesewire. It has a celtic knot pendant that is suppose to sit nicely somewhere below that boney area but back last year it looked more like a choker (fitting really, as it was actually choking me also). It looked ridiculous. I felt ridiculous. “LLGirl, the fat whale, can't even wear her birthday present because she is too fat.”

Well, all that's changed now! I noticed my friend at work that day was wearing her Tiffany bracelet (also a 21^st birthday present) and so when I was rooting around for some jewellery to wear to the meal, on a whim, I tried it on. Joy upon joys, it just sits there nicely. No chaffing, no muffin top of neck fat bulging over a straining chain– just a lovely, elegant necklace sitting as a necklace should. I have been so pleased that I haven't taken it off since. I have a whole year's worth of wear to get through!

This diet never ceases to amaze me. There are so many things you give up and forget about as you put on weight – high heels, rollercoasters, nice clothes (take your pick) – and one by one I am slowly reclaiming these things. Even stupid little things you don't think about like my necklace, squeezing through a turnstyle, sitting cross-legged on chair or putting your handbag over your shoulder (the straps on bags from normal shops are too small usually. Evans, however, even do Fat People hangbags.). I noticed that some of my old bracelets are too big now as well. I didn't even realise I had lost any weight from my wrists. Oh my days.

The last thing I wanted to tell you guys about this evening is my vegan adventure. After going to town today and buying yet-another-top-that-doesn't-fit from New Look (my excuse this time is that it had Led Zeppelin on it), I went to Asda because my mum had bought a nice blouse there for £8 and I wanted to get it too. After I got it, I strolled up and down the aisles looking for vegan food. To my surprise Adsa did sell some specialist products – soy milk, soy deserts, diary-free custard (cool!), quinoa, vegan mayo, some stodgy looking Italian squidgy stuff that beings with 'p' but that I have forgotten the name of, diary free flapjacks – and of course the basics like fruit, veg, dried pulses and canned pulses. Some ordinary foods are 'accidentally' (I suppose) vegan too – soups, nachos, salsa, crisps (original pringles for example...or is it paprika, I forget), bread etc. It was lacking in vegan lunch 'meats', soy yoghurts, cheese replacements, tofu, TVP, tempeh etc.

Amazingly though, as if by freaking fate, I have discovered that the shiddy organic farm literally a few minutes down the road from me is vegan heaven! Who'd have thought it? I have never even been there because I thought it'd be all over-priced sausages and smelly old cabbage and to some extent it is but oh my days. I went in there after my hour and a half long inspection of Asda and it is brilliant. They have everything you could possibly want: nut butters, vegan jelly, tempeh, numerous different forms of tofu (including hot dogs, much to my joy), molasses, cheese replacements, soy yoghurts, miso soup, every dried pulse you can think of, nutritional yeast, fruit spreads, sprouted loaves, wonderous pates and lots more. It was a real eye opener and motivator. It is literally on my doorstep (Oh LLGirl, what an awful misuse of he word 'literally'). I can buy the easy stuff from the supermarket – fruit, veg, pulses, spices etc – and then buy my vegan goodies from the farm shop. Hooray.

I wonder what my next step should be. I have scouted both places out and it is 3 ½ months before I start reintroducing food (if all goes well). I would like to start trying to cook things so I don't end up eating lukewarm/charcoaled food for months after my journey but I don't really have anyone to cook for and I wouldn't even be able to have a quick taste to see if it's cooked or well seasoned.

Another thing I was thinking of doing was buying the odd bit here and there so that I don't get a massive shock from my first shopping trip. Hopefully stuff keeps.

Well, I know what's available. So far so good. (Would you believe I typed 'food' then and had to retype it!) Not sure of my next step.

I've been thinking about becoming vegan.  I don't know if I've mentioned it before.

I've been vegetarian for about five years now.  Firstly for moral reasons (I got brainwashed as a teenager) and after a brief spell of rebellion - I became obsessed with meat as some 'forbidden fruit' but then after taking a bite of a meat feast pizza discovered (a) meat makes me sick and (b) meat is disgusting - for more pratical reasons. 

Veganism has been something I have been curious about during those five years and especially over the past two years.  I kept this interest to myself though as I thought most people would scoff if I mentioned it.  'No chocolate?  No cake?  No nachos covered in cheese?', 'Oh my God, what are you going to eat?  You can't live off chips, you know' and the obligatory 'They're not going to stop killing cows just because you aren't eating them.  We have incisors for a reason.' etc. 

I couldn't even tell them definitely why I want to do it.  I don't know myself.  I would be lying if I told you it was because I care deeply about animal welfare - obviously I do care and probably more than your average Joe (Kentuckyfriendcruelty.com et al) but I couldn't reel off statistics at you or preach the good word veg because, quite frankly, I don't care what you eat.  I just don't want all that shit on my conscience.  (warning:  start of rant) I really don't like it when people get all argumentative about it.  Like I say, I'm not a militant, I won't go 'did you know that in slaughterhouses...' at the dinner table if I'm sat with people eating meat, I keep myself to myself.  What I hate though is when people go 'So why are you vegetarian though?  Because I saw on telly X, Y and Z and they say if we don't keep animals to eat they'll all die out and blah blah blah' (who the fuck is this ubiquitous 'they' by the way?) and I'll say 'No, it's not to do with that.  I don't really want to talk about it.' and they'll go 'No, come on then.  Is it because of so-and-so because I could kill an animal if I had to etc' and get all aggressive and arsey and I just think 'piss off, okay?  I don't grill you on the reasons why you smoke or why you haven't dabbled in cross-dressing, do I?'.  It's me and what I think, not the meat industry, not the animals, not whether I could fucking gut a fish (which totally counts as meat for all those lame-ass people who don't eat meat but think fish is okay...sealife not seafood).  It is a choice I have made and choose to stick by whether it is logical or not, in your grand opinion, and to be honest it doesn't affect you at all, so shut up.  That's what I'd like to say.  'No, go on, I like a good debate' they say.  It's not about being right or wrong - if I don't want to eat a sausage roll, I won't.  I doesn't mean I have to make you stop eating them too.  Grrr!  They do my head in.  (end of rant)

So yeah, veganism may make me prone to alot more of that.  There'll also, of course, be the whole 'You're doing what?  Oh my God, I bet you can't do it for longer than a month' thing but then after battling through my first few months of being veggie and the wonderous life experience I call Lighterlife, I realise that I am actually rather good at being stubborn.

I think if I had to take a stab at explaining why I am so interested in veganism, I think it's simply because I don't like the thought of having animal products in my body.  Milk gives me the creeps (I blame PETA's 'Got Pus?' campaign) and I just want to disassociate myself from it completely (I remember telling you how milk week turned my stomach).  Eggs are slightly different.  I can tell you now that I love the food produced from eggs - scrambled, fried, omelettes, boiled - I love it.  The thing is I just don't feel very happy about having anything to do with treating the poor bloody animals like a dispensing machine.  No, I don't have all the facts.  No, I am probably wrong.  No, I don't want to argue about it, that's just how I feel.  That and the idea of a diet of fruit, veg, pulses, nuts and grains makes me feel really positive and excited.  Invigorated.  I love chickpeas, I love lentils, I love beans - I just have a passion and drive to learn about how to make a healthy diet out of these things.  Obviously it will be a world away from what  I used to eat but that isn't a bad thing. 

I'm really interested in discovering new styles of cooking, new recipes, new ideas.  When I have finished this bloody ridiculous diet, I want to do things my way.  This is something I've wanted to do for a long time and I am going to seize my opportunity to do it.  I think lighterlife's reintroduction to food will be the perfect time to ease myself in to veganism.  It's not every day you get a completely clean slate with food.  In the meantime I'm going to read, read, read (and hope I don't get too hungry) to find out about nutrition etc.

God, anyway, I am totally falling asleep at my keyboard now!

Reeeeally need to sleep.  Night.

You can tell I've been studying instead of going online at work, can't you? My posts have all but dried up!  Well, I'm here now.  Once again typing gingerly as I have wet nail polish.  Already ballsed up my index finger and had to reapply, sigh.

Here's how I'm doing:

Week 1    18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2    5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3    3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4    3lb (18st)
Week 5    3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6    5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7    4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8    5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9    3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10  4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11  3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12  5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13  4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14  2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15  5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16  2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17  2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18  4lb (14st 5lb)

So last week's bellyaching has been quashed.  I did go in to be weighed with my arms crossed and a very pouty face and gave my counsellor an earful about how I was so very resolutely abstinent and filled to the gills with water.  She tried to pacify me by saying everyone gets fed up sometimes, even when they're eating food.  I said I'd probably get fed up more often if I was eating.  Then on to the scales I hopped and four pounds I had dropped.  "13lb in four weeks, I'd say that was pretty good" my counsellor said - can't argue with that.

It's my mum's birthday next week (you know, the one who eats ice cream, Chinese take aways and cream cakes and fuck all of her foodpacks) and she told me she was going to tell our counsellor she is going to eat what she likes.  I said she ate what she liked anyway.  What irritates me is that I see her eating food all the time.  I never see her eat foodpacks, although she tells me she eats her bars.  However, at group she tells everyone the only slips she makes is eating yoghurts and drinking wine and she never does it in front of me.  A lady said 'oh yeah, what about the Chinese take-away you had then?' jokingly and my mum said 'Oh no, I never had a Chinese take-away'.  Like hell you haven't!!  You had one on Sunday night, you cheeky sod!!  It's making me look like an uptight little abstinence fascist when that's far from the truth.  I don't give a monkeys if she eats or not (okay, I do), what I do care about a lot is trivialising what we are doing and fucking outright lying to our counsellor and the people in group I would consider to be my (sort of) friends.  Doing this really means something to me and it's hard enough without her taking the piss.  I told her I think she should go on Weight Watchers or something.  This obviously isn't for her and she is wasting her money.

Later she told me that her, dad, my auntie and my uncle are going to a Chinese all you can eat buffet (which when I mention in group, she lies about and says is actually just a restaurant) for her birthday.  She told me she wanted me to go.  I said 'Errrr...no?  Why would I want to watch you all stuffing you faces?' and she says 'Oh but LLGirl, it's my birthday.  You can have just one day off.' (obviously she said my name, not LLGirl)...'No you can't!!  That's the whole point of it.  You abstain.  Besides, I didn't eat on my own birthday, why would I eat on yours?'.  I admit I was abit cross with her when we had this exchange and obviously I could have been more diplomatic.  She got really guilt-trippy and later started telling everyone at group I was being mean to her and wouldn't go.  Once again, I will say doing LL means a lot to me and I think it's unfair of her to (a) intentionally put me in an awkward and temptation-laden situation and (b) lead me astray but suggesting days off.  Do it once and do it right, that's my motto.

Anyway, she told our counsellor and she said that was okay - this irritated me obviously because it clearly is not okay to 'take days off' in abstinence but whatever, our counsellor must just want our money.  Okay, no, hang on - if someone was taking this seriously and did abstain but decided to have one single day of food, fair enough.  That might be okay.  Masquerading as aforesaid person when you actually eat shit all week, is not.

Enough of this.  My mum is annoying me, basically.  Don't even get me started on my dad making me go food shopping with him and then going 'Oh, you can't have any of this, can you?' or walking past the self-service salad station (that's alliteration for you) and going 'Remember when you could eat this?  It's your favourite, isn't it?'.  He'll be making something and I'll go 'Is that bacon there?' and he'll go 'Yeah...', offer a forkful and say '...why don't you have a bit?'.  I will recoil in horror and disgust and say 'Daddy, there are two things wrong with that sentence: 1) I am a freaking vegetarian and 2) I am not eating!'.  He really is working hard to lead me astray.  It works with mummy (he's the one that buys her the goddamn fucking ice cream) but it won't work on me.  What's his bloody problem anyway?  What's wrong with losing weight?  Oh, I should probably point out that my daddy wears XXXXL clothes and eats his rice krispies out of a fruit bowl.

Family do this, I do that.  Anyway, moving on!

I bought a t-shirt at a Morrissey concert two years ago now (yes, he is a miserable sod).  I told them to give me the biggest size they had (which turned out to be an XL).  The t-shirt never fit me.  It was skin, skin, skin tight and wouldn't even go over my belly.  I used to half-joke that Morrissey must think all his fans are skinny if the biggest size they did was so stupidly small.  I used to keep it on a hanger over my cupboard door because I liked to look at it and think that one day I would wear it.  At the time it was the super-smallest piece of clothing I had in my wardrobe and getting there seemed impossible.  Well, up until yesterday it still was.  I tried it on in September and it was still tight around the boobs and belly (I could get it down at least).  I took a picture of it on my phone with a view to uploading it here and telling you guys it was my goal to get into it.  I tried it on this Friday morning on a whim and whoa, it was wearable!  It is still pretty clingy around my belly but more in a 'hey, I'm wearing clothes that fit' way than a 'oh my days, look at that vacuum packed flab' way.  I was so chuffed I wore it to work, I was abit conscious of the belly cling-age though so I wore a zip-up hoodie over it.  I have this paranoia that I will lose my common sense regarding clothes and squeeze in to things that are far too small so I can prance saying 'Look!  I'm wearing a size 16!' while everyone bites their lips and tries to keep their food down.  Someone very, very close to home does this and seems to go down a dress size in trousers every week while their muffin top miraculously inflates.  "I'm wearing size so-and-so jeans", uh yeah, we can tell - you shouldn't be.

Maybe I will leave the Moz top until it's a bit baggier - but then it's like a jumper I bought in a charity shop and kept in the 'doesn't fit yet' section of my wardrobe.  I wore it over a shirt the other day because - quite frankly - it was bloody cold and I didn't care if it was a bit too small.  I was wearing three layers and figured any unsightly lumps or bumps would get smoothed out.  I went to work and three different people said to my "LLGirl!! You're wearing clothes that fit!' or "Oh my God, look at you!  You can see how much you've lost when you wear clothes that fit!".  So maybe my view of what's tight or what fits is skewed because I've spent the last god knows how long hiding under swathes of fabric and moomoos.  (I don't really own a moomoo.)

I bought a size 18 top from New Look on Thursday because it had robots on it and was cheap - what is it with me and buying ill-fitting tops with robots on from New Look?  Well, it doesn't fit at all.  It's September Moz-top clingy.  I just tried it on to make sure that statement is true: it's not done-up-like-a-kipper tight - you can't see the outline of my bra or anything but my rolls of back-fat are highlighted rather unattractively.  The neck and shoulder area is okay, the boob area is too close for comfort but not puckering (good sign) and the belly area is not so good (belly held in is okay but hanging out isn't so grand).  So my goal is to be wearing it by Christmas.  Should have another stone off by then, so hopefully it's achievable. =)

End on a positive note. =) Turrah!