Day 127 Week 18

You can tell I've been studying instead of going online at work, can't you? My posts have all but dried up!  Well, I'm here now.  Once again typing gingerly as I have wet nail polish.  Already ballsed up my index finger and had to reapply, sigh.

Here's how I'm doing:

Week 1    18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2    5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3    3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4    3lb (18st)
Week 5    3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6    5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7    4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8    5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9    3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10  4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11  3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12  5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13  4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14  2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15  5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16  2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17  2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18  4lb (14st 5lb)

So last week's bellyaching has been quashed.  I did go in to be weighed with my arms crossed and a very pouty face and gave my counsellor an earful about how I was so very resolutely abstinent and filled to the gills with water.  She tried to pacify me by saying everyone gets fed up sometimes, even when they're eating food.  I said I'd probably get fed up more often if I was eating.  Then on to the scales I hopped and four pounds I had dropped.  "13lb in four weeks, I'd say that was pretty good" my counsellor said - can't argue with that.

It's my mum's birthday next week (you know, the one who eats ice cream, Chinese take aways and cream cakes and fuck all of her foodpacks) and she told me she was going to tell our counsellor she is going to eat what she likes.  I said she ate what she liked anyway.  What irritates me is that I see her eating food all the time.  I never see her eat foodpacks, although she tells me she eats her bars.  However, at group she tells everyone the only slips she makes is eating yoghurts and drinking wine and she never does it in front of me.  A lady said 'oh yeah, what about the Chinese take-away you had then?' jokingly and my mum said 'Oh no, I never had a Chinese take-away'.  Like hell you haven't!!  You had one on Sunday night, you cheeky sod!!  It's making me look like an uptight little abstinence fascist when that's far from the truth.  I don't give a monkeys if she eats or not (okay, I do), what I do care about a lot is trivialising what we are doing and fucking outright lying to our counsellor and the people in group I would consider to be my (sort of) friends.  Doing this really means something to me and it's hard enough without her taking the piss.  I told her I think she should go on Weight Watchers or something.  This obviously isn't for her and she is wasting her money.

Later she told me that her, dad, my auntie and my uncle are going to a Chinese all you can eat buffet (which when I mention in group, she lies about and says is actually just a restaurant) for her birthday.  She told me she wanted me to go.  I said 'Errrr...no?  Why would I want to watch you all stuffing you faces?' and she says 'Oh but LLGirl, it's my birthday.  You can have just one day off.' (obviously she said my name, not LLGirl)...'No you can't!!  That's the whole point of it.  You abstain.  Besides, I didn't eat on my own birthday, why would I eat on yours?'.  I admit I was abit cross with her when we had this exchange and obviously I could have been more diplomatic.  She got really guilt-trippy and later started telling everyone at group I was being mean to her and wouldn't go.  Once again, I will say doing LL means a lot to me and I think it's unfair of her to (a) intentionally put me in an awkward and temptation-laden situation and (b) lead me astray but suggesting days off.  Do it once and do it right, that's my motto.

Anyway, she told our counsellor and she said that was okay - this irritated me obviously because it clearly is not okay to 'take days off' in abstinence but whatever, our counsellor must just want our money.  Okay, no, hang on - if someone was taking this seriously and did abstain but decided to have one single day of food, fair enough.  That might be okay.  Masquerading as aforesaid person when you actually eat shit all week, is not.

Enough of this.  My mum is annoying me, basically.  Don't even get me started on my dad making me go food shopping with him and then going 'Oh, you can't have any of this, can you?' or walking past the self-service salad station (that's alliteration for you) and going 'Remember when you could eat this?  It's your favourite, isn't it?'.  He'll be making something and I'll go 'Is that bacon there?' and he'll go 'Yeah...', offer a forkful and say '...why don't you have a bit?'.  I will recoil in horror and disgust and say 'Daddy, there are two things wrong with that sentence: 1) I am a freaking vegetarian and 2) I am not eating!'.  He really is working hard to lead me astray.  It works with mummy (he's the one that buys her the goddamn fucking ice cream) but it won't work on me.  What's his bloody problem anyway?  What's wrong with losing weight?  Oh, I should probably point out that my daddy wears XXXXL clothes and eats his rice krispies out of a fruit bowl.

Family do this, I do that.  Anyway, moving on!

I bought a t-shirt at a Morrissey concert two years ago now (yes, he is a miserable sod).  I told them to give me the biggest size they had (which turned out to be an XL).  The t-shirt never fit me.  It was skin, skin, skin tight and wouldn't even go over my belly.  I used to half-joke that Morrissey must think all his fans are skinny if the biggest size they did was so stupidly small.  I used to keep it on a hanger over my cupboard door because I liked to look at it and think that one day I would wear it.  At the time it was the super-smallest piece of clothing I had in my wardrobe and getting there seemed impossible.  Well, up until yesterday it still was.  I tried it on in September and it was still tight around the boobs and belly (I could get it down at least).  I took a picture of it on my phone with a view to uploading it here and telling you guys it was my goal to get into it.  I tried it on this Friday morning on a whim and whoa, it was wearable!  It is still pretty clingy around my belly but more in a 'hey, I'm wearing clothes that fit' way than a 'oh my days, look at that vacuum packed flab' way.  I was so chuffed I wore it to work, I was abit conscious of the belly cling-age though so I wore a zip-up hoodie over it.  I have this paranoia that I will lose my common sense regarding clothes and squeeze in to things that are far too small so I can prance saying 'Look!  I'm wearing a size 16!' while everyone bites their lips and tries to keep their food down.  Someone very, very close to home does this and seems to go down a dress size in trousers every week while their muffin top miraculously inflates.  "I'm wearing size so-and-so jeans", uh yeah, we can tell - you shouldn't be.

Maybe I will leave the Moz top until it's a bit baggier - but then it's like a jumper I bought in a charity shop and kept in the 'doesn't fit yet' section of my wardrobe.  I wore it over a shirt the other day because - quite frankly - it was bloody cold and I didn't care if it was a bit too small.  I was wearing three layers and figured any unsightly lumps or bumps would get smoothed out.  I went to work and three different people said to my "LLGirl!! You're wearing clothes that fit!' or "Oh my God, look at you!  You can see how much you've lost when you wear clothes that fit!".  So maybe my view of what's tight or what fits is skewed because I've spent the last god knows how long hiding under swathes of fabric and moomoos.  (I don't really own a moomoo.)

I bought a size 18 top from New Look on Thursday because it had robots on it and was cheap - what is it with me and buying ill-fitting tops with robots on from New Look?  Well, it doesn't fit at all.  It's September Moz-top clingy.  I just tried it on to make sure that statement is true: it's not done-up-like-a-kipper tight - you can't see the outline of my bra or anything but my rolls of back-fat are highlighted rather unattractively.  The neck and shoulder area is okay, the boob area is too close for comfort but not puckering (good sign) and the belly area is not so good (belly held in is okay but hanging out isn't so grand).  So my goal is to be wearing it by Christmas.  Should have another stone off by then, so hopefully it's achievable. =)

End on a positive note. =) Turrah!