My experiences with the Lighter Life programme

Watching Eastenders while blogging. Now that's my kind of multi-tasking.

So hey, boxecise this evening! Fucking loves it! I don't know if I told you about my ex-boyfriend's mental new girlfriend who periodically starts on me via text or facebook for absolutely no reason...well anyway, she looks like she has a potato for a head. I call her Potato Head. I was punching the punchbag and really going for it when one of the girls I was with said “Imagine it's your ex-boyfriend...no, imagine it's Potato Head!”. PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH!! Bash, bash, bash! It's brilliant. Seriously, I want a punchbag. You don't get many chances these days to punch something as hard as you can and it is fantastic.

Don't get me wrong. Parts of it killed me but I did do all of it. I'm so looking forward to the next one though. God, I am mad.

My mum is really starting to fuck me off. I came in from boxecise full of zest and bounciness. I said to my mum “J at Lighterlife has lost 10st now!” and my mum turned to my dad and said “I don't know, I think some people are going too far with this. They are getting obsessed. They are going from one extreme to the other.”. She then told me that I better stop soon or she'll call my counsellor and tell her to stop giving me packs. “I'm you mother, I have a say in this”...I'm sorry, WTF? I am 22 years old. I am an adult. My BMI states I am overweight. I have been given an ideal weight by my doctor. I jog three times a week for thirty minutes and do an exercise class once a week for an hour. That is not excessive behaviour, that is normal. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. So yeah “I'm your mother, I have a say in this”, I say “I have a say in this, I am me.”. I asked her how she'd feel if her mum called Lighterlife about her. I assume she'd think something along the lines of “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”. It's such a piss take though. She was practically accusing me of having an eating disorder. I'm not being funny but when I go to the gym for three hours a day and weight 7st, then you can section me. As it stands I wear a size 16 top, weigh 11st 7lb and can't remember the last time I missed a foodpack, so kindly get fucked.

She doesn't seem to understand that I WANT TO BE HEALTHY. That's why I want to be vegan and that's why I want to exercise. I want to be fit, I want to give my body nutrition, I want to feel positive. I have seen the effects of eating disorders: tiredness, sallow skin, depression. Far from my aspirations of wholefoods, bright eyes and yogini-like flexibility. Urgh, the whole fucking thing is ridiculous. I don't even know why I'm fighting my corner here because her claim is nonsense. I want to cook, I want to bake, I want to eat. And yes, I want to run too. What's the fucking problem?!

Of course, part of me wonders if this has something to do with the fact she cacked up her Lighterlife a treat. It's harsh to say but you have to wonder. She told me she would get Christmas over and then start again. Then it was “I'll start again once my Chinese flu has gone away” (yes, what the fuck IS Chinese flu?). Now it's “I'll start again once I've had my scan”...”when's that?” you ask, only the middle of March. Seeing a pattern here?

When I get to 10st 4lb, I will stop. I promise you that. I swear on my freaking life. I have no desire to Nicole Richie myself. I do Lighterlife by the book (as you well know) and that's my goal. I am going to get there. I am going to get there without lapsing. I would like to get there without interference too.

Sorry, this whole subject really pisses me off. As far as I am concerned I'm not in the wrong at all. Surely an impartial individual would say “LLGirl has been given a reasonable goal by a medical professional. She is following the government's advice about exercise. She has an unhealthy BMI but she is working towards a healthy one. More fucking power to her.”

More fucking power to her!

Week 1 18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2 5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3 3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4 3lb (18st)
Week 5 3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6 5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7 4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8 5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9 3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10 4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11 3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12 5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13 4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14 2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15 5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16 2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17 2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18 4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19 3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20 4lb (13st 12lb)
Week 21 4lb (13st 8lb)
Week 22 2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23 4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!
Week 31 - 6lb (11st 7lb)

So was having a ball last week, I must admit – verging on mini-holiday albeit for the eight hours chewing the cud that is revision and three hours frantic scribbling. To tell the truth I'm looking forward to my next exam! Bring on the firm-paid Travelodge and free sachets of decaff!

Anyway, yeah, so I have been off work the last week. Lazily rolling out of bed at 8am and going for a jog. It's a nice time to go provided you don't get soaked by hate-ridden bus drivers. I quite enjoyed getting it out of the way, having a shower and then having the rest of the day guilt-free. I had been toying with the idea of getting up early to go jogging before work for a good month now. Like I said the other day, I just got ants in my pants about doing something exercise-wise and it seemed like a – huh, I wouldn't say good idea...but you know what I mean.

So after this week of indulgent morning jogs I bit the bullet and decided that this Monday was gonna be the day I tried out the 6am wake up. And you know what? It was a freaking dream. Out by 6.15am, crisp dark morning, jogged for longer than ever, back in by 6.40am, stretch and shower. I was out of the house bang on time. What could be better? My mum, of course, told me I was 'mad' when I saw her this evening...but then again, this is the woman who told me thirty minutes of exercise three times a week (the government guideline for exercise, no less) was 'obsessive'. Yes, that's me: the food nazi fitness 'obsessive'. Haha, I'm actually laughing at that now!

My mum, by the way, has been official off the wagon (as in, not making me lie about her absence at Lighterlife) for over a month now. She has, however, taken to eating the odd foodpack occasionally and then reporting back to me on her good behaviour. Riiiight, well done Mummy. Just don't reward yourself with a bar of Galaxy. That's not how it works.

Oh, I had a heinous accident on Sunday morning. I stayed at A's for the first time and was getting rather excited about my new breakfast concoction (current favourite meal of the day). I was stood beside a counter holding a glass that said “moo bah oink” happily whisking away at the contents when all of a sudden beige milkshake goes fucking everywhere. WTF??? The glass had fricking shattered and my goddamn breakfast was all over the counter, the floor, me and worst of all a fiftieth birthday card for A's mum. Oh my days, the embarrassment. I didn't know what I felt worst about: breaking the glass, making such a mess or not being able to eat my yumtastic vanilla/coffee shake. I honestly can't remember the amount of times I looked at A while we cleaned up (he in what appeared to be a polite state of bewilderment) and said “Seriously, I've made like two of these every day for six months. This has never happened before. Oh my God, I am so sorry.”. Urgh. It was awful. Watch out girls!

Maybe I've been in ketosis too long but I keep getting these sporadic, gushing moments of entirely sincere thankfulness for the things I have. It is bizarre. Usually to myself. Usually when I'm by myself. I was sat in my car on the way home tonight saying 'I am so happy. I am so lucky. I love my job. I love my family. I love my studies. I love feeling good about myself. Everything is so positive. Lighterlife is fantastic. A is all I could ask for. I am achieving things I have always wanted to achieve.”. I had just filled my car with petrol though, so maybe the petrol fumes had got to me. Seriously, I am so not that kind of person. It's so weird, it's as if I get a tiny little glimpse in to what it'd be like to take ecstasy. Sheer giddiness and delight at how much there is out there to achieve. Fantastic Britain, glorious Lighterlife.

Fucking mental though I sound, it really is all down to Lighterlife. I used to have no goals before I started. I remember my counsellor telling us we had to set long-term and short-term goals at the beginning of Foundation and I was like 'Errrr...what's the point? I don't have any, so I'm not going to make them up for the sake of it.'. The thing is, I want to tell you that now I am really motivated by self-improvement, I enjoy it and it's because I have lost weight...but that doesn't even make sense to me because I don't understand how getting into a pair of size 14 jeans makes me want to fulfil my potential. You guys know I'm all into crazy stuff like veganism, running, studying...fuck loads.

Well, let's put it this way: all I know is that I went to town on Sunday and I bought a sports bra and a vegan cookbook. Thought nothing of it, that's just wanted I needed (the former) and wanted (the latter). If you told me that a year ago, I'd have laughed in your face because those things were only pipe dreams to me then. Fanciful things for idle moments that I'd never dream of actually attempting. (My pipe dreams also included living on a houseboat and getting a cat, so watch this space.)

I was thinking about what I said to you about people saying I was trying to restrict my food choices last night after reading the cookbook I bought (How It All Vegan by Tanya Barnard and Sarah Kramer, since you ask). See I guess if you think about food in the conventional sense, it would seem that way...BUT (and this is a big but) I haven't been thinking about food in the conventional sense for a good six months now. I read How It All Vegan and it excites me. I'm not thinking 'Oh God, how am I going to survive without scotch eggs, toffee crisps and macaroni and cheese?', I'm thinking 'I want to try making apple bran muffins and banana pancakes and vegetable stew and black bean salsa. I want to learn how to cook tofu. I want to eat miso.'. People see it as closing down on real life but I haven't been part of the real life for a long time. The way I see it, a whole world is opening up to me (must be those petrol fumes again). I am so eager to get going on this. Sorry Lighterlife people. I bet you google “How much does Lighterlife cost” or something and end up listening to me ramble on about fucking soybeans or some shit.

Shiiiiit, so here I sit on the eve before my 200th day! And how like every other it has been!

I finished my exams on Wednesday and came back home. I miss my Travelodge bed. Lighterlife while I was away was fine. Eating so early in the morning before my exams put me a bit out of whack but we're all back to normal now! I've become hooked on Travelodge's little sachets of decaff coffee. Totally gonna buy a jar tomorrow. OMG, put one in a vanilla milkshake! Seriously, you have to. It is FABULOUS.

Water was a bit of an issue. I'm pee paranoid and as soon as I'm in a situation where there is no loo, guess what? I need to pee! Sooo...the car journey was set to be a challenge and I kept remembering my teachers at school saying stuff like “5% dehydrated, 25% less concentrated”. I had visions of myself fainting in the exams from lack of water or wasting valuable time trotting down the corridor to the toilets. Extremes of course.

Yeah, I do drink a lot but my crazy-fool mind doesn't help much. Let's just say I didn't piss myself or keel over but I did finish both exams with my legs crossed and with a trip to the ladies' in my thoughts.

The end of this week has been so nice because I haven't had to work or study. I've been dreaming about a day without those things since, like, October! I feel a bit weird not having to be the girl who knows everything in the world about land law.

I went to the zoo today as part of my “End of Exam Long Weekend of Fun”. I went with the Boy – let's give him a name, eh? Let's call him A. That'll work...might get a bit depressing with I get to boyfriend Z though! Anyway, he had a cream tea while I nibbled on my cranberry bar and sipped black tea. Sigh.

We talked a lot about my future plans for veganism. It seems strange but we often talk about that. He's genuinely interested (it seems) and has an intuitive knack for offering support. He's usually the one that brings it up to be honest. More than one person recently has suggested or implied that I'm considering veganism as a way to 'limit' my future food choices but, as A knows from our numerous talks, when I think about the future it's never in a restrictive way. I think about recipes, cooking methods, eating out, things I want to try, ingredients, exotic cuisine. I very rarely think 'well, I can't eat chocolate, ice cream, cakes...'. Even if I do, it's more like (and this is a recent thought I've had): 'I think I'll miss cream eggs but they do make vegan chocolate and Green & Black's dark chocolate is vegan'. (note to hardcore vegans: I am aware of the recent issue with the addition on the label!)

I'm fairly happy with the home cooking idea. I have ordered a couple of books from Amazon and found a great website: http://www.vegancoach.com/ (So great. Really useful info on foods like quinoa as well as a list of complimentary foods, so you can make your own recipes). My new project is looking at menus when I visit places (the zoo, Little Chef, pubs) and seeing (a) if they have anything vegan (onion rings, chips, beans on toast) or (b) if I could ask them to leave anything off/switch anything to make it vegan. I'm hoping that the more I practice this while I'm abstaining the more confident I'll get that it is possible to eat out whilst vegan.

I keep looking forward to the summer and thinking about things like picnics in the forest especially: carrots, cucumber, celery, peppers, hummus, pitta bread, guacamole, strawberries, raspberries, apples, nachos, salsa. I have, of course, ridiculously romantic images of prancing around in flimsy dresses and sandals with gorgeous, tousled sun-kissed hair. Oh dear. Foolish notions.

Oh and someone told me what stroganoff was! They weren't vegan or even vegetarian but it gave me some ideas. Apparently it's like stew but kinda sticky and with rice in? Now that sounds like my kinda meal! I like the idea of putting a lot of stuff in a pot with some rice.

I'm considering trying to reacquaint myself with mushrooms. I don't like them but I read on the internet (always a good way to start a convincing argument) that “mushrooms are nature's meat”. Now, see I would think meat was nature's meat but hey, I can't eat meat so I'm not gonna push it.

Anyway, best be off now. Just wanted to tell you one last thing. I got up at 8am this morning before I went to the zoo, so I could go jogging. It was freezing and pissing it down. I did my warm up and started to jog when I car shot past me and I got wet. Ah, fair enough, I thought...gonna happen when it's wet. A little later I stopped to stretch against a fence with my back to the road. It was only spitting at this point. I was listening to my music quite loudly, so I only heard the bus at the last minute. You know where this is going. My legs, my arse, my back, my neck, my hair and one ear. Fucking soaked. Nasty, dirty, shitey water dripping down my bare neck. Oh nastiness. My hair smelt like drains. Oh my days.

Oh, and here's my weight loss. You know I haven't cheated as well!

Week 1    18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2    5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3    3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4    3lb (18st)
Week 5    3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6    5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7    4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8    5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9    3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10  4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11  3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12  5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13  4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14  2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15  5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16  2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17  2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18  4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19  3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20  4lb  (13st 12lb)
Week 21  4lb  (13st 8lb)
Week 22  2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23  4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!

So, here I am sat in my comfy, warm Travelodge bed. One exam down, another to go. On Wednesday, luckily, so I feel like I can give myself a bit of a break now. Just drunk my upteenth cup of decaff coffee, which I am LOVING by the way.

Things have been pretty mental this past month. I'll try and fill the gaps I've left – in a vague stab at orderliness!

Let's first of all say that I am in a much happier place than my last blog entry! Got my first exam out off the way (piss easy) and much less stressed.

Right, so! The Christmas party and Christmas generally. Well, I found a gorgeous dress in Monsoon. Dress shopping itself was utterly fabulous. I felt like a princess rushing around with armfuls of satin and sparkle. I was so grateful to my mum for giving me the money. It really did wonders for my confidence as I stood infront of the mirror in my emerald green prettiness thinking “God, I am so lucky to be able to wear this dress...no, hang on, wait..it's not luck, I did this. This is will power and determination. I deserve this. I worked hard for this.'. It felt like an affirmation of all that I had achieved.

There were so many shocked faces at the party. People I had pretty much forgotten about from our offices had wide eyes and grins when they saw me – even people from my office seemed amazed to be honest! I was running late meeting my friends at the train station before the party and rushed in wearing my tiara, dress and faux fur shrug (not thinking this was at all strange at the time) and I heard a guy say 'oh wow' as I strode past. Oh wow, at me! Once again – thank you mummy, thank you Monsoon and thank you Lighterlife!! I love you!

At the Christmas party I had a pot of tea while the others ate their meals. Fortunately there was a Frank Sinatra impersonator on stage while dinner was served and so I was able to groove about while I sipped away. I didn't feel in the slightest bit awkward or deprived. I couldn't tell you how the others felt though! The staff at the hotel were great food (or non-food) wise. The one thing I did wish I could have was booze though. Everyone got completely wasted and wanted to dance the night away but it's hard to get your groove on with no alcoholic lubrication. The drunkards were waving their arms about going “ah mate, I love this song...come on, come on, just come up here and we'll do some dancing, yeah?” to things like Return of the Mac and I was so not feeling it. In the end I decided to pretend I was drunk and make with the dirty dancing. It worked a treat. I'm not sure how I stopped being self conscious but I had a lot of fun.

In the rush of getting ready before the party I forgotten to eat a foodpack and so by home time I hadn't eaten for a good twelve hours, had danced for about three consecutive hours and hadn't drunk nearly enough. When I was in the taxi home (Bournemouth to Southampton, not the shortest journey) I felt like I was going to die and be sick – in that order. I felt absolutely terrible. It felt like a mixture between travel sickness and booze sickness...but I was sober! My boss had to ask the taxi driver to stop and bought me some water and painkillers. What a hero. I still felt awful after that and so my boss told me I shouldn't drive and asked the taxi driver to take me home (I thought being able to drive home sober was brilliant but so much for that!). They were both absolute angels that night. I think it was just lack of food and too much dancing. I got through the door and couldn't make it up the stairs. I sat curled up on the third step up sipping water with my eyes closed for a good thirty minutes. I learnt an important lesson that night: when you only eat 500 calories a day, make sure you do actually eat them!!

So yeah, fantastic Christmas party but not so fantastic journey home. I vividly remember saying in the midst of my battle to stay lucid “the Daily Mail would have a field day if they saw me now”.

Christmas wasn't at all the gut wrenching torture Lighterlife warned us about. To be honest, yes there were a few more goodies about than usual but it didn't change how I felt. Food is hardly an object now. I don't stop at the food counter in cafes, I rarely go in the kitchen cupboards, I don't bat an eyelid when my dad gets a take away. I had a chicken soup at the table with my parents while they ate their Christmas dinner. I think the only thing that bothered me was that the days seemed longer with less eating. In a normal week I have a routine and my day is filled with working and studying, so I don't notice the time. Christmas took away my routine and left me wondering when to eat. I also wanted to time my meals with my parent's if it was possible, so that I didn't end up sitting there having to smell whatever tasty treat they had.

My fellow Lighterlifers all had intentions to deviate from abstinence in the Christmas season but you know me – do it once, do it right. I didn't even eat for my birthday, I wasn't gonna eat for Jesus' birthday! I made it, it was okay.

A little sumthin-sumthin made the festive period a whole lot sweeter though, I must admit! I met a boy! A nice one! I met him in the middle of December through a friend. It was a bit weird not having the 'fat' label at first. It was hard for me to realise that to him I must have just been a nice girl, not a nice girl who is fat. It took me some time to realise I could wear sexy underwear and not feel like fraud. I told him about Lighterlife and he was interested and impressed rather than cynical and scornful (the usual response!). We went here, there and everywhere and I would have a bar while he got a sandwich or burger. I am quite pleased it's not a big deal to him and he doesn't treat me like an alien. At first he would forget and ask 'what do you want for lunch' or 'would you like some orange juice?' and I'd be like 'errrr....can only have water, remember?'. I quite enjoy (sad, I know) having a black tea while he eats. It makes me feel like I'm having something special.

One thing I will say before we venture in to the world of TMI though – my once boutiful boobs are now mere spaniel ears. While they do look smokin' in the aforementioned sexy underwear, they look positively mournful out of it. That was something that bothered me and made me feel ugly.

So the boy is very in to things like fencing, boxing, martial arts and running. Very fit, very athletic. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence but I have been trying really hard to work out a way of being able to afford to go to the gym. Turns out I can't afford it. Meh. My colleagues and I decided we'd try boxecise instead (lots of patronising coos from the boy who does 'proper' boxing), which is on a Wednesday night. I can't go until next week though, as I won't be back home in time this week.

I have, however, started running and shock of all shocks, I enjoy it!! And I am improving!! It's amazing. The craziest thing is – it makes me feel good. I start off feeling cold and awkward but once I get going I get such a buzz out of doing well. By the time I get home I feel great. I stretch (over-enthusiastically...always), have a shower and put something cosy on and then I relax. I get such a feeling of wellbeing. I love it.

So how much have I lost now? Well, I can't give you a week by week break down because I left my record card at home but I can tell you it's about 7st. My counsellor wants me to stop when I weigh 11st but my goal has always been 10st 4lb, which is what my doctor originally said was healthy for my height (5” 6 ½'). People delight (it seems) in telling me I should stop, that I'm becoming obsessive and that I look “too thin”...too thin? Are they mad? I look normal ffs!

Various individuals have told me the reason I want to become vegan is about controlling what I eat. News to me. I never think of it in a restrictive way though. I think 'I want to learn to cook chickpea and lentil curry' or 'I wonder how you use tofu in stiry-fry'. Have yet to ask my counsellor about the whole shebang. We'll see, eh?

Think that's everything. I'll let you know if I have forgotten anything!