My experiences with the Lighter Life programme

Guess how much I lost on Tuesday night...no go on, guess...don't know? Okay, I'll tell you. NOTHING! "Fucking hell mate, did you go mental and eat sixteen chocolate eclairs?" you ask...uh no! Did I deviate at all? UH, NO! There I am, freaking saintly LLGirl, a shiny beacon of abstinence bursting with excitement and expectation as I'm stood on the scales after another week diligently sticking to her foodpacks. ZILTCH. Week 35, no food, ziltch.

Oh well. I'm not too bothered. I did have a mental week last week and I have still lost 8st.

The only problem is that if I do stop on 17 March, I'm not gonna get very far if I lose a big fat nothing each week. But still, like I say, I'm kinda happy with myself now and hopefully now I've shed the lumpy bumpy excess weight, exercise will help me tone up and become a total hot bod.

Someone called me svelte the other day actually. That amused me. I was like "Hahaha, what you don't know is I've got fucking huge pants on, tights, a vesty top tucked into my skirt, a shirt AND a tank top on...that's why I look svelte!". The thick black tights help too I think. They somehow make your legs look more streamlined. Hey, I'm not complaining.

It was weird the other day - this lady in my group said to me "See, you can wear that look: little skirt, thick black tights, really high heels...I can't pull that off." and it confused me. Is what I wear a 'look'? I just wear what I like. It's so crazy, I've always taken an active interest in fashion and (though I probably looked stupid thinking about it now) even when I was a 19st-er I used to buy Vogue, Elle, Look etc and was up on my designers but I always felt totally alienated and divorced from the whole thing. I couldn't accessorise or wear trends because I felt like being big was this massive barrier to the whole thing. No matter how cute my shoes were or how on trend my bracelet was at the end of the day I was still a fat girl and that detracted from what I was doing heinously. It's like no one would give to credibility. Even if you walked in to Evans (the only place I could go and let's face it they SUCK for fashion) and bought a whole outfit that was on trend, you'd still not look like the girls on the high street or in the magazines because your version was probably some floaty A-lined moomoo. And then of course there's silhouettes - tulip skirts, rara skirts, weirdly tailored coats...when you're fat all you want to do is hide your belly and look as slim as possible. Daring statement silhouettes can fuck off. Oh yeah, and of course my probably was that I could NEVER show off any part of my arm above the elbow. Meh, still can't to be honest.

And don't get me started on shoes. You know my love of severe verging on bizarre-o office shoes (freaking high, natch), well try wearing them when you're 19st. Well, if you can even GET THEM ON!! I couldn't tell you how many times I've nearly been brought to tears in places like New Look trying to force my foot in my size shoe - like one of the goddamn Ugly Sisters. Then if you can force them on your feet, it's a case of walking in them. Red raw feet, that's all I'll say. Squeezing, pinching, rubbing, throbbing red raw feet. So yeah, you put up with it because you think "hey, I'm rockin this" and then you see your reflection: this huge, heaving, lumbering mass hobbling down the corridor like a fucking lumberjack teetering over teeny-tiny dainty little shoes like tree trunks forced in to thimbles. You look I've you've been prized into those shoes with every ounce of effort someone could must. You like you have trotters. You don't look hot, you don't rock it, your size is simple far too sheer for you to tapper off in to these tiny little shoes. It's heart breaking. The amount of times I've seen my reflection when I was big and been humiliated. It's like, you try, you go through the agro of buying the shoes, you try on a million pairs of shoes, you put up with the pain, you fucking try your little heart out and then you see yourself and you think "God, why do I do this? Why do I fucking bother? I look like a frump in flats, I look like a Andy Fordham in drag in heels. I am destined to be ugly.".

Anyway, kinda went off on one there. Didn't mean to. Have to go now unfortunately. Sorry.

Week 1 - 18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2 - 5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3 - 3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4 - 3lb (18st)
Week 5 - 3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6 - 5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7 - 4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8 - 5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9 - 3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10 - 4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11 - 3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12 - 5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13 - 4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14 - 2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15 - 5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16 - 2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17 - 2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18 - 4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19 - 3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20 - 4lb (13st 12lb)
Week 21 - 4lb (13st 8lb)
Week 22 - 2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23 - 4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!
Week 31 - 6lb (11st 7lb)
Week 32 - 2lb (11st 5lb)
Week 33 - 2 1/2lb (11st 2 1/2lb)
Week 34 - 5 1/2lb (10st 11lb)
Week 35 - BIG FAT ZERO!! (10st 11lb)

I tell you what, I am never missing a boxecise class again. I didn't go last week because I was ill and on Wednesday night after about three press-ups I thought I was going to die. I was wheezing about like a good'un. I tried my best, of course. So there I was grimacing, slogging it out and just trying to get through it. Thursday I didn't feel too bad. Whacked on the five inch heels and off I totter to work. By 3 o' clock though I felt like I'd been up 30 hours straight and spent 15 of them in a bout with Rocky. I was dragging myself down the corridor. Fuck the shoes, I thought and took them off. BIG MISTAKE! I could barely straighten my legs! Now I don't understand muscles or anything but man, flat footed walking hurt. After that I was just buggered. I was shuffling about like an old man. My arms too - but I was going for it at Boxecise with my arms. NANNY BYE BYES, you will LEAVE ME!!

It's funny because I don't wear my glasses to Boxecise and so pull all these funny World's-Strongest-Man type faces when I'm doing squats and lifting weights - I just assume that since I can't see people's faces they can't see mine! Remembering of course the whole place is bloody mirrored! Haha.

Didn't think I'd be able to run this morning. I did try and make excuses, honest. I led there at 6am going "I bet it's cold outside, let's not go yeah?" (I talk to myself like I'm two people, is that weird?) and the other part of me was like "Oh just shut up you lazy twat, get up.". It was alright actually. Am starting to get a bit faster these days. 5k run tomorrow though. URgh.

Oh yeah, so my mum told A last night to make sure I didn't become aneroxic - WTF? I'm sorry but what WTF? What. The. Fuck? I'm just sat here shaking my head at the screen of my laptop. Annoyance, that's what I feel.

So you know I said I wanted to eat at the Brighton Vegan Fayre? Well, I'm getting near to finishing, so I've decided I will start Route to Management on Wednesday 18 March at the latest. So whatever I am then - but most people say you lose weight at the beginning of Route to Management anyway, so I'll probably get down to 10st 4lb. In the morning at the moment I am weighing 10st 8lb. So if we assume I'll be 2lb heavier at LL (I usually am - evening-tide y'see), that's 10st 10lb at the mo...lose two pounds a week (sigh, used to be three)..yeah, should be roughly 10st 4lb but then. It's about a month away.

Anyway, time for breakfast. Ha...I wish. Vanilla milkshake. You know all I eat these days is vanilla shakes, strawberry shakes and peanut bars. Every day.

Breakfast - Vanilla Shake
Lunch - Strawberry Shake
5.30 snack - Peanut bar
Dinner - Vanilla Shake

BUT OMFG!! PORRIDGE ON TUESDAY!! WOOO HOOOOOOO! I can't wait! =D Yay for new foodpack.

So yeah, on I get. Turrah.

Just a quick one today, girlies...had something I needed to tell you THIS INSTANT:

I HAVE LOST 8ST!!!

Check it out:

Week 1 18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2 5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3 3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4 3lb (18st)
Week 5 3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6 5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7 4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8 5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9 3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10 4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11 3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12 5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13 4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14 2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15 5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16 2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17 2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18 4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19 3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20 4lb (13st 12lb)
Week 21 4lb (13st 8lb)
Week 22 2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23 4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!
Week 31 - 6lb (11st 7lb)
Week 32 - 2lb (11st 5lb)
Week 33 - 2 1/2lb (11st 2 1/2lb)
Week 34 - 5 1/2lb (10st 11lb) EIGHT STONE!!

WOO HOO!!  I'll be finished in no time.

So yeah, make me happy and make yourself happy by buying my clothes and shoes off ebay =P:

http://shop.ebay.co.uk/merchant/porkfap_W0QQ_nkwZQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZQQ_mdoZ

Also, bought some rollerblades to go skating in with my fit friend (healthy, not hot) and got them delivered to work.  Put them on in the office in a fit of excitement, slipped off my chair and straight on to my ass.  Now I have a sore ass.  And boxecise tonight.

I went running this morning for the first time since Wednesday. Man, I felt lazy! It felt good once I got going though and I made an effort to pick up the pace in the last quarter. Boxecise tomorrow as well, that'll get me back in to the swing of things.

I'm going out with the girls on Friday night and so last night was dragged shopping by my friend who insisted I needed 'a nice top and some jeans that aren't bloody baggy'. I was reluctant because I'm on a serious saving money kick at the moment. Lighterlife, might I point out, takes roughly a quarter of my pay each month...sigh, moan, huff. So anyway, my friend has completely different taste to me and was picking out clingy, weird, off the shoulder 80s numbers and I was distracted by looking at the price of everything.

Eventually after a good rummage through the sale rail I found a really sweet, frilly, paisley-ish dress in a number of blue shades (size 14) that had one of those 'imperfect' tags on. The little vesty top underneath the dress had a strap broken but hey, I thought, easily fixable. And £3 off, woot says the cheapskate in me (making it £19). So yeah, I try it on with some other dresses - one floaty polka dot dress (size 12 - my choice), one chucky black and grey striped jersey dress with a strange elasticated neckline (size 14 - her choice, obv) - and the broken one rocked it by miles. Yaaaay for the cheap dress. So I got to the checkout and some, like, 14 year old was stood there. I noticed out of the corner of my eye the till says "£10 off" and I'm like 'what?' and then she puts through the £3 off and says to me "That's £9 then please." and I practically drop everything trying to shove my card into the reader as quickly as possible. The 14 year old rolls her eyes and tuts before telling me the till hasn't given me a receipt and she needs to get her manager. I was like "Errr...I don't need a receive kthanksbye!" and rushed off before they get the chance to demand the extra tenner off me. It's going in my ISA bitches!! I need to move out!

It was brilliant! The cheapest dress looked the nicest, I got an extra tenner off and appeased my guilty clothes buying conscience. Woo hoo!

I was thinking this morning about this I like now I'm slimmer...here's my list:

Tights - hadn't worn them since I was about 12 but they freaking rock! I'm talking the completely opaque ones - black, of course. They make your legs look slimmer and keep 'em warm. What more could you ask for?

My legs - come to think of it. They have miraculously become slim in, like, a month. I guess it's the running?

Padded bras - just as my legs have become slim (in what feels like) overnight, my boobs have completely disappeared. I now fit in those lovely padded bras M&S make. I used to have to get the E-G cup version of the A-DD bras. They always felt granny-fied and completely unsexy. No more M&S underwear splurges for me though. Not now I'm on my saving kick.

Charity shops - well, I loved 'em before but I can fit in a lot more stuff now. =) Charity shops in Brighton, might I add, ROCK! Monsoon denim skirt, Dorothy Perkins pinstriped skirt, red freaking cork wedges...loves it.

Uber high heels - I can wear them all day now! Currently wearing black patent platform peeptoe slingbacks with a heel measuring 5inches. Yes, I am a giant but I feel like a princess.

Anyway, that's enough for now. Time to work. I've added some stuff to ebay if you fancy it - there's two pairs of Evans knee length boots on there that cost me a fortune and will sell for peanuts, no doubt.

http://shop.ebay.co.uk/merchant/porkfap_W0QQ_nkwZQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZQQ_mdoZ

I've just come back from a weekend away in Brighton. Tooled up with my foodpacks of course. More Travelodge, more free decaff coffee!! Managed to rack up a few more places I've made a crafty foodpack in - McDonald's straws do not make good stirring implements I have learnt. M&S cafes are a pretty good place - you get a proper glass and there are forks available.

I've been doing a spot of baking too! So much fun but exceptionally hard when you're abstaining. When you're doing the icky sticky bits and melting chocolate chips (dairy free, of course) it is sooo tempting to lick your fingers. I've managed to refrain so far but it truly does take effort. Then, of course, when the muffins and cookies come out of the oven they smell superb.

I made A some muffins for Valentine's Day, y'see. Vegan, natch. I made him banana and walnut and banana choc-chip and then I iced them and wrote soppy messages on the top. He was very happy with them I think. I made a test batch for my parents (I was super worried I'd fucked them up a treat) and was both relieved and pleased when my mum woofed them down and said they were delicious. I also made a chocolate and banana no-bake pie with a cheesecake base but that was (a) really frickin time consuming and (b) not as asthetically pleasing as the muffins.

So after the sneaky test batch triumph, I attempted the real thing. A loved them and was quite interested in my budding vegan bakery skills, so today we got to work making some vanilla and (dairy free) choc-chip cookies.

A gets a lot of grief, bless him. He was nomming away on the cooled cookies and I was quizzing him on their taste - "Well, are they sweet? Can you taste the vanilla? Are they chewy? Too chewy? Are they not cooked? Are they crunchy as well? How crunchy? Are the chips okay? Do they taste like normal?". He's like "MMmm, well, they're nice. They taste good."...good? Good? I need more than that! More adjectives please! You seem not to realise I cannot taste them! He was even trying the soy milk I bought for the no-bake pie. He said it tasted like full fat milk and even put it on his cornflakes instead of the red stuff my mum buys. What a turn up for the books I thought, I'm all for veganised full fat milk! It's worth pointing out, of course, it has hardly any fat in it.

Abstinence is really wearing thin these days. I'm starting to fit in to a lot of size 12 trousers (I even bought a Monsoon skirt in a size 10 in Brighton - but we all know Monsoon cuts big, right girls?) and I just can't see the point in carrying on any more. Last night I weighed myself as 10st 12lb but on Wednesday at LL (I didn't go to group because I was ill) I was 11st 2 1/2lb. God knows why it's varying so much but it's a big difference and it is discouraging. If I knew for certain it was only a month more, I think I could stick it out but as it stands - weighing 11st 2 1/2lb and only losing 2lb-ish a week - I could be abstaining still in 7 weeks time! I just can't hack it. Perhaps cooking doesn't help the situation but I'm getting to the stage where I've got this healthy curiosity about food and I just want to learn, cook, experience things. I want to chuck myself in at the deep end. I want to taste the soy milk ffs.

I've got my results, I don't think I'm fat anymore...I think I'm just carrying on for the sake of it. Hmm, I'm not sure if that's true. I do want to reach my goal but I'm not sure why. I think it's just so I can prove to people I can do it. Is that the right reason to do something? I'm not convinced.

But the thing is, I've come this far and done everything by the book - there's no way I'm going to cheat or stop short. Y'know, I've gone seven months with no food, why throw in the towel with only a few weeks to go?

Urgh, I don't know!

Anyway, my counsellor gave me the route to management book and I've read it pretty much cover to cover. It won't be easy to eat all that tofu but in the spirit of doing things by the book I'll give it my best!

Me and A are going to go to the Brighton Vegan Fayre in March and I have decided that provided I am in route to management at that stage I am going to eat what I like on that day. Shock horror, I know. The thing is, it's the first Vegan event I'll have gone to and every Vegan company under the sun is going to be there. Going there and not trying the food would be like a bride-to-be going to Europe's largest wedding exhibition and staying in the car park. Y'know, it's a one-off thing and it means a lot to me. If I'm still in abstinence though...well, for one thing I'll be majorly fucked off. It's on 21 March, so I BETTER BE FINISHED! What I mean to say is if I'm still in abstinence then tough shit. Stubborness rules out over veganism, I'm afraid.

Anyway, best go now. I'm properly tired. I've been ill for half of this week and then away the other half, so I've hardly run at all. I need an early night tonight and then a good 6am jog tomorrow! I managed a full 5k jog last weekend as well. I was effing amazed. Considering I'm the girl who couldn't even finish the 800m at school.

I am sick to the fucking gills of lighterlife, route to management, veganism...all this stuff. I have borrowed books from the library (Which is shit by the way), bought my own and googled the fricking life out of those words. Yes, I've got recipes galore but no definite word on what I can actually bloody eat. What's the point of knowing how to make a chestnut and lentil pate if I can't effing eat it??

I have found this rough guide: here , which might be alright for omnivores but, alas, not for us awkward meat dodgers.

Sorry, I think I'm winding myself up here. It's basically all I've been doing for the past four days. You know, I have said all along that I want to do route to management and it's the key to this whole process but it's starting to really fuck me off. For some reason it's really mysterious. I know the link I've posted outlines things roughly but I want all the facts laid out for me.

Because I'm being an awkward fucker, I want to plan what I'm going to do next and how I'm going to do it - what skills I need, what food to buy etc - but I feel like I'm being prevented through lack of information.

Part of me secretly even wonders if it is worth me doing route to management. The emphasis is clearly on omnivores and veggies and my diet is going to be drastically different. It seems that RTM tries hard to drum a "fresh fruit and veg" approach into people but most vegan diets are like that from the word go.

...

Okay, luckily, A just phoned me and we spoke for about 45 minutes about what's been bothering me. So we decided RTM was not really designed for vegans. We established that I am keen to do RTM in order to finish LL properly. It seemed sensible, therefore, to follow RTM but be mindful that veganism probably was not a concern of those creating the plan (eg take it with a pinch of salt). A suggested I ask my Counsellor about making substitutions - beans being introduced in Week 3 in place of the 'additional protein' for example would make my life much easier. We thought that the vegan diet contains a smaller scope of food than an omni diet and that is why RTM takes such a long period to introduce foods. We thought it likely that a vegan plan would introduce food groups more quickly and focus on building calorie intake slowly.

I am going to speak to my Counsellor about it tomorrow. I have been putting it off because I feel that she doesn't take me seriously. Enough is enough though and I need her advice. At the end of the day, the worst that can happen is that she tells me a load of shit and I choose not to follow what she says. At best she can put my mind at ease and give me a load of information. Perhaps if I get it off my chest I will feel better.

I just have a bit of a nagging feeling that if I follow RTM my first few months of veganism could end up being a crappy experience...but hey, on the bright side I guess things could only get better?

Okay, bottom line: I don't have all the information on RTM yet, I am doing something unusual, it's not forever, I may have to make sacrifices. End of.

P.S. Fucking snow stopped me from running today!!! GRRRR!