I've just come back from a weekend away in Brighton. Tooled up with my foodpacks of course. More Travelodge, more free decaff coffee!! Managed to rack up a few more places I've made a crafty foodpack in - McDonald's straws do not make good stirring implements I have learnt. M&S cafes are a pretty good place - you get a proper glass and there are forks available.
I've been doing a spot of baking too! So much fun but exceptionally hard when you're abstaining. When you're doing the icky sticky bits and melting chocolate chips (dairy free, of course) it is sooo tempting to lick your fingers. I've managed to refrain so far but it truly does take effort. Then, of course, when the muffins and cookies come out of the oven they smell superb.
I made A some muffins for Valentine's Day, y'see. Vegan, natch. I made him banana and walnut and banana choc-chip and then I iced them and wrote soppy messages on the top. He was very happy with them I think. I made a test batch for my parents (I was super worried I'd fucked them up a treat) and was both relieved and pleased when my mum woofed them down and said they were delicious. I also made a chocolate and banana no-bake pie with a cheesecake base but that was (a) really frickin time consuming and (b) not as asthetically pleasing as the muffins.
So after the sneaky test batch triumph, I attempted the real thing. A loved them and was quite interested in my budding vegan bakery skills, so today we got to work making some vanilla and (dairy free) choc-chip cookies.
A gets a lot of grief, bless him. He was nomming away on the cooled cookies and I was quizzing him on their taste - "Well, are they sweet? Can you taste the vanilla? Are they chewy? Too chewy? Are they not cooked? Are they crunchy as well? How crunchy? Are the chips okay? Do they taste like normal?". He's like "MMmm, well, they're nice. They taste good."...good? Good? I need more than that! More adjectives please! You seem not to realise I cannot taste them! He was even trying the soy milk I bought for the no-bake pie. He said it tasted like full fat milk and even put it on his cornflakes instead of the red stuff my mum buys. What a turn up for the books I thought, I'm all for veganised full fat milk! It's worth pointing out, of course, it has hardly any fat in it.
Abstinence is really wearing thin these days. I'm starting to fit in to a lot of size 12 trousers (I even bought a Monsoon skirt in a size 10 in Brighton - but we all know Monsoon cuts big, right girls?) and I just can't see the point in carrying on any more. Last night I weighed myself as 10st 12lb but on Wednesday at LL (I didn't go to group because I was ill) I was 11st 2 1/2lb. God knows why it's varying so much but it's a big difference and it is discouraging. If I knew for certain it was only a month more, I think I could stick it out but as it stands - weighing 11st 2 1/2lb and only losing 2lb-ish a week - I could be abstaining still in 7 weeks time! I just can't hack it. Perhaps cooking doesn't help the situation but I'm getting to the stage where I've got this healthy curiosity about food and I just want to learn, cook, experience things. I want to chuck myself in at the deep end. I want to taste the soy milk ffs.
I've got my results, I don't think I'm fat anymore...I think I'm just carrying on for the sake of it. Hmm, I'm not sure if that's true. I do want to reach my goal but I'm not sure why. I think it's just so I can prove to people I can do it. Is that the right reason to do something? I'm not convinced.
But the thing is, I've come this far and done everything by the book - there's no way I'm going to cheat or stop short. Y'know, I've gone seven months with no food, why throw in the towel with only a few weeks to go?
Urgh, I don't know!
Anyway, my counsellor gave me the route to management book and I've read it pretty much cover to cover. It won't be easy to eat all that tofu but in the spirit of doing things by the book I'll give it my best!
Me and A are going to go to the Brighton Vegan Fayre in March and I have decided that provided I am in route to management at that stage I am going to eat what I like on that day. Shock horror, I know. The thing is, it's the first Vegan event I'll have gone to and every Vegan company under the sun is going to be there. Going there and not trying the food would be like a bride-to-be going to Europe's largest wedding exhibition and staying in the car park. Y'know, it's a one-off thing and it means a lot to me. If I'm still in abstinence though...well, for one thing I'll be majorly fucked off. It's on 21 March, so I BETTER BE FINISHED! What I mean to say is if I'm still in abstinence then tough shit. Stubborness rules out over veganism, I'm afraid.
Anyway, best go now. I'm properly tired. I've been ill for half of this week and then away the other half, so I've hardly run at all. I need an early night tonight and then a good 6am jog tomorrow! I managed a full 5k jog last weekend as well. I was effing amazed. Considering I'm the girl who couldn't even finish the 800m at school.
