So...haven't been keeping you guys as in the loops as I should have been. A lot has happened since my last update.
I posted those pictures on the Monday and me and A went and looked at a flat on Thursday. We really loved it and were keen to rent it, move in, buy kettles. The usual. My parents were more than happy to lend us the deposit because I'm pretty sure they want rid of me. Anyway, so all of a sudden my finances are being scrutinised and everyone around me is telling me I don't need to do Route to Management and I can't justify spending so much money when I really need to be focusing on saving to move out. I'm bored of eating tofu and lettuce by this point as well, of course.
Part of the just wants to give up the programme and start living normally again but part of me is really worried about eating. Preparing a whole day of food seems like an impossible task with far too much organisation required.
The Friday and Saturday are frought with flat related stresses and arguments. Me and A get our wires crossed and bicker pretty much constantly.
I decide, however, that everyone around me is right. I do need to save and Route to Management is far too expensive. Not to mention long, inconveniently timed and largely irrelevant to me. Unfortunately, being practical won the day here. I want to move out. I have to save. Cognitive behavioural therapy didn't really have a chance. I conclude that while it may be a challenge, I will give it my best shot.
So when I meet A after work on Saturday, we go to a vegan cafe nearby and I have a sweet potato, pumpkin and coconut soup with a little salad. It was nice, I felt normal. Confused, very worried but normal.
We made a plan of what I was going to eat until Tuesday and then went shopping. My jaw dropped at the price of fruit as I discovered, sadly, that I wouldn't be eating strawberries and blackberries for breakfast in the morning. I wouldn't be eating a mountain of dried fruits either. Smartprice apples it is, then.
It's been pretty much the same ever since. I have learnt a lot in the past week: I can generally half a portion I make myself, being bloated makes my stomach stick out, I cannot keep apple sauce in my kitchen without eating half the jar. I gave mushrooms a shot and they weren't too bad. I retried marmite too and whilst I still maintain it looks more like something a plumber would grease his tools with than a food product, it's not as awful as I remember. I don't love it or hate it now, I just find it curious.
My diet is mainly fruit and veg now along with some pulses, grains and tofu. I write down everything I eat along with the time. I have forgetten my book today but next time I write I'll type up a sample, so you can see. I still have to wrestle with picking. Yesterday, for example, I made a big batch of lunches to take to work and I was constantly putting bits of carrot and pepper in my mouth. I keep having to say to myself "You are not a human dustbin. If you have made too much, throw it away. You don't have to eat it.".
The worst thing I can do in the kitchen is pick up a teaspoon. If I pick up a teaspoon, I am automatically in the cupboard looking for something I can nibble: soy yoghurt, swiss bouillon, peanut butter, apple sauce, marmite. I don't even know why I do it. Just put the bloody spoon in the dishwasher, put the apple sauce down and close the cupboard door! Is it that hard? Why continue to put the spoon in the jar and then in your mouth???? WWWWWHHHYYY???
I also think about food pretty much constantly despite not really getting hungry that much. I'm always looking at the clock assessing when I last ate and when I can eat again. Yesterday I actually set myself a challenge of not eating for two hours. That's how bad it is. I mean, of course, I was only picking on strawberries and grapes but how am I ever going to get hungry enough to eat a proper meal if I just pick on stuff all the time?
So yeah, obviously not "cured" by Lighterlife. I don't know. I still feel like I'm out of control, I'm battling my demons and I'm hideously worried that I will get fat - which is why getting bloated horrified me because it gave me a big, bulging belly and my glorious size ten jeans felt tight.
I am exercising more - not excessively but...frequently. Just running most mornings now instead of half. I do 90 cruches (that's 60 normal crunches and 30 reverse crunches) in the morning and evening. I'm dying to get a flat stomach but A almost delights in telling me that I'll never get one without losing the layer of fat above my muscles. Er, gee, thanks...so basically what you're saying is I should have stayed on Lighterlife?? A says I should just eat right and work out, which triggers a plethora of questions - do I eat right? Should I eat less? Do I snack too much? Do I exercise enough? Do I do the right exercises? It's okay for him, he already has stupid muscles and a stupid flat stomach.
Anyway, just to give you a taste...here's my morning so far:
6.20
Run 2.5k
40 crunches
30 reverse cruches
20 crunches
20 seconds - plank
8.20
Cup of soymilk
Porridge with dried figs and apricots
