My experiences with the Lighter Life programme

For once in my life I have absolutely nothing to do (except studying, perhaps) and my laptop is on, so it feels like otherworldly forces are telling me I need to blog.

As you guys know, I was eating normally for about a month. At first I was fairly mindful of what I ate. I felt fairly confident about my ability to manage things. As time went on though I began to feel more and more out of control. I didn't know whether my portions were suitable, I'd pick constantly and there were one or two mad moments (which became more frequent!). I was in fairly loose contact with one of the ladies from my group and hadn't spoken to my counsellor since I told her I was leaving. I had toyed with the idea of going back but didn't fancy it at all.

There were, obviously, the spoon moments documented below, which don't seem too bad but in the past fornight things just got ridiculous. I could go a whole day eating pretty well (us vegans are a defautly healthy group what with our fruit and veg consumption) but then as soon as I'd get home I'd loiter in the kitchen as if waiting for my subconscious to raid the cupboards. Without any thought whatsoever pieces of any food I was preparing for my breakfast and lunch the next day would be eaten. Grapes, banana, apple, strawberries, yoghurt, broccoli, carrots, seeds, lettuce, soup...it may not sound particularly bad but it was just moronic and greedy. The way I eat disgusts me too. It's not one carrot stick thoughtlessly munched, it's a handful...not one grape, enough to make my mouth feel stuffed. I think I must derive pleasure from mili-seconds of gluttonous overconsumption. There were no prolonged binges. It'd be everything I made though - if I was making porridge I'd have to swig some soymilk from the carton and taste the oats (and have a handful of the cereal on the side while it cooked), if I was making a salad I'd have to taste the dressing from the bottle and eat some of the seeds that formed the topping...and Sunday afternoons, don't get me started! I'd make a big soup, pasta salad and something else (couscous or stir-fry etc) to take to work throughout the week. I'd probably eat two meals worth in "testing" the food. "Is the pasta done yet?", "does it need more stock?", "what's that like?", "oh that's good, one more spoonful...". I'd feel uncomfortably full by the time I was putting little tupperware boxes in the fridge and I'd ring A and say "I've just eaten loads, can we go on a mega long walk please?".

So I'd get in, make my lunch (with a large amount of picking) and then think "I'll just have a snack to take me through to dinner", completely oblivious to the fact I've just eaten a snack-sized amount of fruit and veg. Cue more boundary-pushing with portion sizes: using too much spread, eating while I'm making it etc). Later I'd have dinner (or sometimes a flash of clarity would hit me and I'd just have some muesli) and then that's when my inner three year old would demand chocolate, ice cream or peanut butter.

I'd try and ignore it, then I'd acknowledge it, start talking to it, negotiating with it:

"I have an easter egg on top of the cupboard."
"Don't be stupid, it's 10 o' clock at night. Don't eat chocolate, just go to bed."
"It'd be nice to just have a bit. It's gone easter anyway. A mouthful is neither here nor there."
"Come on, this is ridiculous, you're not even hungry."
"Yeah but I just want a bit of chocolate. Come on, it's been a hard day, just have a little treat."
"I know what this is, I know I'm not hungry, I know there is something else I want other than food."
"Well, if you're not gonna have chocolate then at least have SOMETHING. What about a bit of ice cream or some peanut butter. Hey, what about ice cream with peanut butter."

Then it'd be milling about the kitchen, open this cupboard, look at that - peanut butter...and some how, before I know it I've got a bowl of ice cream covered in peanut butter, chocolate and maple syrup on the side and I'm sat on the floor with a handful of dried apricots from a packet that I had to tear open with my teeth. All occuring in a split second and leaving me thinking "Okay, now this is just mad" but then continuing to eat the bowl of ice cream. Not a daily occurance but it did happen. After easter was when it got really bad.

I started to get sudden, gripping moments of panic and desperation in which I'd immediately become obsessed about whether I was putting on weight. I'd be walking to the kitchen when I'd notice my legs were touching when I walked and it'd unnerve and consume me for the rest of the day. The feelings of dread and self-loathing were unbearable.

I was still running and the nauseatingly desperate and worried feelings of being fatter and my occasional Mr Hyde moments of madness led me to up my daily runs from 2.5K to 5K - in addition to the morning and evening routine of squats, crunches etc. My thighs were feeling like jelly the whole time.

Everything came to a head on Thursday of last week when I experienced a fantastically fast plumet into anxiety, wild hopelessness and self-hatred initially caused by thinking my legs were getting fatter. I was at work but I was engrossed in my racing thoughts of dispair. It was as if me, my computer and my desk were in a glass bubble and the people rushing around me just blobs of colour with far-off voices. I wrestled with what to do. I felt helpless and alone. I was scared and confused by my verging on schizophrenic binge moments. I can't do this by myself, I thought.

Then I remembered that my counsellor had sent me a little e-mail a few days before saying she'd spoken to the lady I occasionally texted and that if I needed any help, to speak to her. I sat at my desk, opened an e-mail and just poured my heart out. People passed by, I could hear the photocopier but I continued to type inside my bubble. It was hard to admit that I felt out of control and hopeless and that I had those desperate moments but at the same time I felt great relief when I pressed the send button. I felt like I'd taken a step to getting out.

I suggested to my counsellor that I perhaps abstain for a short period in order to (a) give some finality to "The Real World" eating period and (b) lose a little weight to stop my sudden, stabbing feelings of paranoia. Then I could do Route to Management PROPERLY. She replied later saying that she was pleased that I was coming back and that by e-mailing I'd made a change in my behaviour (even if I didn't notice it). She suggested I stop by on Saturday so that we could talk. She said the lady I sometimes spoke to (let's give her a name, eh? Let's call her B.) might be there too.

I had another Mr Hyde ice cream episode that night (DESPITE the loathing, the panic, the desperation of the day) triggered by making my lunch for the next day and then decided "Fuck it, if I'm seeing my counsellor on Saturday, I'm obviously gonna start developers again. So it would make sense to start with foodpacks tomorrow so that I've "climbed the wall" by work on Monday.". So that's what I did. The last thing I ate was a bowl of thoughtless, deep-set emotion ladened, binge.

I felt better about everything by Friday evening. Not stressing about food made a world of difference to me. The foodpacks tasted very strange the second time around.

I saw my counsellor and B on Saturday and I left feeling bouyant and reassured. They were so pleased that I was back. It was fantastic to have them both there for me offering advice and support. The world of lighterlife opened up and gave me a hug. I remembered a key concept: CHOICE. At no time during my argument with my three year old self about chocolate did I say: YOU CAN HAVE IT IF YOU WANT IT. It was all "Don't have chocolate. Don't be stupid. You can't have it.". It was all guilt and worry and rebellion and punishment. If someone had stood there behind me and said "Why not? You can have it if you want it" - BINGO - back to reality, realise how childish you are being, you need to CHOOSE what to do. You can have the chocolate at 10pm at night but you need to realise that it will make you feel bad and is of no real benefit at all and based on that information you need to make a decision. Split second of reality and the frenzy'd be over.

So here I am on Monday at nearly 1pm feeling hungry and on to my third bottle of water. It doesn't feel too bad. I know people say it's harder the second time around but I was never a lapser the first time, so it's bearable. A couple of things have been irksome - going in to town yesterday and realising I couldn't have my weekly soymilk hot chocolate (a thing I love dearly) and watching A eat a piece of cake in Starbucks the day before. I think my problem is that I'm comparing abstinence now with how I was in March, when I Was a seasoned pro of 8 months. What I should be comparing is abstinence now with July of last year, when I was used to eating and missing food.

There are going to be problems to come - I won't be able to have a soymilk hot chocolate for over four months. I have exams in June and will be in the middle of Route to Management.

I'm not going to obsess over it though. Worrying isn't productive.

Route to Management is non-negotiable. I'll just have to battle through it.

I did exams while I wasn't eating ffs, how is food gonna be a problem?

Anyway, there you go. That's where I am and how I got there. So for those of you who were disappointed I didn't do Route to Management, you're in luck. I'm going to abstain for a while (probably a month) but go to Route to Management classes. I think I'll find them more helpful that Developers because people in Developers are mainly focusing on abstaining. Route to Management classes should help with the idea of bring food back, what to have, how to develop strategies to avoid all the crappy and retarded things I do.

I started twittering, by bizarre coincidence, as this all kicked off. So if you want a blow by blow account of the ice cream, the panic, the e-mail, the foodpacks, go to http://www.twitter.com/katie256. I had problems with my phone though and so this morning had to start with a new account: http://www.twitter.com/LLGirlBlog. The Katie256 one won't be updated but the LLGirlBlog one will.

So today for me is Day 248 Week 38.

Let's have a look at my old weights, eh?

Week 1 - 18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2 - 5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3 - 3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4 - 3lb (18st)
Week 5 - 3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6 - 5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7 - 4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8 - 5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9 - 3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10 - 4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11 - 3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12 - 5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13 - 4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14 - 2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15 - 5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16 - 2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17 - 2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18 - 4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19 - 3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20 - 4lb (13st 12lb)
Week 21 - 4lb (13st 8lb)
Week 22 - 2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23 - 4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!
Week 31 - 6lb (11st 7lb)
Week 32 - 2lb (11st 5lb)
Week 33 - 2 1/2lb (11st 2 1/2lb)
Week 34 - 5 1/2lb (10st 11lb)
Week 35 - BIG FAT ZERO!! (10st 11lb)
Week 36 - Unknown
Week 37 RTM1 - 10st 5 1/2lb
Week 38 - 10st 5lb (On Friday, my first day abstaining)

I had a really bad time of things last night. I had eaten (fairly healthily I thought) two rice cakes with pate and salsa after a half hour bike ride because I was genuinely hungry (that bike is a complete beast) while watching the Apprentice with my dad. I wanted something sweet and so had half a cup of nuts and dried mixed fruit afterwards. I didn't think that was terrible - at least it was a measured quantity and not a spate of mindless fistfuls being shovelled in to my mouth. I need to get my essential fatty acids somehow and dried fruit is still fruit!

Anyway, after watching the Apprentice I washed up the tupperware in my lunchbag and started making my lunch. Cue completely thoughtless picking: "one gherkin for my lunch, one gherkin in my mouth" etc.

Me and A are going out for a meal tonight (now really badly timed but more about that later) so after making my lunch last night I went upstairs to try on my dress and shoes again, pick my jewellery and repaint my nails. All is fine and dandy. Dress looks okay, shoes are super cute (from Office), bag matches nicely and think I picked the right earrings. I would go in to more details but I want what I wear to be a surprise and after accidentally letting A see a glimpse of the dress already, I don't want (and I know the chances of this happening are ridiculously miniscule) him to stumble across the blog and find a 500 word dissection of my outfit. I also start sorting out my bag for staying round A's. I tried on a top I bought at the Brighton Vegan Fayre (22 March) because I couldn't decide what to wear on Saturday and I noticed it clinging around my belly. I thought "I'm sure this fitted when I bought it" and then I thought "I can't have gotten that big in two weeks, you must be imagining it".

Anyhoooo...I take off my nail varnish and think "Oh shit, it's 9 o' clock and I haven't had a proper meal yet tonight. I'll just have some muesli." So I had half a cup with some soymilk, it was good and I liked it. Ten minutes or so later I step on the scales out of idle curiosity and they say: 10st 11lb 28% fat. WTF??? I was, like, 10st 3lb 26.1% fat on Tuesday morning!!!

Cue massive, massive freak out and instant nauseous feeling of the muesli swilling around my belly. A feeling of utter dread, shame and disgust flooded over me and I began to relentlessly berate myself for picking at food, eating portions that were too big and generally being greedy. I sat on the end of my bed for what felt like forever without moving while my mind repeated "I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy. I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy. I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy.". I must have sent A a text saying those exact words because he sent me a airy-fairy reply about how I was great or something. So I continued to sit there and think "Why do you not realise that what you eat is DIRECTLY LINKED to what you weigh? If you eat twenty bars of chocolate every day you will get fat. If I pour half a cup of cereal in to a bowl but then take to handfuls out of the packet and eat them before I eat the bowl of cereal, that's not eating a half a cupful of cereal. That's eating half a cupful of cereal AND TWO HANDFULS! Just because it's not measured doesn't make it not exist. STOP PICKING AT FOOD. STOP EATING YOGHURT OUT OF THE TUB." I then made the following decisions:

1. Stop buying the big pots of plain soy yoghurt. Instead buy the pre-packed small pots. This will mean I eat one pot a day and don't have to spoon out the plain yoghurt in to a tupperware tub. Subsequently I will not eat spoonfuls of yoghurt. NO MORE PICKING.

2. Stop eating mixed dried fruit. This one might be hard. I'm going to stop putting mixed dried fruit on my porridge and therefore stop buying it. I can cut up and apple or something if I'm really that desperate to eat something on my porridge. This will stop picking.

3. Be strict with portion sizes. Half a cup means half a cup! Half a cup and a handful gets written down as half a cup and a handful.

4. Don't eat when you're not hungry. Easier said than done but basically, don't make big portions and then eat them all because "that's how much half a cupful is/you allowed yourself". Similarly, at the restaurant tonight I must be mindful of how much I eat. Restaurants always make big portions.

5. Take the boiled sweets out of my car. They are pointless. They are full of sugar. They are temptation at a time when I am susceptable to boredom.

So yeah, gotta go now because it's work time but basically A called me and I got really upset and started crying about the whole situation and he said I wasn't getting fatter, I was getting thinner, I don't eat too much, I exercise loads, I shouldn't eat less, etc. He thinks he sees the change in my body more than I do because he sees me every few days and where I walk around in my body all the tiem I don't notice it.

But the top felt tight, the scales said I was heavier, I feel greed as fuck.

This morning I was running and I was so knackered but I kept saying "This is good. This will make you more toned. This is the opposite of picking and greed and unhappiness. This is the antidote to feeling sick to your stomach with hatred and shame. This is something you can feel positive about. This is progress and change. This is what you must do. No excuses, just keep going. No excuses, just keep going. No excuses, just keep going."

I need to get it in to my head that eating shit, picking, nibbling, 'having something nice'...all that bollocks no matter where it is or what I'm doing or who I'm with...whatever goes in to my mouth with contribute to how I look and what I weigh. Exercise - squats, running, boxecise, riding my bike, walking, running up the stairs, all those things - will contribute POSITIVELY. It's actively making myself better.

Anyway, reeeally need to go now!

Sorry for the mentalness.

Wednesday 1 April

No run - boxecise later!

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with dried fruit

10.40
CD case sized tub of grapes and baby plum tomatos

12.15
Pasta salad with side salad of mixed lettuce

14.15
Cup and a half of cucumber sticks with salsa
Apple

16.00
Cup of nachos
2 handfuls of Fruit n Fibre

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt

18.00 - 19.00
Boxecise
Including holding the plank for ONE MINUTE!!! Insanity!

19.30
Banana

20.30
4 pickled gherkins
2 teaspoonfuls of soy yoghurt
(This is picking, this is eating when I'm not hungry, this is really unhelpful behaviour)

21.00
Cup and a half of "casserole vegetables" - carrot, potato, leek, onion
Half block of tofu
Half cup of onion gravy

No evening workout (already done it at boxecise!)

Thursday 2 April

No run - rest day.

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with half a banana

10.50
Half cup of grapes
3 strawberries

12.10
Homemade vegetable soup
Wholewheat pitta
Side salad of mixed lettuce

14.50
5 mini gherkins with broccoli florets and houmous
2 rice cakes
(Quite a lot? Was it necessary to eat the rice cakes too?)

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with banana and apple slices
One square of Divine 70% dark chocolate

17.30
Four boiled sweets
(Take the fucking sweets out of the car for God's sake)

18.00
Half hour bike ride

18.45
2 rice cakes with vegetable pate and salsa
Half cup of nuts and dried fruit

20.30
3 gherkins
1 strawberry
5 teaspoonfuls of yoghurt
(Picking while making my lunch for the next day. Once again, UNHELPFUL!)

21.10
Half cup of muesli with soymilk

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

So here's the past week or so:

Thursday 26 March

No run

40 crunches
30 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.20
porridge with dried mixed fruit

10.30
half can of peach slices

11.30
felt v hungry

12.15
Sainsburys mini carrot and houmous pack (105 calories)
Wholewheat pasta with pepper, carrot, textured vegetable protein and onion

14.40
apple

15.40
Tub of broccoli florets

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with grapes
1 square of Divine 70% dark chocolate

19.00

Handful of mixed dried fruit

19.40
Tofu, pepper, carrot and onion in 2 wraps
With refried beans, tortillas, salsa and guacamole

23.10
2 teaspoons of peanut butter
Handful of mixed dried fruit
Hot chocolate
(WHY DO I DO THIS??)

40 crunches
30 reverse curls
20 crunches

Friday 27 March

2.5K Run - 30 seconds at slow pace, 30 seconds are fast pace

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with dried fruit
Half cup of soymilk

9.30
Hot cup of soymilk

11.00
1 cup of grapes

12.00
2.7K Walk

13.00
Hot chocolate
Homemade vegetable soup
Wholewheat pitta
Side salad of carrot, beetroot and lettuce
14g pack of raisins

15.30
Apple

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries
Nectarine
Orange

Fell asleep at 19.00, so didn't eat or exercise

Saturday 28 March

5K Run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

9.00
Half cup of porridge with 1 banana and 1 apple

11.30
Banana

12.30
Hot chocolate

13.00
One wholewheat pitta and one wrap filled with mixed beans, broccoli, cherry tomatos and couscous

15.40
3 boiled sweets

16.45
Half cup of yoghurt and two handfuls of mixed fried fruit
Half cup of grapes

Picking while cooking:
Textured vegetable protein, carrot, couscous, pasta

18.00
Handful of tropical fruit and nut mix
Handful of tortilla chips
Teaspoon of guacamole

20.45
Half cup of Fruit n Fibre
Pear

21.00
3 handfuls of tropical fruit and nut mix
2 handfuls of dried fruit
(WHY?!? I drive myself mad when I do this)

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

Sunday 29 March

No run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

7.00
Banana

10.00
3 rice cakes
half cup of tropical fruit and nut mix

12.30
Bowl of pasta salad
80g baby corn with guacamole
2 boiled sweets

14.00
100g sugarsnap peas with guacamole

15.30
Half cup of plain soy yoghurt
One strawberry bar
Handful of dried apricots
Handful of tortilla chips
(Bit much I think?)

16.30
Hot chocolate
12.5g of dark chocolate covered coffee beans

Moderate length walk

18.30
Handful of muesli

20.00
Two peppers stuffed with couscous
Lettuce, carrot and beetroot side salad

20.40
12g packet of dried pineapple
Scant handful of muesli
(Once again, WHY???)

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

Monday 30 March

2.5K Run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.15
Quaker porridge with dried fruit

10.45
One cup of grapes

12.00
Pasta salad with side salad of carrot, beetroot and lettuce

14.10
12.5g dark chocolate covered coffee beans

15.15
Small tub of broccoli florets

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries
One banana

18.25
3 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt
6 baby plum tomotos
2 rice cakes topped with houmous, carrot and onion

20.30
Half cup of muesli
Half cup of yoghurt

21.00
2 handfuls of dried fruit

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Tuesday 31 March
WEEK 3 WEIGH IN: 10st 3lb 26.1% fat

2.5K Run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.10
1/3 cup porridge with dried mixed fruit

10.30
One cup of grapes

12.15
Homemade vegetable soup
Wholewheat pitta
Side salad of mixed lettuce, carrot and onion

14.30
Tub of broccoli florets with small pot of guacamole
2 handfuls of Fruit n Fibre

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries

6.40
One apple
One banana

20.45
Half cup of muesli with soymilk
2 rice cakes topped with houmous

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

MUST STOP MINDLESSLY SNACKING ON "HANDFULS" OF THE FOLLOWING:
Dried fruit
Cereal
Tortillas

I don't mind sitting down and eating a measured portion of something if I am hungry (i.e. cup of grapes or even cup of tortilla chips) but just standing in the kitchen pouring mixed dried fruit in to my hand then stuffing it in my mouth is just NOT HELPFUL. Sometimes I catch myself just milling about in the kitchen as if I'm waiting for myself to open the cupboard and see what is readily available to eat.

It's thinks that are already opened. I never take out a little packet of raisins or a packet of pineapple slices (I did once this week because I was totally craving something sweet but I decided to do that rather than doing it without thinking), it's always spoonful of open yoghurt, handful of open fruit, handful of open cereal.

I constantly think I eat too much. I'm bad too, I think I measure out portions too big without thinking. I think I pour cereal a little bit past the 'half cup' mark or ladel out excessively heaped spoonfuls of soup for my lunch. (Is it worrying that I can describe a spoonful of my soup as 'heaped'? They are rather chunky...stew-like if you will.)

I seriously need some guidance. I totally need help about portion sizes, what to eat, how often, how much exercise to do...

I know that over time I will see that I either:

a) Eat too much and subsequently get fat
b) Eat the right amount and stay the same but am healthy because of exercise
c) Eat a little bit less than my body requires, which creates a calorie deficit resulting in body fat being burnt leaving me totally toned and hot looking because of exercise
d) Eat far too little and end up really boney or ill or something because of exercise

I'm aiming for (c), natch. I just have NO CLUE if I'm doing it right. This vegan fitness lark is hard.

So anyways, I bought a bike last night. It's a dutch bike with a step-through frame so I can ride it wearing pretty skirts and a bonnet with a kitten in the basket (or something like that). It looks like this http://www.biria.com/images/cd_ladies_black.jpg except my handlebars and saddle are brown. It's massive and abit scary but I can't wait to ride it through the forest on a sunny day. My dad's friend is picking it up today but I have boxecise tonight and then have to go food shopping (sigh, expense, time, effort...bring back foodpacks!) so I don't think I'll get to ride it tonight. I need to buy some locks and lights and stuff I think.

Speaking of safety equipment - these bloody clocks changing, what a pain in the arse!! It just got nice and light when I run in the morning and wasn't TOO cold and then hey presto, the clocks go forward and I'm back to running the cold and dark again. My daddy brought home a high-visibility vest from his work for me because I run on roads (the surface is more even) and wear a black jacket. The vest is huge and emblazoned with his company name, so I feel like a right 'tard in it but at least I'm safe(ish)! Actually, if I'm honest, I feel like one of the "we're hardcore runners/cyclists who exercise stupidly early in the morning" crew now because they all wear this shit all the time.

Anyway, best be off. Workie workie time.

Oh, before I go - how much do I love porridge? Breakfast is seriously my favourite meal of the day. When I get home I always want porridge or cereal for my dinner instead of proper food. Why is that? I'm addicted to oats! I feel bad though because I think I should eat something with more protein in. Why do I crave porridge so much?

Anyway, off I go! See you soon!

Boxecise tonight! Whoop!