I had a really bad time of things last night. I had eaten (fairly healthily I thought) two rice cakes with pate and salsa after a half hour bike ride because I was genuinely hungry (that bike is a complete beast) while watching the Apprentice with my dad. I wanted something sweet and so had half a cup of nuts and dried mixed fruit afterwards. I didn't think that was terrible - at least it was a measured quantity and not a spate of mindless fistfuls being shovelled in to my mouth. I need to get my essential fatty acids somehow and dried fruit is still fruit!

Anyway, after watching the Apprentice I washed up the tupperware in my lunchbag and started making my lunch. Cue completely thoughtless picking: "one gherkin for my lunch, one gherkin in my mouth" etc.

Me and A are going out for a meal tonight (now really badly timed but more about that later) so after making my lunch last night I went upstairs to try on my dress and shoes again, pick my jewellery and repaint my nails. All is fine and dandy. Dress looks okay, shoes are super cute (from Office), bag matches nicely and think I picked the right earrings. I would go in to more details but I want what I wear to be a surprise and after accidentally letting A see a glimpse of the dress already, I don't want (and I know the chances of this happening are ridiculously miniscule) him to stumble across the blog and find a 500 word dissection of my outfit. I also start sorting out my bag for staying round A's. I tried on a top I bought at the Brighton Vegan Fayre (22 March) because I couldn't decide what to wear on Saturday and I noticed it clinging around my belly. I thought "I'm sure this fitted when I bought it" and then I thought "I can't have gotten that big in two weeks, you must be imagining it".

Anyhoooo...I take off my nail varnish and think "Oh shit, it's 9 o' clock and I haven't had a proper meal yet tonight. I'll just have some muesli." So I had half a cup with some soymilk, it was good and I liked it. Ten minutes or so later I step on the scales out of idle curiosity and they say: 10st 11lb 28% fat. WTF??? I was, like, 10st 3lb 26.1% fat on Tuesday morning!!!

Cue massive, massive freak out and instant nauseous feeling of the muesli swilling around my belly. A feeling of utter dread, shame and disgust flooded over me and I began to relentlessly berate myself for picking at food, eating portions that were too big and generally being greedy. I sat on the end of my bed for what felt like forever without moving while my mind repeated "I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy. I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy. I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy.". I must have sent A a text saying those exact words because he sent me a airy-fairy reply about how I was great or something. So I continued to sit there and think "Why do you not realise that what you eat is DIRECTLY LINKED to what you weigh? If you eat twenty bars of chocolate every day you will get fat. If I pour half a cup of cereal in to a bowl but then take to handfuls out of the packet and eat them before I eat the bowl of cereal, that's not eating a half a cupful of cereal. That's eating half a cupful of cereal AND TWO HANDFULS! Just because it's not measured doesn't make it not exist. STOP PICKING AT FOOD. STOP EATING YOGHURT OUT OF THE TUB." I then made the following decisions:

1. Stop buying the big pots of plain soy yoghurt. Instead buy the pre-packed small pots. This will mean I eat one pot a day and don't have to spoon out the plain yoghurt in to a tupperware tub. Subsequently I will not eat spoonfuls of yoghurt. NO MORE PICKING.

2. Stop eating mixed dried fruit. This one might be hard. I'm going to stop putting mixed dried fruit on my porridge and therefore stop buying it. I can cut up and apple or something if I'm really that desperate to eat something on my porridge. This will stop picking.

3. Be strict with portion sizes. Half a cup means half a cup! Half a cup and a handful gets written down as half a cup and a handful.

4. Don't eat when you're not hungry. Easier said than done but basically, don't make big portions and then eat them all because "that's how much half a cupful is/you allowed yourself". Similarly, at the restaurant tonight I must be mindful of how much I eat. Restaurants always make big portions.

5. Take the boiled sweets out of my car. They are pointless. They are full of sugar. They are temptation at a time when I am susceptable to boredom.

So yeah, gotta go now because it's work time but basically A called me and I got really upset and started crying about the whole situation and he said I wasn't getting fatter, I was getting thinner, I don't eat too much, I exercise loads, I shouldn't eat less, etc. He thinks he sees the change in my body more than I do because he sees me every few days and where I walk around in my body all the tiem I don't notice it.

But the top felt tight, the scales said I was heavier, I feel greed as fuck.

This morning I was running and I was so knackered but I kept saying "This is good. This will make you more toned. This is the opposite of picking and greed and unhappiness. This is the antidote to feeling sick to your stomach with hatred and shame. This is something you can feel positive about. This is progress and change. This is what you must do. No excuses, just keep going. No excuses, just keep going. No excuses, just keep going."

I need to get it in to my head that eating shit, picking, nibbling, 'having something nice'...all that bollocks no matter where it is or what I'm doing or who I'm with...whatever goes in to my mouth with contribute to how I look and what I weigh. Exercise - squats, running, boxecise, riding my bike, walking, running up the stairs, all those things - will contribute POSITIVELY. It's actively making myself better.

Anyway, reeeally need to go now!

Sorry for the mentalness.

Wednesday 1 April

No run - boxecise later!

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with dried fruit

10.40
CD case sized tub of grapes and baby plum tomatos

12.15
Pasta salad with side salad of mixed lettuce

14.15
Cup and a half of cucumber sticks with salsa
Apple

16.00
Cup of nachos
2 handfuls of Fruit n Fibre

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt

18.00 - 19.00
Boxecise
Including holding the plank for ONE MINUTE!!! Insanity!

19.30
Banana

20.30
4 pickled gherkins
2 teaspoonfuls of soy yoghurt
(This is picking, this is eating when I'm not hungry, this is really unhelpful behaviour)

21.00
Cup and a half of "casserole vegetables" - carrot, potato, leek, onion
Half block of tofu
Half cup of onion gravy

No evening workout (already done it at boxecise!)

Thursday 2 April

No run - rest day.

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with half a banana

10.50
Half cup of grapes
3 strawberries

12.10
Homemade vegetable soup
Wholewheat pitta
Side salad of mixed lettuce

14.50
5 mini gherkins with broccoli florets and houmous
2 rice cakes
(Quite a lot? Was it necessary to eat the rice cakes too?)

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with banana and apple slices
One square of Divine 70% dark chocolate

17.30
Four boiled sweets
(Take the fucking sweets out of the car for God's sake)

18.00
Half hour bike ride

18.45
2 rice cakes with vegetable pate and salsa
Half cup of nuts and dried fruit

20.30
3 gherkins
1 strawberry
5 teaspoonfuls of yoghurt
(Picking while making my lunch for the next day. Once again, UNHELPFUL!)

21.10
Half cup of muesli with soymilk

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches