For once in my life I have absolutely nothing to do (except studying, perhaps) and my laptop is on, so it feels like otherworldly forces are telling me I need to blog.

As you guys know, I was eating normally for about a month. At first I was fairly mindful of what I ate. I felt fairly confident about my ability to manage things. As time went on though I began to feel more and more out of control. I didn't know whether my portions were suitable, I'd pick constantly and there were one or two mad moments (which became more frequent!). I was in fairly loose contact with one of the ladies from my group and hadn't spoken to my counsellor since I told her I was leaving. I had toyed with the idea of going back but didn't fancy it at all.

There were, obviously, the spoon moments documented below, which don't seem too bad but in the past fornight things just got ridiculous. I could go a whole day eating pretty well (us vegans are a defautly healthy group what with our fruit and veg consumption) but then as soon as I'd get home I'd loiter in the kitchen as if waiting for my subconscious to raid the cupboards. Without any thought whatsoever pieces of any food I was preparing for my breakfast and lunch the next day would be eaten. Grapes, banana, apple, strawberries, yoghurt, broccoli, carrots, seeds, lettuce, soup...it may not sound particularly bad but it was just moronic and greedy. The way I eat disgusts me too. It's not one carrot stick thoughtlessly munched, it's a handful...not one grape, enough to make my mouth feel stuffed. I think I must derive pleasure from mili-seconds of gluttonous overconsumption. There were no prolonged binges. It'd be everything I made though - if I was making porridge I'd have to swig some soymilk from the carton and taste the oats (and have a handful of the cereal on the side while it cooked), if I was making a salad I'd have to taste the dressing from the bottle and eat some of the seeds that formed the topping...and Sunday afternoons, don't get me started! I'd make a big soup, pasta salad and something else (couscous or stir-fry etc) to take to work throughout the week. I'd probably eat two meals worth in "testing" the food. "Is the pasta done yet?", "does it need more stock?", "what's that like?", "oh that's good, one more spoonful...". I'd feel uncomfortably full by the time I was putting little tupperware boxes in the fridge and I'd ring A and say "I've just eaten loads, can we go on a mega long walk please?".

So I'd get in, make my lunch (with a large amount of picking) and then think "I'll just have a snack to take me through to dinner", completely oblivious to the fact I've just eaten a snack-sized amount of fruit and veg. Cue more boundary-pushing with portion sizes: using too much spread, eating while I'm making it etc). Later I'd have dinner (or sometimes a flash of clarity would hit me and I'd just have some muesli) and then that's when my inner three year old would demand chocolate, ice cream or peanut butter.

I'd try and ignore it, then I'd acknowledge it, start talking to it, negotiating with it:

"I have an easter egg on top of the cupboard."
"Don't be stupid, it's 10 o' clock at night. Don't eat chocolate, just go to bed."
"It'd be nice to just have a bit. It's gone easter anyway. A mouthful is neither here nor there."
"Come on, this is ridiculous, you're not even hungry."
"Yeah but I just want a bit of chocolate. Come on, it's been a hard day, just have a little treat."
"I know what this is, I know I'm not hungry, I know there is something else I want other than food."
"Well, if you're not gonna have chocolate then at least have SOMETHING. What about a bit of ice cream or some peanut butter. Hey, what about ice cream with peanut butter."

Then it'd be milling about the kitchen, open this cupboard, look at that - peanut butter...and some how, before I know it I've got a bowl of ice cream covered in peanut butter, chocolate and maple syrup on the side and I'm sat on the floor with a handful of dried apricots from a packet that I had to tear open with my teeth. All occuring in a split second and leaving me thinking "Okay, now this is just mad" but then continuing to eat the bowl of ice cream. Not a daily occurance but it did happen. After easter was when it got really bad.

I started to get sudden, gripping moments of panic and desperation in which I'd immediately become obsessed about whether I was putting on weight. I'd be walking to the kitchen when I'd notice my legs were touching when I walked and it'd unnerve and consume me for the rest of the day. The feelings of dread and self-loathing were unbearable.

I was still running and the nauseatingly desperate and worried feelings of being fatter and my occasional Mr Hyde moments of madness led me to up my daily runs from 2.5K to 5K - in addition to the morning and evening routine of squats, crunches etc. My thighs were feeling like jelly the whole time.

Everything came to a head on Thursday of last week when I experienced a fantastically fast plumet into anxiety, wild hopelessness and self-hatred initially caused by thinking my legs were getting fatter. I was at work but I was engrossed in my racing thoughts of dispair. It was as if me, my computer and my desk were in a glass bubble and the people rushing around me just blobs of colour with far-off voices. I wrestled with what to do. I felt helpless and alone. I was scared and confused by my verging on schizophrenic binge moments. I can't do this by myself, I thought.

Then I remembered that my counsellor had sent me a little e-mail a few days before saying she'd spoken to the lady I occasionally texted and that if I needed any help, to speak to her. I sat at my desk, opened an e-mail and just poured my heart out. People passed by, I could hear the photocopier but I continued to type inside my bubble. It was hard to admit that I felt out of control and hopeless and that I had those desperate moments but at the same time I felt great relief when I pressed the send button. I felt like I'd taken a step to getting out.

I suggested to my counsellor that I perhaps abstain for a short period in order to (a) give some finality to "The Real World" eating period and (b) lose a little weight to stop my sudden, stabbing feelings of paranoia. Then I could do Route to Management PROPERLY. She replied later saying that she was pleased that I was coming back and that by e-mailing I'd made a change in my behaviour (even if I didn't notice it). She suggested I stop by on Saturday so that we could talk. She said the lady I sometimes spoke to (let's give her a name, eh? Let's call her B.) might be there too.

I had another Mr Hyde ice cream episode that night (DESPITE the loathing, the panic, the desperation of the day) triggered by making my lunch for the next day and then decided "Fuck it, if I'm seeing my counsellor on Saturday, I'm obviously gonna start developers again. So it would make sense to start with foodpacks tomorrow so that I've "climbed the wall" by work on Monday.". So that's what I did. The last thing I ate was a bowl of thoughtless, deep-set emotion ladened, binge.

I felt better about everything by Friday evening. Not stressing about food made a world of difference to me. The foodpacks tasted very strange the second time around.

I saw my counsellor and B on Saturday and I left feeling bouyant and reassured. They were so pleased that I was back. It was fantastic to have them both there for me offering advice and support. The world of lighterlife opened up and gave me a hug. I remembered a key concept: CHOICE. At no time during my argument with my three year old self about chocolate did I say: YOU CAN HAVE IT IF YOU WANT IT. It was all "Don't have chocolate. Don't be stupid. You can't have it.". It was all guilt and worry and rebellion and punishment. If someone had stood there behind me and said "Why not? You can have it if you want it" - BINGO - back to reality, realise how childish you are being, you need to CHOOSE what to do. You can have the chocolate at 10pm at night but you need to realise that it will make you feel bad and is of no real benefit at all and based on that information you need to make a decision. Split second of reality and the frenzy'd be over.

So here I am on Monday at nearly 1pm feeling hungry and on to my third bottle of water. It doesn't feel too bad. I know people say it's harder the second time around but I was never a lapser the first time, so it's bearable. A couple of things have been irksome - going in to town yesterday and realising I couldn't have my weekly soymilk hot chocolate (a thing I love dearly) and watching A eat a piece of cake in Starbucks the day before. I think my problem is that I'm comparing abstinence now with how I was in March, when I Was a seasoned pro of 8 months. What I should be comparing is abstinence now with July of last year, when I was used to eating and missing food.

There are going to be problems to come - I won't be able to have a soymilk hot chocolate for over four months. I have exams in June and will be in the middle of Route to Management.

I'm not going to obsess over it though. Worrying isn't productive.

Route to Management is non-negotiable. I'll just have to battle through it.

I did exams while I wasn't eating ffs, how is food gonna be a problem?

Anyway, there you go. That's where I am and how I got there. So for those of you who were disappointed I didn't do Route to Management, you're in luck. I'm going to abstain for a while (probably a month) but go to Route to Management classes. I think I'll find them more helpful that Developers because people in Developers are mainly focusing on abstaining. Route to Management classes should help with the idea of bring food back, what to have, how to develop strategies to avoid all the crappy and retarded things I do.

I started twittering, by bizarre coincidence, as this all kicked off. So if you want a blow by blow account of the ice cream, the panic, the e-mail, the foodpacks, go to http://www.twitter.com/katie256. I had problems with my phone though and so this morning had to start with a new account: http://www.twitter.com/LLGirlBlog. The Katie256 one won't be updated but the LLGirlBlog one will.

So today for me is Day 248 Week 38.

Let's have a look at my old weights, eh?

Week 1 - 18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2 - 5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3 - 3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4 - 3lb (18st)
Week 5 - 3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6 - 5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7 - 4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8 - 5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9 - 3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10 - 4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11 - 3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12 - 5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13 - 4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14 - 2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15 - 5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16 - 2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17 - 2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18 - 4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19 - 3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20 - 4lb (13st 12lb)
Week 21 - 4lb (13st 8lb)
Week 22 - 2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23 - 4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!
Week 31 - 6lb (11st 7lb)
Week 32 - 2lb (11st 5lb)
Week 33 - 2 1/2lb (11st 2 1/2lb)
Week 34 - 5 1/2lb (10st 11lb)
Week 35 - BIG FAT ZERO!! (10st 11lb)
Week 36 - Unknown
Week 37 RTM1 - 10st 5 1/2lb
Week 38 - 10st 5lb (On Friday, my first day abstaining)