My experiences with the Lighter Life programme

BACK IN BLACK

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:27:48 +0200

For once in my life I have absolutely nothing to do (except studying, perhaps) and my laptop is on, so it feels like otherworldly forces are telling me I need to blog.

As you guys know, I was eating normally for about a month. At first I was fairly mindful of what I ate. I felt fairly confident about my ability to manage things. As time went on though I began to feel more and more out of control. I didn't know whether my portions were suitable, I'd pick constantly and there were one or two mad moments (which became more frequent!). I was in fairly loose contact with one of the ladies from my group and hadn't spoken to my counsellor since I told her I was leaving. I had toyed with the idea of going back but didn't fancy it at all.

There were, obviously, the spoon moments documented below, which don't seem too bad but in the past fornight things just got ridiculous. I could go a whole day eating pretty well (us vegans are a defautly healthy group what with our fruit and veg consumption) but then as soon as I'd get home I'd loiter in the kitchen as if waiting for my subconscious to raid the cupboards. Without any thought whatsoever pieces of any food I was preparing for my breakfast and lunch the next day would be eaten. Grapes, banana, apple, strawberries, yoghurt, broccoli, carrots, seeds, lettuce, soup...it may not sound particularly bad but it was just moronic and greedy. The way I eat disgusts me too. It's not one carrot stick thoughtlessly munched, it's a handful...not one grape, enough to make my mouth feel stuffed. I think I must derive pleasure from mili-seconds of gluttonous overconsumption. There were no prolonged binges. It'd be everything I made though - if I was making porridge I'd have to swig some soymilk from the carton and taste the oats (and have a handful of the cereal on the side while it cooked), if I was making a salad I'd have to taste the dressing from the bottle and eat some of the seeds that formed the topping...and Sunday afternoons, don't get me started! I'd make a big soup, pasta salad and something else (couscous or stir-fry etc) to take to work throughout the week. I'd probably eat two meals worth in "testing" the food. "Is the pasta done yet?", "does it need more stock?", "what's that like?", "oh that's good, one more spoonful...". I'd feel uncomfortably full by the time I was putting little tupperware boxes in the fridge and I'd ring A and say "I've just eaten loads, can we go on a mega long walk please?".

So I'd get in, make my lunch (with a large amount of picking) and then think "I'll just have a snack to take me through to dinner", completely oblivious to the fact I've just eaten a snack-sized amount of fruit and veg. Cue more boundary-pushing with portion sizes: using too much spread, eating while I'm making it etc). Later I'd have dinner (or sometimes a flash of clarity would hit me and I'd just have some muesli) and then that's when my inner three year old would demand chocolate, ice cream or peanut butter.

I'd try and ignore it, then I'd acknowledge it, start talking to it, negotiating with it:

"I have an easter egg on top of the cupboard."
"Don't be stupid, it's 10 o' clock at night. Don't eat chocolate, just go to bed."
"It'd be nice to just have a bit. It's gone easter anyway. A mouthful is neither here nor there."
"Come on, this is ridiculous, you're not even hungry."
"Yeah but I just want a bit of chocolate. Come on, it's been a hard day, just have a little treat."
"I know what this is, I know I'm not hungry, I know there is something else I want other than food."
"Well, if you're not gonna have chocolate then at least have SOMETHING. What about a bit of ice cream or some peanut butter. Hey, what about ice cream with peanut butter."

Then it'd be milling about the kitchen, open this cupboard, look at that - peanut butter...and some how, before I know it I've got a bowl of ice cream covered in peanut butter, chocolate and maple syrup on the side and I'm sat on the floor with a handful of dried apricots from a packet that I had to tear open with my teeth. All occuring in a split second and leaving me thinking "Okay, now this is just mad" but then continuing to eat the bowl of ice cream. Not a daily occurance but it did happen. After easter was when it got really bad.

I started to get sudden, gripping moments of panic and desperation in which I'd immediately become obsessed about whether I was putting on weight. I'd be walking to the kitchen when I'd notice my legs were touching when I walked and it'd unnerve and consume me for the rest of the day. The feelings of dread and self-loathing were unbearable.

I was still running and the nauseatingly desperate and worried feelings of being fatter and my occasional Mr Hyde moments of madness led me to up my daily runs from 2.5K to 5K - in addition to the morning and evening routine of squats, crunches etc. My thighs were feeling like jelly the whole time.

Everything came to a head on Thursday of last week when I experienced a fantastically fast plumet into anxiety, wild hopelessness and self-hatred initially caused by thinking my legs were getting fatter. I was at work but I was engrossed in my racing thoughts of dispair. It was as if me, my computer and my desk were in a glass bubble and the people rushing around me just blobs of colour with far-off voices. I wrestled with what to do. I felt helpless and alone. I was scared and confused by my verging on schizophrenic binge moments. I can't do this by myself, I thought.

Then I remembered that my counsellor had sent me a little e-mail a few days before saying she'd spoken to the lady I occasionally texted and that if I needed any help, to speak to her. I sat at my desk, opened an e-mail and just poured my heart out. People passed by, I could hear the photocopier but I continued to type inside my bubble. It was hard to admit that I felt out of control and hopeless and that I had those desperate moments but at the same time I felt great relief when I pressed the send button. I felt like I'd taken a step to getting out.

I suggested to my counsellor that I perhaps abstain for a short period in order to (a) give some finality to "The Real World" eating period and (b) lose a little weight to stop my sudden, stabbing feelings of paranoia. Then I could do Route to Management PROPERLY. She replied later saying that she was pleased that I was coming back and that by e-mailing I'd made a change in my behaviour (even if I didn't notice it). She suggested I stop by on Saturday so that we could talk. She said the lady I sometimes spoke to (let's give her a name, eh? Let's call her B.) might be there too.

I had another Mr Hyde ice cream episode that night (DESPITE the loathing, the panic, the desperation of the day) triggered by making my lunch for the next day and then decided "Fuck it, if I'm seeing my counsellor on Saturday, I'm obviously gonna start developers again. So it would make sense to start with foodpacks tomorrow so that I've "climbed the wall" by work on Monday.". So that's what I did. The last thing I ate was a bowl of thoughtless, deep-set emotion ladened, binge.

I felt better about everything by Friday evening. Not stressing about food made a world of difference to me. The foodpacks tasted very strange the second time around.

I saw my counsellor and B on Saturday and I left feeling bouyant and reassured. They were so pleased that I was back. It was fantastic to have them both there for me offering advice and support. The world of lighterlife opened up and gave me a hug. I remembered a key concept: CHOICE. At no time during my argument with my three year old self about chocolate did I say: YOU CAN HAVE IT IF YOU WANT IT. It was all "Don't have chocolate. Don't be stupid. You can't have it.". It was all guilt and worry and rebellion and punishment. If someone had stood there behind me and said "Why not? You can have it if you want it" - BINGO - back to reality, realise how childish you are being, you need to CHOOSE what to do. You can have the chocolate at 10pm at night but you need to realise that it will make you feel bad and is of no real benefit at all and based on that information you need to make a decision. Split second of reality and the frenzy'd be over.

So here I am on Monday at nearly 1pm feeling hungry and on to my third bottle of water. It doesn't feel too bad. I know people say it's harder the second time around but I was never a lapser the first time, so it's bearable. A couple of things have been irksome - going in to town yesterday and realising I couldn't have my weekly soymilk hot chocolate (a thing I love dearly) and watching A eat a piece of cake in Starbucks the day before. I think my problem is that I'm comparing abstinence now with how I was in March, when I Was a seasoned pro of 8 months. What I should be comparing is abstinence now with July of last year, when I was used to eating and missing food.

There are going to be problems to come - I won't be able to have a soymilk hot chocolate for over four months. I have exams in June and will be in the middle of Route to Management.

I'm not going to obsess over it though. Worrying isn't productive.

Route to Management is non-negotiable. I'll just have to battle through it.

I did exams while I wasn't eating ffs, how is food gonna be a problem?

Anyway, there you go. That's where I am and how I got there. So for those of you who were disappointed I didn't do Route to Management, you're in luck. I'm going to abstain for a while (probably a month) but go to Route to Management classes. I think I'll find them more helpful that Developers because people in Developers are mainly focusing on abstaining. Route to Management classes should help with the idea of bring food back, what to have, how to develop strategies to avoid all the crappy and retarded things I do.

I started twittering, by bizarre coincidence, as this all kicked off. So if you want a blow by blow account of the ice cream, the panic, the e-mail, the foodpacks, go to http://www.twitter.com/katie256. I had problems with my phone though and so this morning had to start with a new account: http://www.twitter.com/LLGirlBlog. The Katie256 one won't be updated but the LLGirlBlog one will.

So today for me is Day 248 Week 38.

Let's have a look at my old weights, eh?

Week 1 - 18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2 - 5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3 - 3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4 - 3lb (18st)
Week 5 - 3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6 - 5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7 - 4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8 - 5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9 - 3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10 - 4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11 - 3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12 - 5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13 - 4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14 - 2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15 - 5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16 - 2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17 - 2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18 - 4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19 - 3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20 - 4lb (13st 12lb)
Week 21 - 4lb (13st 8lb)
Week 22 - 2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23 - 4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!
Week 31 - 6lb (11st 7lb)
Week 32 - 2lb (11st 5lb)
Week 33 - 2 1/2lb (11st 2 1/2lb)
Week 34 - 5 1/2lb (10st 11lb)
Week 35 - BIG FAT ZERO!! (10st 11lb)
Week 36 - Unknown
Week 37 RTM1 - 10st 5 1/2lb
Week 38 - 10st 5lb (On Friday, my first day abstaining)

Comments

The Real World: Day 21 Week 3

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 09:13:31 +0200

I had a really bad time of things last night. I had eaten (fairly healthily I thought) two rice cakes with pate and salsa after a half hour bike ride because I was genuinely hungry (that bike is a complete beast) while watching the Apprentice with my dad. I wanted something sweet and so had half a cup of nuts and dried mixed fruit afterwards. I didn't think that was terrible - at least it was a measured quantity and not a spate of mindless fistfuls being shovelled in to my mouth. I need to get my essential fatty acids somehow and dried fruit is still fruit!

Anyway, after watching the Apprentice I washed up the tupperware in my lunchbag and started making my lunch. Cue completely thoughtless picking: "one gherkin for my lunch, one gherkin in my mouth" etc.

Me and A are going out for a meal tonight (now really badly timed but more about that later) so after making my lunch last night I went upstairs to try on my dress and shoes again, pick my jewellery and repaint my nails. All is fine and dandy. Dress looks okay, shoes are super cute (from Office), bag matches nicely and think I picked the right earrings. I would go in to more details but I want what I wear to be a surprise and after accidentally letting A see a glimpse of the dress already, I don't want (and I know the chances of this happening are ridiculously miniscule) him to stumble across the blog and find a 500 word dissection of my outfit. I also start sorting out my bag for staying round A's. I tried on a top I bought at the Brighton Vegan Fayre (22 March) because I couldn't decide what to wear on Saturday and I noticed it clinging around my belly. I thought "I'm sure this fitted when I bought it" and then I thought "I can't have gotten that big in two weeks, you must be imagining it".

Anyhoooo...I take off my nail varnish and think "Oh shit, it's 9 o' clock and I haven't had a proper meal yet tonight. I'll just have some muesli." So I had half a cup with some soymilk, it was good and I liked it. Ten minutes or so later I step on the scales out of idle curiosity and they say: 10st 11lb 28% fat. WTF??? I was, like, 10st 3lb 26.1% fat on Tuesday morning!!!

Cue massive, massive freak out and instant nauseous feeling of the muesli swilling around my belly. A feeling of utter dread, shame and disgust flooded over me and I began to relentlessly berate myself for picking at food, eating portions that were too big and generally being greedy. I sat on the end of my bed for what felt like forever without moving while my mind repeated "I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy. I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy. I hate myself. I'm going to get fat. I'm greedy.". I must have sent A a text saying those exact words because he sent me a airy-fairy reply about how I was great or something. So I continued to sit there and think "Why do you not realise that what you eat is DIRECTLY LINKED to what you weigh? If you eat twenty bars of chocolate every day you will get fat. If I pour half a cup of cereal in to a bowl but then take to handfuls out of the packet and eat them before I eat the bowl of cereal, that's not eating a half a cupful of cereal. That's eating half a cupful of cereal AND TWO HANDFULS! Just because it's not measured doesn't make it not exist. STOP PICKING AT FOOD. STOP EATING YOGHURT OUT OF THE TUB." I then made the following decisions:

1. Stop buying the big pots of plain soy yoghurt. Instead buy the pre-packed small pots. This will mean I eat one pot a day and don't have to spoon out the plain yoghurt in to a tupperware tub. Subsequently I will not eat spoonfuls of yoghurt. NO MORE PICKING.

2. Stop eating mixed dried fruit. This one might be hard. I'm going to stop putting mixed dried fruit on my porridge and therefore stop buying it. I can cut up and apple or something if I'm really that desperate to eat something on my porridge. This will stop picking.

3. Be strict with portion sizes. Half a cup means half a cup! Half a cup and a handful gets written down as half a cup and a handful.

4. Don't eat when you're not hungry. Easier said than done but basically, don't make big portions and then eat them all because "that's how much half a cupful is/you allowed yourself". Similarly, at the restaurant tonight I must be mindful of how much I eat. Restaurants always make big portions.

5. Take the boiled sweets out of my car. They are pointless. They are full of sugar. They are temptation at a time when I am susceptable to boredom.

So yeah, gotta go now because it's work time but basically A called me and I got really upset and started crying about the whole situation and he said I wasn't getting fatter, I was getting thinner, I don't eat too much, I exercise loads, I shouldn't eat less, etc. He thinks he sees the change in my body more than I do because he sees me every few days and where I walk around in my body all the tiem I don't notice it.

But the top felt tight, the scales said I was heavier, I feel greed as fuck.

This morning I was running and I was so knackered but I kept saying "This is good. This will make you more toned. This is the opposite of picking and greed and unhappiness. This is the antidote to feeling sick to your stomach with hatred and shame. This is something you can feel positive about. This is progress and change. This is what you must do. No excuses, just keep going. No excuses, just keep going. No excuses, just keep going."

I need to get it in to my head that eating shit, picking, nibbling, 'having something nice'...all that bollocks no matter where it is or what I'm doing or who I'm with...whatever goes in to my mouth with contribute to how I look and what I weigh. Exercise - squats, running, boxecise, riding my bike, walking, running up the stairs, all those things - will contribute POSITIVELY. It's actively making myself better.

Anyway, reeeally need to go now!

Sorry for the mentalness.

Wednesday 1 April

No run - boxecise later!

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with dried fruit

10.40
CD case sized tub of grapes and baby plum tomatos

12.15
Pasta salad with side salad of mixed lettuce

14.15
Cup and a half of cucumber sticks with salsa
Apple

16.00
Cup of nachos
2 handfuls of Fruit n Fibre

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt

18.00 - 19.00
Boxecise
Including holding the plank for ONE MINUTE!!! Insanity!

19.30
Banana

20.30
4 pickled gherkins
2 teaspoonfuls of soy yoghurt
(This is picking, this is eating when I'm not hungry, this is really unhelpful behaviour)

21.00
Cup and a half of "casserole vegetables" - carrot, potato, leek, onion
Half block of tofu
Half cup of onion gravy

No evening workout (already done it at boxecise!)

Thursday 2 April

No run - rest day.

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with half a banana

10.50
Half cup of grapes
3 strawberries

12.10
Homemade vegetable soup
Wholewheat pitta
Side salad of mixed lettuce

14.50
5 mini gherkins with broccoli florets and houmous
2 rice cakes
(Quite a lot? Was it necessary to eat the rice cakes too?)

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with banana and apple slices
One square of Divine 70% dark chocolate

17.30
Four boiled sweets
(Take the fucking sweets out of the car for God's sake)

18.00
Half hour bike ride

18.45
2 rice cakes with vegetable pate and salsa
Half cup of nuts and dried fruit

20.30
3 gherkins
1 strawberry
5 teaspoonfuls of yoghurt
(Picking while making my lunch for the next day. Once again, UNHELPFUL!)

21.10
Half cup of muesli with soymilk

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse curls
20 crunches

Comments

The Real World: Day 19 Week 3

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 08:55:44 +0200

So here's the past week or so:

Thursday 26 March

No run

40 crunches
30 reverse curls
20 crunches

8.20
porridge with dried mixed fruit

10.30
half can of peach slices

11.30
felt v hungry

12.15
Sainsburys mini carrot and houmous pack (105 calories)
Wholewheat pasta with pepper, carrot, textured vegetable protein and onion

14.40
apple

15.40
Tub of broccoli florets

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with grapes
1 square of Divine 70% dark chocolate

19.00

Handful of mixed dried fruit

19.40
Tofu, pepper, carrot and onion in 2 wraps
With refried beans, tortillas, salsa and guacamole

23.10
2 teaspoons of peanut butter
Handful of mixed dried fruit
Hot chocolate
(WHY DO I DO THIS??)

40 crunches
30 reverse curls
20 crunches

Friday 27 March

2.5K Run - 30 seconds at slow pace, 30 seconds are fast pace

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.10
1/4 cup of porridge with dried fruit
Half cup of soymilk

9.30
Hot cup of soymilk

11.00
1 cup of grapes

12.00
2.7K Walk

13.00
Hot chocolate
Homemade vegetable soup
Wholewheat pitta
Side salad of carrot, beetroot and lettuce
14g pack of raisins

15.30
Apple

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries
Nectarine
Orange

Fell asleep at 19.00, so didn't eat or exercise

Saturday 28 March

5K Run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

9.00
Half cup of porridge with 1 banana and 1 apple

11.30
Banana

12.30
Hot chocolate

13.00
One wholewheat pitta and one wrap filled with mixed beans, broccoli, cherry tomatos and couscous

15.40
3 boiled sweets

16.45
Half cup of yoghurt and two handfuls of mixed fried fruit
Half cup of grapes

Picking while cooking:
Textured vegetable protein, carrot, couscous, pasta

18.00
Handful of tropical fruit and nut mix
Handful of tortilla chips
Teaspoon of guacamole

20.45
Half cup of Fruit n Fibre
Pear

21.00
3 handfuls of tropical fruit and nut mix
2 handfuls of dried fruit
(WHY?!? I drive myself mad when I do this)

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

Sunday 29 March

No run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

7.00
Banana

10.00
3 rice cakes
half cup of tropical fruit and nut mix

12.30
Bowl of pasta salad
80g baby corn with guacamole
2 boiled sweets

14.00
100g sugarsnap peas with guacamole

15.30
Half cup of plain soy yoghurt
One strawberry bar
Handful of dried apricots
Handful of tortilla chips
(Bit much I think?)

16.30
Hot chocolate
12.5g of dark chocolate covered coffee beans

Moderate length walk

18.30
Handful of muesli

20.00
Two peppers stuffed with couscous
Lettuce, carrot and beetroot side salad

20.40
12g packet of dried pineapple
Scant handful of muesli
(Once again, WHY???)

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

Monday 30 March

2.5K Run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.15
Quaker porridge with dried fruit

10.45
One cup of grapes

12.00
Pasta salad with side salad of carrot, beetroot and lettuce

14.10
12.5g dark chocolate covered coffee beans

15.15
Small tub of broccoli florets

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries
One banana

18.25
3 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt
6 baby plum tomotos
2 rice cakes topped with houmous, carrot and onion

20.30
Half cup of muesli
Half cup of yoghurt

21.00
2 handfuls of dried fruit

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Tuesday 31 March
WEEK 3 WEIGH IN: 10st 3lb 26.1% fat

2.5K Run

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.10
1/3 cup porridge with dried mixed fruit

10.30
One cup of grapes

12.15
Homemade vegetable soup
Wholewheat pitta
Side salad of mixed lettuce, carrot and onion

14.30
Tub of broccoli florets with small pot of guacamole
2 handfuls of Fruit n Fibre

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries

6.40
One apple
One banana

20.45
Half cup of muesli with soymilk
2 rice cakes topped with houmous

30 squats
15 press-ups
40 crunches
40 reverse crunches
20 crunches

MUST STOP MINDLESSLY SNACKING ON "HANDFULS" OF THE FOLLOWING:
Dried fruit
Cereal
Tortillas

I don't mind sitting down and eating a measured portion of something if I am hungry (i.e. cup of grapes or even cup of tortilla chips) but just standing in the kitchen pouring mixed dried fruit in to my hand then stuffing it in my mouth is just NOT HELPFUL. Sometimes I catch myself just milling about in the kitchen as if I'm waiting for myself to open the cupboard and see what is readily available to eat.

It's thinks that are already opened. I never take out a little packet of raisins or a packet of pineapple slices (I did once this week because I was totally craving something sweet but I decided to do that rather than doing it without thinking), it's always spoonful of open yoghurt, handful of open fruit, handful of open cereal.

I constantly think I eat too much. I'm bad too, I think I measure out portions too big without thinking. I think I pour cereal a little bit past the 'half cup' mark or ladel out excessively heaped spoonfuls of soup for my lunch. (Is it worrying that I can describe a spoonful of my soup as 'heaped'? They are rather chunky...stew-like if you will.)

I seriously need some guidance. I totally need help about portion sizes, what to eat, how often, how much exercise to do...

I know that over time I will see that I either:

a) Eat too much and subsequently get fat
b) Eat the right amount and stay the same but am healthy because of exercise
c) Eat a little bit less than my body requires, which creates a calorie deficit resulting in body fat being burnt leaving me totally toned and hot looking because of exercise
d) Eat far too little and end up really boney or ill or something because of exercise

I'm aiming for (c), natch. I just have NO CLUE if I'm doing it right. This vegan fitness lark is hard.

So anyways, I bought a bike last night. It's a dutch bike with a step-through frame so I can ride it wearing pretty skirts and a bonnet with a kitten in the basket (or something like that). It looks like this http://www.biria.com/images/cd_ladies_black.jpg except my handlebars and saddle are brown. It's massive and abit scary but I can't wait to ride it through the forest on a sunny day. My dad's friend is picking it up today but I have boxecise tonight and then have to go food shopping (sigh, expense, time, effort...bring back foodpacks!) so I don't think I'll get to ride it tonight. I need to buy some locks and lights and stuff I think.

Speaking of safety equipment - these bloody clocks changing, what a pain in the arse!! It just got nice and light when I run in the morning and wasn't TOO cold and then hey presto, the clocks go forward and I'm back to running the cold and dark again. My daddy brought home a high-visibility vest from his work for me because I run on roads (the surface is more even) and wear a black jacket. The vest is huge and emblazoned with his company name, so I feel like a right 'tard in it but at least I'm safe(ish)! Actually, if I'm honest, I feel like one of the "we're hardcore runners/cyclists who exercise stupidly early in the morning" crew now because they all wear this shit all the time.

Anyway, best be off. Workie workie time.

Oh, before I go - how much do I love porridge? Breakfast is seriously my favourite meal of the day. When I get home I always want porridge or cereal for my dinner instead of proper food. Why is that? I'm addicted to oats! I feel bad though because I think I should eat something with more protein in. Why do I crave porridge so much?

Anyway, off I go! See you soon!

Boxecise tonight! Whoop!

Comments

The Real World: Day 13 Week 2

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 10:05:20 +0100

Right, so just briefly because I don't have much time!

Here's yesterday for you:

Wednesday 26 March

No run - boxecise later

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.15
1/4 cup (UK Cup) of porrided with dried figs and mixed dried fruit
10.30
1 cup (UK Cup) of grapes
12.40
Homemade vegetable soup
1 wholewheat pitta
Small salad of mixed lettuce
14.30
Apple
15.45 (really hungry by this point despite my apple?)
1 cup (UK cup) of Fruit n Fibre
Soymilk
17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with grapes

18.00 - 19.00
Boxecise, including:
60 crunches
15 press-ups
25 seconds holding the plank

19.30
Banana
20.45
1/2 block of tofu with broccoli and cherry tomatos, couscous and 1 wholewheat pitta
1 12g bag of pineapple slices (33 calories)

Now, Phase Two and My New Goals...so I'm seeing losing the 8 1/2st as the first phase of my mission to become freaking awesome. I've got the initial bulk down. Now, Phase Two will be getting totally fit and toned. I want a flat stomach. I am desperate for a flat stomach. I have the remanents of my apron however, which I think will ultimately mean I will never reach this goal but hey, I can try, right?

I'm considering asking my doctor for a tummy tuck. He might say on your bike but it's worth at least asking. After all, I'm a 22 year old girl with the rest of my life ahead of me, I should not be walking around hampered by this unsightly droop. I'm gonna ask about the bingo wings and boobs while I'm at it! Hehe.

So yeah, anyways, Phase Two: become rock solid. Now, this is why I'm so concerned about what I'm eating and stuff. A is totally in to sports and sports nutrition and has about a million books on the subject but obviously he's not an expert on what vegan fitness freaks eat. He tries to give me advice, like eating more often and in small amounts...hence my habit of eating some little every few hours - I try and go with a main meal every four hours then a stack two hours in between...so 8.00 breakfast, 10.00 snack, 12.00 lunch, 14.00 snack, 17.00 snack (still at work, so meal is impractical but as you'll have seen I keep getting really hungry at 15.30), 20.00 dinner.

So I've posted the whole of what I've eaten since reintroducing food to a couple of fitness websites asking for advice. I'll just wait and see what they say I think.

My New Goals - now, here's the biggie. A and his stupid atheleticness has decided that he wants to do the three peaks challenge and asked if I wanted to do it to. Hell yeah, I said. I've finished the whole "not eating for 8 months" thing, I need a new challenge!! I'd be well up for the training etc. Building stamina, running up hills, walking for hours on end. If it gets me looking freaking hot I'm there. The only problem is, I am being realistic? I am REEEEEALLY gonna be able to climb three mountains in 24 hours? I'm willing to give it a bloody good shot and train etc but being frank, is it too much for me to take on? I don't have a clue. I don't wanna hamper A and be a cry baby. Obviously he's a lot fitter than me and will probably run up the mountains. You can only go as slow as your crappiest person though and I don't wanna be the crappiest one!

So yeah, three peaks challenge...possible new goal.

Bike riding! That's another. I want to start riding a bike. I think my mum used to use my dad's bike, so I want to see if I can get that out of the garage and maybe start pootling around instead of using my car. Go out in to the forest or something. Rock it. Apparently it's good exercise?

I'll have to think of some more but those two are my main plans at the moment.

Other things I wanted to say about The Real World (think of it as The Real World Rules):

I'll be weighing myself on a Tuesday morning from now on. Yesterday I was 10st 4.5lb 26% body fat.

Erm, trying to stay away from sugar, aspartame (google it, I'm sure you'll find sites claims it's satan himself), refined carbs (white bread, white pasta etc), caffeine...basically anything that's overly processed. Wanna keep it whole foods, baby!

Can't think of anything else now. Well, I best get on with my work now. It's already gone 9.00! Oops!

Anyway, if you have any advice, guidance etc lemme know. I need all the help I can get.

Comments

The Real World: Day 12 Week 2

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 10:08:47 +0100

Well, I promised I'd write up what I've eaten since the Saturday I gave up Route to Management. Here you go. Please let me know what you think. I have no idea whether it's too much, too little, not enough protein (I imagine so, sigh) etc. I started off not writing the times when I ate but as the days go on I started jotting down times too.

Saturday 14 March

5K Run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Vanilla Shake

Pumpkin soup, salad and small portion of chocolate cake (1/3 of a slice)

Salad with okara and mixed beans

Handful of grapes
Spoonful of peanut butter
Stick of celery with mustard

1/4 cup soup mix with 2 teaspoons of swiss bouillon

2.5k walk

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Sunday 15 March

2.5k Run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
40 crunches
15 press ups

Handful of grapes

Small bunch of grapes
Apple
Handful of berries

Picking at pasta, couscous and textured vegetable protein while cooking

1 wholewheat pitta filled with couscous
1/2 pitta filled with chickpeas

2 hour walk

Mixed bean salad with okara

Fruit salad with two teaspoons of plain soy yoghurt

10 minutes on the rower

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Monday 16 March

2.5k Run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Porridge with fruit salad

2 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt

Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with raspberries

Wholewheat pitta with couscous and lettuce

3x pepper sticks
3x carrot sticks

CD case sized tub of pepper and carrot sticks

2 spoonfuls of couscous

1/2 block of tofu with cinnamon, 1 banana, 1 apple and small handful of grapes mixed with tablespoonful of plain soy yoghurt and drizzle of maple syrup

Tuesday 17 March

No run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

5 grapes

2 small squares of Green & Black Maya Gold

Wholewheat pasta with textured vegetable protein, tomato, mushroom, mixed beans and sweetcorn

Small tub of plain soy yoghurt with 18 blackberries

2 small squares of Green & Black Maya Gold

2 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt
Handful of grapes
3 dried apricots (you will see alot of this particular food item!)
4 carrot/pepper sticks

Tofu, carrots, green peppers, chickpeas in mustard, parsley and corriander
Small mixed lettuce salad

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
20 sit-up toe touches
50 alternate toe touches

Wednesday 18 March

2.5K Run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

10.00
1/4 cup (UK cup) of porridge
1/2 fruit salad

13.45
1/2 tub of pasta salad with tomato, mushroom, mixed beans, pepper, textured vegetable protein

17.00
Small pot of soy yoghurt with grapes
2 small squares of Green & Black Maya Gold

18.00
3 dried apricots
4 slices of apple
4 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt

20.30
1 wholewheat pitta with couscous containing celery, onion, carrots, chickpeas and lettuce
2 teaspoonfuls of yoghurt
2 teaspoonfuls of peanut butter
4 teaspoonfuls of apple sauce
(PUT THE GODDAMNED SPOON DOWN WOMAN!)

30 seconds holding the plank
30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
30 crunches
50 alternate toe touches
10 ball lifts (lying flat and passing a gym ball from your hands to your feet, down to the floor and back up again)

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
20 sit-up toe touches
50 alternate toe touches

Thursday 19 March

2.5k Run

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.00
1/2 cup (UK cup) of Fruit n Fibre
Soy milk

11.20
1/4 fruit salad

12.10
10 Calorie soup
2 carrots worth of carrot sticks
4 broccoli florets

14.00
Tub of raisin shredded wheat

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with dried apricots
2 small squares of Green & Black Maya Gold

18.15
2 tablespoons of plain soy yoghurt
3 teaspoons of apple sauce

20.45
Pasta in tomato sauce with pepper, mushroom, onion, tomato and broccoli with tofu
Small mixed lettuce salad
4 teaspoonfuls of plain soy yoghurt
3 dried apricots

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

Friday 20 March

No run

30 crunches
20 reverse crunches
20 crunches

7.45
Small handful of Fruit n Fibre and raisin shredded wheat

10.30
1/2 cup (UK cup) of Fruit n Fibre
Soy milk

14.00
4 peanuts
Wholewheat pasta with tomato, mixed beans and sweetcorn

15.45
1/2 fruit salad

16.30
3/4 cup of soymilk
2 peanuts

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt
dried apricots
2 small squares of Green & Black Maya Gold

18.45
Wholewheat pasta with tofu, peppers, mushrooms, onions

23.15
10 Calorie soup
CD case sized tub of pepper sticks and broccoli florets

Saturday 21 March

30 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Brighton Vegan Fayre - tried pratically every vegan food under the sun

Can't remember what I ate. Loads basically.

"Proper meals" included:

Breakfast - two slices of white toast, one portion of beans, one portion of plum tomatos, half a portion of mushrooms
Lunch - Spicy mexican bean burger in white bun with side salad and fruit smoothie
Dinner - 1 apple, 1 banana, grapes, soy yoghurt
Had some Love Potion No. 9 Conscious Chocolate too (Raw vegan chocolate: http://www.consciouschocolate.co.uk/chocolate.htm) Maybe a 1/4 of a bar?

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Sunday 22 March

2.5K Run

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

7.30
2 apples

10.45
1 slice of brown toast
1 portion of baked beans
1 portion of plum tomatoes
1 portion of mushrooms

12.45
2 handfuls of grapes and strawberries
3 handfuls of mixed dried fruit (raisins, currents and sultanas)

16.00
Wholewheat pitta with carrots, broccoli, mushroom and Cheezly mature cheddar (http://www.redwoodfoods.co.uk/products/cheezly/index.html)

16.45
Hot chocolate with soymilk

18.00
Handful of grapes and strawberries

Picking while cooking:
Textured vegetable protein, veg, wholewheat pasta

20.45
2 wholewheat pittas, salsa, plain soy yoghurt, mixed mexican beans with veg.

21.00
Square of Conscious Chocolate

Monday 23 March

20 seconds holding the plank
40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.15
Porridge with dried figs and apricots

10.20
1/3 iced finger
6 dried apricots
6 grapes

12.00
Homemade vegetable soup with wholewheat pitta

14.40
Apple

15.20
2 dried apricots
4 grapes

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with strawberries

17.20
1 dried apricot
3 grapes

20.30
Tofu, pepper, carrot, mexican beans and Cheezly mature cheddar
2 wraps
Salsa and plain soy yoghurt
1 square of Conscious Chocolate
2 handfuls of mixed dried fruit

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

Tuesday 24 March

2.5K Run

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches

8.20
1 dried apricot
1 grape
1/4 cup (UK cup) porridge with dried figs and mixed dried fruit

10.40
1 cup (UK cup) of grapes

12.00
Wholewheat pasta in tomato suace with tomato, pepper, onion and textured vegetable protein
Small mixed lettuce salad

14.40
Apple and handful of grapes

15.45 (I was really hungry here)
23g packet of Rice Krispies Multi-grain Shapes (85 calories)

17.00
Small pot of plain soy yoghurt with grapes and strawberries

20.00
2 peppers stuffed with couscous, carrot and cucumber sticks (cooked by A! How sweet!)

23.00
Half cup of dried fruit
2 tablespoons of plain soy yoghurt
teaspoon of swiss bouillon

40 crunches
30 reverse crunches
20 crunches
50 alternate toe touches

Well, that took far longer than I expected and now I've run out of time. I wanted to tell you about Phase 2 and My New Goals. Oh well. It will have to wait. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about it. =)

Comments

The Real World: Day 10 Week 2

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 10:01:31 +0100

So...haven't been keeping you guys as in the loops as I should have been. A lot has happened since my last update.

I posted those pictures on the Monday and me and A went and looked at a flat on Thursday. We really loved it and were keen to rent it, move in, buy kettles. The usual. My parents were more than happy to lend us the deposit because I'm pretty sure they want rid of me. Anyway, so all of a sudden my finances are being scrutinised and everyone around me is telling me I don't need to do Route to Management and I can't justify spending so much money when I really need to be focusing on saving to move out. I'm bored of eating tofu and lettuce by this point as well, of course.

Part of the just wants to give up the programme and start living normally again but part of me is really worried about eating. Preparing a whole day of food seems like an impossible task with far too much organisation required.

The Friday and Saturday are frought with flat related stresses and arguments. Me and A get our wires crossed and bicker pretty much constantly.

I decide, however, that everyone around me is right. I do need to save and Route to Management is far too expensive. Not to mention long, inconveniently timed and largely irrelevant to me. Unfortunately, being practical won the day here. I want to move out. I have to save. Cognitive behavioural therapy didn't really have a chance. I conclude that while it may be a challenge, I will give it my best shot.

So when I meet A after work on Saturday, we go to a vegan cafe nearby and I have a sweet potato, pumpkin and coconut soup with a little salad. It was nice, I felt normal. Confused, very worried but normal.

We made a plan of what I was going to eat until Tuesday and then went shopping. My jaw dropped at the price of fruit as I discovered, sadly, that I wouldn't be eating strawberries and blackberries for breakfast in the morning. I wouldn't be eating a mountain of dried fruits either. Smartprice apples it is, then.

It's been pretty much the same ever since. I have learnt a lot in the past week: I can generally half a portion I make myself, being bloated makes my stomach stick out, I cannot keep apple sauce in my kitchen without eating half the jar. I gave mushrooms a shot and they weren't too bad. I retried marmite too and whilst I still maintain it looks more like something a plumber would grease his tools with than a food product, it's not as awful as I remember. I don't love it or hate it now, I just find it curious.

My diet is mainly fruit and veg now along with some pulses, grains and tofu. I write down everything I eat along with the time. I have forgetten my book today but next time I write I'll type up a sample, so you can see. I still have to wrestle with picking. Yesterday, for example, I made a big batch of lunches to take to work and I was constantly putting bits of carrot and pepper in my mouth. I keep having to say to myself "You are not a human dustbin. If you have made too much, throw it away. You don't have to eat it.".

The worst thing I can do in the kitchen is pick up a teaspoon. If I pick up a teaspoon, I am automatically in the cupboard looking for something I can nibble: soy yoghurt, swiss bouillon, peanut butter, apple sauce, marmite. I don't even know why I do it. Just put the bloody spoon in the dishwasher, put the apple sauce down and close the cupboard door! Is it that hard? Why continue to put the spoon in the jar and then in your mouth???? WWWWWHHHYYY???

I also think about food pretty much constantly despite not really getting hungry that much. I'm always looking at the clock assessing when I last ate and when I can eat again. Yesterday I actually set myself a challenge of not eating for two hours. That's how bad it is. I mean, of course, I was only picking on strawberries and grapes but how am I ever going to get hungry enough to eat a proper meal if I just pick on stuff all the time?

So yeah, obviously not "cured" by Lighterlife. I don't know. I still feel like I'm out of control, I'm battling my demons and I'm hideously worried that I will get fat - which is why getting bloated horrified me because it gave me a big, bulging belly and my glorious size ten jeans felt tight.

I am exercising more - not excessively but...frequently. Just running most mornings now instead of half. I do 90 cruches (that's 60 normal crunches and 30 reverse crunches) in the morning and evening. I'm dying to get a flat stomach but A almost delights in telling me that I'll never get one without losing the layer of fat above my muscles. Er, gee, thanks...so basically what you're saying is I should have stayed on Lighterlife?? A says I should just eat right and work out, which triggers a plethora of questions - do I eat right? Should I eat less? Do I snack too much? Do I exercise enough? Do I do the right exercises? It's okay for him, he already has stupid muscles and a stupid flat stomach.

Anyway, just to give you a taste...here's my morning so far:

6.20

Run 2.5k

40 crunches
30 reverse cruches
20 crunches
20 seconds - plank

8.20

Cup of soymilk
Porridge with dried figs and apricots

Comments

Day 244 Week 37

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:33:59 +0100

Simply put: I am not fat any more.

Please find the fruits of my labour below. Boxecise, running, lighterlife - I couldn't have done it without you.

(Note the upper arms...nanny bye byes still need work)

SEPTEMBER 2008

NOVEMBER 2008

TODAY - 9 MARCH 2009

Comments

Day 243 Week 37

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 19:41:43 +0100

An eventful week ladies, an eventful week indeed!

Lemme start from the beginning, eh? Okay, well I was given a whole mountain of work by my boss at the beginning of the work and so running around like a mental at work. I got a bee in my bonnet about busting the hell outta this mountain and threw myself into getting the work done. At the same time an assignment had been set by the people who run my lawyer-study-course-thing (don't worry, this does get lighterlifey in a minute, I promise. Stick with it.). Now, I knew about this and was expecting it but what I wasn't expecting was for the assignment to have four freaking parts. Not only that but these four freaking parts all had separate parts. So I didn't have one assignment, I had, like, twelve. Oh ffs.

Now, while all this was going out I was drinking bucketfuls of decaff coffee and this was making me get up to pee in the night, like, four or five times. Yeah, it was pretty annoying.

So by Tuesday evening I was a bloody mess. I had a pounding stress headache, I'd done double the work I normally do, I was freaking out about my assignments, I was so fucking tired it was untrue and I'd left my phone at home. ARGH!! I can't survive without my phone. So anyway, I went to group and I said to my counsellor basically "I'm really stressed, I have a massive assignment - please can I just get my foodpacks and go home and study?" and she very courteously said yes and tried to make me feel happier.

So I went home and pretty much tore my dad to shreds for saying hello to me and my mum said to me "God, what's wrong with you? You look awful." And I said something along the lines of "work, assignment, not sleeping, tired, no energy, stress, forgot phone". She said I looked really pale and like something was wrong but she couldn't put her finger on it. I told her I was just incredibly tired and that it was probably from rushing around.

Anyway, another night of crap sleep and then oh my days - Wednesday afternoon I was like a corpse. So, so, so tired. Not just sleepy tired but that sunken-eyed, drag-yourself-about-but-your-limbs-don't-want-to-work tired. I kept putting my icey fingers (remember I am always ALWAYS cold at work) over my eyes and just sitting there. I felt so tired I wanted to cry. It came on at about 3.30 and just didn't go. I perked up around home time and I managed to take my sorry ass to boxecise but I did slack off quite a lot. Then in the evening it kicked in again and I lost all my patience, bickered with A the entire night, then cried, cried some more and eventually slept. God knows how he put up with that actually. I tried to explain it to him but "All I ever am is tired and cold. I am so fed up with being tired and cold." didn't really cut it. (Did I mention my parents had gone away and turned the heating off? So even though I put it on constant and whacked up the thermostat it still wasn't coming on and so we were just living in an ice box?)

Thursday and more of the same. I decided to take Friday afternoon off as holiday. I couldn't take the whole day off because A was still staying over and would be relying on me for a lift. I figured I could just slob out and try to rest - go to bed, watch some telly, nap. By this stage I thought it was getting ridiculous. Who takes time off work because they are so tired? I did twig something though on Thursday. I seemed to be getting tired about two hours after I'd eaten something. So the 3.30 tiredness was from my lunch and then the evening tiredness was after dinner. That's why I managed to pull myself through boxecise - because it's an hour after eating and so I still had some energy.

Now, I'm no nutritionist but I decided it was something to do with my blood sugar levels or something like that and so in bleary-eyed, zombified, miserable state I got out my foundation book and started reading about Milk Week. A lady in my group told me she'd done one the other week because she felt awful and it really helped her. I wasn' t sure if it was worth it seeing as I'm gonna finish in two weeks time but I thought I'd just get the low-down on it anyway. You have to drink two litres of soymilk a day on Milk Week. It's way less for cow milk but you guys should know by now I'm not putting that stinky cow protein in my belly.

Two litres seemed like an awful lot. The book assured me though that the flavour would not be 'watered down' though. (Oh how I'm trying to stifle a snicker here...read on, you'll see what I mean.)

So, Thursday night. A was still over but basically I just fell asleep super early. No coupley naughtiness going on. I think he understood though because I totally wasn't being myself at all.

Friday rolled around and I was tired by about 11.00. Fucking absurd. Tired is too weak a word. It was like mind-crippling, soul-wrenching, tear-inducing exhaustion. That's what it was. I was exhausted. Devoid of energy. I'd totally had enough. I was sat at my desk thinking about going to Asda on the way home to buy herbal sleeping tablets so I could get home, knock myself out and just sleep all weekend.

Fuck it. I thought. I don't care if I only have a week and a bit to go. I can't spend another week like this. This is misery. I'll just do Milk Week. I don't care if I put weight on or get kicked out of ketosis. This is stupid. This is unbearable. I'm a fucking zombie.

12.00 rolled around and I jumped in my car and bought two litres of Smartprice soy milk. I nixed the sleeping pills idea. Too expensive.

So anyway, that's where I made my first mistake. The first time you try something you don't wanna be trying the pikey version. Smartprice soymilk tastes like shit. Had a taste, grimaced, sighed, had another taste, gagged, kicked myself for spouting all this vegan shite. Saying that I did end up drinking about a litre in an hour. Really stupid idea by the way. Made my belly feel like it was going to explode. After that I went to bed and tried to nap for a few hours but couldn't. I had the awful beany aftertaste of Smartprice soymilk in my mouth and I was dispairing at my actions. I considered nipping Milk Week in the bud right there and then because the Smartprice stuff tasted so bad but for the sake of my health I decided to carry on.

I made a batch of my own soymilk, figuring I could just use that instead of the Smartprice shit but fucking hell, it's a lot of effort. My soymilk had a a more earthy bitty taste but luckily no beany after taste.

Anyway, I made a strawberry milkshake with the Lighterlife prescribed 500ml of soymilk feeling safe in the knowledge that that amount of milk wouldn't impaire the flavour. Lighterlife lied. I couldn't even taste the goddamn foodpack. It was just a soymilk chugfest. No food flavour at all. Urgh, I thought, so basically I'm gonna just not eat for a week. I'm just gonna be swilling milk constantly.

Now, Saturday morning comes around and I'm soldiering on. Like I said, I made a batch of my own soymilk but it took bloody forever. I went out with my dad and didn't get home until the afternoon and so had missed two foodpacks. I decided to eat them together with 500ml of milk and just down the other 500ml that I should have drunk. I had two chocolate foodpacks with the 500ml and whoa, that was delicious. My soymilk was infinitely better than Smartprice's (no shit) and two foodpacks was just heaven. Seriously, I could eat two chocolate foodpacks and 500ml of my soymilk forever. That made me feel better about my choice and to be honest I was starting to perk up energy-wise as well.

The whole drinking-lots-of-milk thing did make going out all day a bit of a military operation though involving lots of flasks and cups with millilitres marked on the side. It was worth it though, I got through.

My dad bought me some Alpro Soya soymilk while we were out in the morning after I exclaimed that making two litres of soymilk a day was ridiculous and the promotional claim of five minutes cleaning time of my soymilk maker was "clearly false advertising" and "a fucking joke". Alpro Soya soymilk tastes good. SO MUCH BETTER THAN SMARTPRICE. Don't drink Smartprice soymilk, seriously.

Alpro Soya soymilk in coffee is delicious.

Sat here now on Sunday, having had shit soymilk, good soymilk, homemade soymilk, disappointing foodpacks and delicious foodpacks I can tell you that I feel so much better. I went for a run this morning for the first time in ages and I felt energised and happy...not run down, deathly and miserable. I had another of my 500ml homemade soymilk with two choc foodpacks this afternoon and it was fantastic. Alpro Soya milky coffee really is devine. I'm gonna carry on with my Milk Week until Wednesday, when I will resume normal service. I'm glad I decided to do it and stuck with it even when it seemed like a belly-bloating challenge.

So, if you are thinking of embarking on a soymilk Milk Week, here's my advice to you:

1. DON'T BUY SMARTPRICE SOY MILK. It has an awful beany aftertaste that is revolting.

2. Yes, you have to drink 2 litres a day but ignore Lighterlife's suggestion of 500ml with each foodpack. You can't taste the foodpack at all and you feel like you're not eating anything.

Instead, use about 200ml with the foodpack and use a good electric hand blender. It will taste all yummy and creamy.

I would suggest putting the left over 300ml in hot drinks between that foodpack and your next one. (*coughs* Alpro Soya *coughs* coffee *coughs*) Or just drink it on it's own - which isn't a problem if you're soymilk is decent but if it's Smartprice, you're fucked!

3. Strawberry foodpacks aren't great for mixing with milk because they are quite weakly flavored (even if you only use 200ml of milk). Banana and chocolate work well.

4. If you combine two foodpacks you can get away with 500ml of soymilk.

5. If you're making a hot drink with soymilk, put the milk in first and slowly add the hot water while stirring the drink. Don't use boiling water, let a cool a wee bit first. It's de-lish.

You will feel better though! It will give you the pep you've been missing.

To be honest I guess it's not surprising that after eight months of what is basically starvation my body crapped out on me. I'm only 10st something now and I'm jogging, boxecising etc - I guess there's just not much more fat for my body to eat away at. Eight months is a long time.

I'm glad I'm doing Milk Week and I do feel better for it. It was a bit of a hassle to start with but I'm in the swing of things now! =)

Comments

Day 233 Week 35

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 09:50:19 +0100

Guess how much I lost on Tuesday night...no go on, guess...don't know? Okay, I'll tell you. NOTHING! "Fucking hell mate, did you go mental and eat sixteen chocolate eclairs?" you ask...uh no! Did I deviate at all? UH, NO! There I am, freaking saintly LLGirl, a shiny beacon of abstinence bursting with excitement and expectation as I'm stood on the scales after another week diligently sticking to her foodpacks. ZILTCH. Week 35, no food, ziltch.

Oh well. I'm not too bothered. I did have a mental week last week and I have still lost 8st.

The only problem is that if I do stop on 17 March, I'm not gonna get very far if I lose a big fat nothing each week. But still, like I say, I'm kinda happy with myself now and hopefully now I've shed the lumpy bumpy excess weight, exercise will help me tone up and become a total hot bod.

Someone called me svelte the other day actually. That amused me. I was like "Hahaha, what you don't know is I've got fucking huge pants on, tights, a vesty top tucked into my skirt, a shirt AND a tank top on...that's why I look svelte!". The thick black tights help too I think. They somehow make your legs look more streamlined. Hey, I'm not complaining.

It was weird the other day - this lady in my group said to me "See, you can wear that look: little skirt, thick black tights, really high heels...I can't pull that off." and it confused me. Is what I wear a 'look'? I just wear what I like. It's so crazy, I've always taken an active interest in fashion and (though I probably looked stupid thinking about it now) even when I was a 19st-er I used to buy Vogue, Elle, Look etc and was up on my designers but I always felt totally alienated and divorced from the whole thing. I couldn't accessorise or wear trends because I felt like being big was this massive barrier to the whole thing. No matter how cute my shoes were or how on trend my bracelet was at the end of the day I was still a fat girl and that detracted from what I was doing heinously. It's like no one would give to credibility. Even if you walked in to Evans (the only place I could go and let's face it they SUCK for fashion) and bought a whole outfit that was on trend, you'd still not look like the girls on the high street or in the magazines because your version was probably some floaty A-lined moomoo. And then of course there's silhouettes - tulip skirts, rara skirts, weirdly tailored coats...when you're fat all you want to do is hide your belly and look as slim as possible. Daring statement silhouettes can fuck off. Oh yeah, and of course my probably was that I could NEVER show off any part of my arm above the elbow. Meh, still can't to be honest.

And don't get me started on shoes. You know my love of severe verging on bizarre-o office shoes (freaking high, natch), well try wearing them when you're 19st. Well, if you can even GET THEM ON!! I couldn't tell you how many times I've nearly been brought to tears in places like New Look trying to force my foot in my size shoe - like one of the goddamn Ugly Sisters. Then if you can force them on your feet, it's a case of walking in them. Red raw feet, that's all I'll say. Squeezing, pinching, rubbing, throbbing red raw feet. So yeah, you put up with it because you think "hey, I'm rockin this" and then you see your reflection: this huge, heaving, lumbering mass hobbling down the corridor like a fucking lumberjack teetering over teeny-tiny dainty little shoes like tree trunks forced in to thimbles. You look I've you've been prized into those shoes with every ounce of effort someone could must. You like you have trotters. You don't look hot, you don't rock it, your size is simple far too sheer for you to tapper off in to these tiny little shoes. It's heart breaking. The amount of times I've seen my reflection when I was big and been humiliated. It's like, you try, you go through the agro of buying the shoes, you try on a million pairs of shoes, you put up with the pain, you fucking try your little heart out and then you see yourself and you think "God, why do I do this? Why do I fucking bother? I look like a frump in flats, I look like a Andy Fordham in drag in heels. I am destined to be ugly.".

Anyway, kinda went off on one there. Didn't mean to. Have to go now unfortunately. Sorry.

Comments

Day 227 Week 34

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 09:45:18 +0100

I tell you what, I am never missing a boxecise class again. I didn't go last week because I was ill and on Wednesday night after about three press-ups I thought I was going to die. I was wheezing about like a good'un. I tried my best, of course. So there I was grimacing, slogging it out and just trying to get through it. Thursday I didn't feel too bad. Whacked on the five inch heels and off I totter to work. By 3 o' clock though I felt like I'd been up 30 hours straight and spent 15 of them in a bout with Rocky. I was dragging myself down the corridor. Fuck the shoes, I thought and took them off. BIG MISTAKE! I could barely straighten my legs! Now I don't understand muscles or anything but man, flat footed walking hurt. After that I was just buggered. I was shuffling about like an old man. My arms too - but I was going for it at Boxecise with my arms. NANNY BYE BYES, you will LEAVE ME!!

It's funny because I don't wear my glasses to Boxecise and so pull all these funny World's-Strongest-Man type faces when I'm doing squats and lifting weights - I just assume that since I can't see people's faces they can't see mine! Remembering of course the whole place is bloody mirrored! Haha.

Didn't think I'd be able to run this morning. I did try and make excuses, honest. I led there at 6am going "I bet it's cold outside, let's not go yeah?" (I talk to myself like I'm two people, is that weird?) and the other part of me was like "Oh just shut up you lazy twat, get up.". It was alright actually. Am starting to get a bit faster these days. 5k run tomorrow though. URgh.

Oh yeah, so my mum told A last night to make sure I didn't become aneroxic - WTF? I'm sorry but what WTF? What. The. Fuck? I'm just sat here shaking my head at the screen of my laptop. Annoyance, that's what I feel.

So you know I said I wanted to eat at the Brighton Vegan Fayre? Well, I'm getting near to finishing, so I've decided I will start Route to Management on Wednesday 18 March at the latest. So whatever I am then - but most people say you lose weight at the beginning of Route to Management anyway, so I'll probably get down to 10st 4lb. In the morning at the moment I am weighing 10st 8lb. So if we assume I'll be 2lb heavier at LL (I usually am - evening-tide y'see), that's 10st 10lb at the mo...lose two pounds a week (sigh, used to be three)..yeah, should be roughly 10st 4lb but then. It's about a month away.

Anyway, time for breakfast. Ha...I wish. Vanilla milkshake. You know all I eat these days is vanilla shakes, strawberry shakes and peanut bars. Every day.

Breakfast - Vanilla Shake
Lunch - Strawberry Shake
5.30 snack - Peanut bar
Dinner - Vanilla Shake

BUT OMFG!! PORRIDGE ON TUESDAY!! WOOO HOOOOOOO! I can't wait! =D Yay for new foodpack.

So yeah, on I get. Turrah.

Comments

Day 225 Week 34

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 13:28:31 +0100

Just a quick one today, girlies...had something I needed to tell you THIS INSTANT:

I HAVE LOST 8ST!!!

Check it out:

Week 1 18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2 5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3 3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4 3lb (18st)
Week 5 3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6 5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7 4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8 5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9 3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10 4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11 3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12 5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13 4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14 2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15 5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16 2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17 2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18 4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19 3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20 4lb (13st 12lb)
Week 21 4lb (13st 8lb)
Week 22 2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23 4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!
Week 31 - 6lb (11st 7lb)
Week 32 - 2lb (11st 5lb)
Week 33 - 2 1/2lb (11st 2 1/2lb)
Week 34 - 5 1/2lb (10st 11lb) EIGHT STONE!!

WOO HOO!! I'll be finished in no time.

So yeah, make me happy and make yourself happy by buying my clothes and shoes off ebay =P:

http://shop.ebay.co.uk/merchant/porkfap_W0QQ_nkwZQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZQQ_mdoZ

Also, bought some rollerblades to go skating in with my fit friend (healthy, not hot) and got them delivered to work. Put them on in the office in a fit of excitement, slipped off my chair and straight on to my ass. Now I have a sore ass. And boxecise tonight.

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Day 224 Week 34

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:48:40 +0100

I went running this morning for the first time since Wednesday. Man, I felt lazy! It felt good once I got going though and I made an effort to pick up the pace in the last quarter. Boxecise tomorrow as well, that'll get me back in to the swing of things.

I'm going out with the girls on Friday night and so last night was dragged shopping by my friend who insisted I needed 'a nice top and some jeans that aren't bloody baggy'. I was reluctant because I'm on a serious saving money kick at the moment. Lighterlife, might I point out, takes roughly a quarter of my pay each month...sigh, moan, huff. So anyway, my friend has completely different taste to me and was picking out clingy, weird, off the shoulder 80s numbers and I was distracted by looking at the price of everything.

Eventually after a good rummage through the sale rail I found a really sweet, frilly, paisley-ish dress in a number of blue shades (size 14) that had one of those 'imperfect' tags on. The little vesty top underneath the dress had a strap broken but hey, I thought, easily fixable. And £3 off, woot says the cheapskate in me (making it £19). So yeah, I try it on with some other dresses - one floaty polka dot dress (size 12 - my choice), one chucky black and grey striped jersey dress with a strange elasticated neckline (size 14 - her choice, obv) - and the broken one rocked it by miles. Yaaaay for the cheap dress. So I got to the checkout and some, like, 14 year old was stood there. I noticed out of the corner of my eye the till says "£10 off" and I'm like 'what?' and then she puts through the £3 off and says to me "That's £9 then please." and I practically drop everything trying to shove my card into the reader as quickly as possible. The 14 year old rolls her eyes and tuts before telling me the till hasn't given me a receipt and she needs to get her manager. I was like "Errr...I don't need a receive kthanksbye!" and rushed off before they get the chance to demand the extra tenner off me. It's going in my ISA bitches!! I need to move out!

It was brilliant! The cheapest dress looked the nicest, I got an extra tenner off and appeased my guilty clothes buying conscience. Woo hoo!

I was thinking this morning about this I like now I'm slimmer...here's my list:

Tights - hadn't worn them since I was about 12 but they freaking rock! I'm talking the completely opaque ones - black, of course. They make your legs look slimmer and keep 'em warm. What more could you ask for?

My legs - come to think of it. They have miraculously become slim in, like, a month. I guess it's the running?

Padded bras - just as my legs have become slim (in what feels like) overnight, my boobs have completely disappeared. I now fit in those lovely padded bras M&S make. I used to have to get the E-G cup version of the A-DD bras. They always felt granny-fied and completely unsexy. No more M&S underwear splurges for me though. Not now I'm on my saving kick.

Charity shops - well, I loved 'em before but I can fit in a lot more stuff now. =) Charity shops in Brighton, might I add, ROCK! Monsoon denim skirt, Dorothy Perkins pinstriped skirt, red freaking cork wedges...loves it.

Uber high heels - I can wear them all day now! Currently wearing black patent platform peeptoe slingbacks with a heel measuring 5inches. Yes, I am a giant but I feel like a princess.

Anyway, that's enough for now. Time to work. I've added some stuff to ebay if you fancy it - there's two pairs of Evans knee length boots on there that cost me a fortune and will sell for peanuts, no doubt.

http://shop.ebay.co.uk/merchant/porkfap_W0QQ_nkwZQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZQQ_mdoZ

Comments

Day 222 Week 34

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 22:04:11 +0100

I've just come back from a weekend away in Brighton. Tooled up with my foodpacks of course. More Travelodge, more free decaff coffee!! Managed to rack up a few more places I've made a crafty foodpack in - McDonald's straws do not make good stirring implements I have learnt. M&S cafes are a pretty good place - you get a proper glass and there are forks available.

I've been doing a spot of baking too! So much fun but exceptionally hard when you're abstaining. When you're doing the icky sticky bits and melting chocolate chips (dairy free, of course) it is sooo tempting to lick your fingers. I've managed to refrain so far but it truly does take effort. Then, of course, when the muffins and cookies come out of the oven they smell superb.

I made A some muffins for Valentine's Day, y'see. Vegan, natch. I made him banana and walnut and banana choc-chip and then I iced them and wrote soppy messages on the top. He was very happy with them I think. I made a test batch for my parents (I was super worried I'd fucked them up a treat) and was both relieved and pleased when my mum woofed them down and said they were delicious. I also made a chocolate and banana no-bake pie with a cheesecake base but that was (a) really frickin time consuming and (b) not as asthetically pleasing as the muffins.

So after the sneaky test batch triumph, I attempted the real thing. A loved them and was quite interested in my budding vegan bakery skills, so today we got to work making some vanilla and (dairy free) choc-chip cookies.

A gets a lot of grief, bless him. He was nomming away on the cooled cookies and I was quizzing him on their taste - "Well, are they sweet? Can you taste the vanilla? Are they chewy? Too chewy? Are they not cooked? Are they crunchy as well? How crunchy? Are the chips okay? Do they taste like normal?". He's like "MMmm, well, they're nice. They taste good."...good? Good? I need more than that! More adjectives please! You seem not to realise I cannot taste them! He was even trying the soy milk I bought for the no-bake pie. He said it tasted like full fat milk and even put it on his cornflakes instead of the red stuff my mum buys. What a turn up for the books I thought, I'm all for veganised full fat milk! It's worth pointing out, of course, it has hardly any fat in it.

Abstinence is really wearing thin these days. I'm starting to fit in to a lot of size 12 trousers (I even bought a Monsoon skirt in a size 10 in Brighton - but we all know Monsoon cuts big, right girls?) and I just can't see the point in carrying on any more. Last night I weighed myself as 10st 12lb but on Wednesday at LL (I didn't go to group because I was ill) I was 11st 2 1/2lb. God knows why it's varying so much but it's a big difference and it is discouraging. If I knew for certain it was only a month more, I think I could stick it out but as it stands - weighing 11st 2 1/2lb and only losing 2lb-ish a week - I could be abstaining still in 7 weeks time! I just can't hack it. Perhaps cooking doesn't help the situation but I'm getting to the stage where I've got this healthy curiosity about food and I just want to learn, cook, experience things. I want to chuck myself in at the deep end. I want to taste the soy milk ffs.

I've got my results, I don't think I'm fat anymore...I think I'm just carrying on for the sake of it. Hmm, I'm not sure if that's true. I do want to reach my goal but I'm not sure why. I think it's just so I can prove to people I can do it. Is that the right reason to do something? I'm not convinced.

But the thing is, I've come this far and done everything by the book - there's no way I'm going to cheat or stop short. Y'know, I've gone seven months with no food, why throw in the towel with only a few weeks to go?

Urgh, I don't know!

Anyway, my counsellor gave me the route to management book and I've read it pretty much cover to cover. It won't be easy to eat all that tofu but in the spirit of doing things by the book I'll give it my best!

Me and A are going to go to the Brighton Vegan Fayre in March and I have decided that provided I am in route to management at that stage I am going to eat what I like on that day. Shock horror, I know. The thing is, it's the first Vegan event I'll have gone to and every Vegan company under the sun is going to be there. Going there and not trying the food would be like a bride-to-be going to Europe's largest wedding exhibition and staying in the car park. Y'know, it's a one-off thing and it means a lot to me. If I'm still in abstinence though...well, for one thing I'll be majorly fucked off. It's on 21 March, so I BETTER BE FINISHED! What I mean to say is if I'm still in abstinence then tough shit. Stubborness rules out over veganism, I'm afraid.

Anyway, best go now. I'm properly tired. I've been ill for half of this week and then away the other half, so I've hardly run at all. I need an early night tonight and then a good 6am jog tomorrow! I managed a full 5k jog last weekend as well. I was effing amazed. Considering I'm the girl who couldn't even finish the 800m at school.

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Day 209 Week 32

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:46:55 +0100

I am sick to the fucking gills of lighterlife, route to management, veganism...all this stuff. I have borrowed books from the library (Which is shit by the way), bought my own and googled the fricking life out of those words. Yes, I've got recipes galore but no definite word on what I can actually bloody eat. What's the point of knowing how to make a chestnut and lentil pate if I can't effing eat it??

I have found this rough guide: here , which might be alright for omnivores but, alas, not for us awkward meat dodgers.

Sorry, I think I'm winding myself up here. It's basically all I've been doing for the past four days. You know, I have said all along that I want to do route to management and it's the key to this whole process but it's starting to really fuck me off. For some reason it's really mysterious. I know the link I've posted outlines things roughly but I want all the facts laid out for me.

Because I'm being an awkward fucker, I want to plan what I'm going to do next and how I'm going to do it - what skills I need, what food to buy etc - but I feel like I'm being prevented through lack of information.

Part of me secretly even wonders if it is worth me doing route to management. The emphasis is clearly on omnivores and veggies and my diet is going to be drastically different. It seems that RTM tries hard to drum a "fresh fruit and veg" approach into people but most vegan diets are like that from the word go.

...

Okay, luckily, A just phoned me and we spoke for about 45 minutes about what's been bothering me. So we decided RTM was not really designed for vegans. We established that I am keen to do RTM in order to finish LL properly. It seemed sensible, therefore, to follow RTM but be mindful that veganism probably was not a concern of those creating the plan (eg take it with a pinch of salt). A suggested I ask my Counsellor about making substitutions - beans being introduced in Week 3 in place of the 'additional protein' for example would make my life much easier. We thought that the vegan diet contains a smaller scope of food than an omni diet and that is why RTM takes such a long period to introduce foods. We thought it likely that a vegan plan would introduce food groups more quickly and focus on building calorie intake slowly.

I am going to speak to my Counsellor about it tomorrow. I have been putting it off because I feel that she doesn't take me seriously. Enough is enough though and I need her advice. At the end of the day, the worst that can happen is that she tells me a load of shit and I choose not to follow what she says. At best she can put my mind at ease and give me a load of information. Perhaps if I get it off my chest I will feel better.

I just have a bit of a nagging feeling that if I follow RTM my first few months of veganism could end up being a crappy experience...but hey, on the bright side I guess things could only get better?

Okay, bottom line: I don't have all the information on RTM yet, I am doing something unusual, it's not forever, I may have to make sacrifices. End of.

P.S. Fucking snow stopped me from running today!!! GRRRR!

Comments

Day 204 Week 31

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:46:38 +0100

Watching Eastenders while blogging. Now that's my kind of multi-tasking.

So hey, boxecise this evening! Fucking loves it! I don't know if I told you about my ex-boyfriend's mental new girlfriend who periodically starts on me via text or facebook for absolutely no reason...well anyway, she looks like she has a potato for a head. I call her Potato Head. I was punching the punchbag and really going for it when one of the girls I was with said “Imagine it's your ex-boyfriend...no, imagine it's Potato Head!”. PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH!! Bash, bash, bash! It's brilliant. Seriously, I want a punchbag. You don't get many chances these days to punch something as hard as you can and it is fantastic.

Don't get me wrong. Parts of it killed me but I did do all of it. I'm so looking forward to the next one though. God, I am mad.

My mum is really starting to fuck me off. I came in from boxecise full of zest and bounciness. I said to my mum “J at Lighterlife has lost 10st now!” and my mum turned to my dad and said “I don't know, I think some people are going too far with this. They are getting obsessed. They are going from one extreme to the other.”. She then told me that I better stop soon or she'll call my counsellor and tell her to stop giving me packs. “I'm you mother, I have a say in this”...I'm sorry, WTF? I am 22 years old. I am an adult. My BMI states I am overweight. I have been given an ideal weight by my doctor. I jog three times a week for thirty minutes and do an exercise class once a week for an hour. That is not excessive behaviour, that is normal. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. So yeah “I'm your mother, I have a say in this”, I say “I have a say in this, I am me.”. I asked her how she'd feel if her mum called Lighterlife about her. I assume she'd think something along the lines of “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”. It's such a piss take though. She was practically accusing me of having an eating disorder. I'm not being funny but when I go to the gym for three hours a day and weight 7st, then you can section me. As it stands I wear a size 16 top, weigh 11st 7lb and can't remember the last time I missed a foodpack, so kindly get fucked.

She doesn't seem to understand that I WANT TO BE HEALTHY. That's why I want to be vegan and that's why I want to exercise. I want to be fit, I want to give my body nutrition, I want to feel positive. I have seen the effects of eating disorders: tiredness, sallow skin, depression. Far from my aspirations of wholefoods, bright eyes and yogini-like flexibility. Urgh, the whole fucking thing is ridiculous. I don't even know why I'm fighting my corner here because her claim is nonsense. I want to cook, I want to bake, I want to eat. And yes, I want to run too. What's the fucking problem?!

Of course, part of me wonders if this has something to do with the fact she cacked up her Lighterlife a treat. It's harsh to say but you have to wonder. She told me she would get Christmas over and then start again. Then it was “I'll start again once my Chinese flu has gone away” (yes, what the fuck IS Chinese flu?). Now it's “I'll start again once I've had my scan”...”when's that?” you ask, only the middle of March. Seeing a pattern here?

When I get to 10st 4lb, I will stop. I promise you that. I swear on my freaking life. I have no desire to Nicole Richie myself. I do Lighterlife by the book (as you well know) and that's my goal. I am going to get there. I am going to get there without lapsing. I would like to get there without interference too.

Sorry, this whole subject really pisses me off. As far as I am concerned I'm not in the wrong at all. Surely an impartial individual would say “LLGirl has been given a reasonable goal by a medical professional. She is following the government's advice about exercise. She has an unhealthy BMI but she is working towards a healthy one. More fucking power to her.”

More fucking power to her!

Comments

Day 202 Week 31

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 21:16:23 +0100

So was having a ball last week, I must admit – verging on mini-holiday albeit for the eight hours chewing the cud that is revision and three hours frantic scribbling. To tell the truth I'm looking forward to my next exam! Bring on the firm-paid Travelodge and free sachets of decaff!

Anyway, yeah, so I have been off work the last week. Lazily rolling out of bed at 8am and going for a jog. It's a nice time to go provided you don't get soaked by hate-ridden bus drivers. I quite enjoyed getting it out of the way, having a shower and then having the rest of the day guilt-free. I had been toying with the idea of getting up early to go jogging before work for a good month now. Like I said the other day, I just got ants in my pants about doing something exercise-wise and it seemed like a – huh, I wouldn't say good idea...but you know what I mean.

So after this week of indulgent morning jogs I bit the bullet and decided that this Monday was gonna be the day I tried out the 6am wake up. And you know what? It was a freaking dream. Out by 6.15am, crisp dark morning, jogged for longer than ever, back in by 6.40am, stretch and shower. I was out of the house bang on time. What could be better? My mum, of course, told me I was 'mad' when I saw her this evening...but then again, this is the woman who told me thirty minutes of exercise three times a week (the government guideline for exercise, no less) was 'obsessive'. Yes, that's me: the food nazi fitness 'obsessive'. Haha, I'm actually laughing at that now!

My mum, by the way, has been official off the wagon (as in, not making me lie about her absence at Lighterlife) for over a month now. She has, however, taken to eating the odd foodpack occasionally and then reporting back to me on her good behaviour. Riiiight, well done Mummy. Just don't reward yourself with a bar of Galaxy. That's not how it works.

Oh, I had a heinous accident on Sunday morning. I stayed at A's for the first time and was getting rather excited about my new breakfast concoction (current favourite meal of the day). I was stood beside a counter holding a glass that said “moo bah oink” happily whisking away at the contents when all of a sudden beige milkshake goes fucking everywhere. WTF??? The glass had fricking shattered and my goddamn breakfast was all over the counter, the floor, me and worst of all a fiftieth birthday card for A's mum. Oh my days, the embarrassment. I didn't know what I felt worst about: breaking the glass, making such a mess or not being able to eat my yumtastic vanilla/coffee shake. I honestly can't remember the amount of times I looked at A while we cleaned up (he in what appeared to be a polite state of bewilderment) and said “Seriously, I've made like two of these every day for six months. This has never happened before. Oh my God, I am so sorry.”. Urgh. It was awful. Watch out girls!

Maybe I've been in ketosis too long but I keep getting these sporadic, gushing moments of entirely sincere thankfulness for the things I have. It is bizarre. Usually to myself. Usually when I'm by myself. I was sat in my car on the way home tonight saying 'I am so happy. I am so lucky. I love my job. I love my family. I love my studies. I love feeling good about myself. Everything is so positive. Lighterlife is fantastic. A is all I could ask for. I am achieving things I have always wanted to achieve.”. I had just filled my car with petrol though, so maybe the petrol fumes had got to me. Seriously, I am so not that kind of person. It's so weird, it's as if I get a tiny little glimpse in to what it'd be like to take ecstasy. Sheer giddiness and delight at how much there is out there to achieve. Fantastic Britain, glorious Lighterlife.

Fucking mental though I sound, it really is all down to Lighterlife. I used to have no goals before I started. I remember my counsellor telling us we had to set long-term and short-term goals at the beginning of Foundation and I was like 'Errrr...what's the point? I don't have any, so I'm not going to make them up for the sake of it.'. The thing is, I want to tell you that now I am really motivated by self-improvement, I enjoy it and it's because I have lost weight...but that doesn't even make sense to me because I don't understand how getting into a pair of size 14 jeans makes me want to fulfil my potential. You guys know I'm all into crazy stuff like veganism, running, studying...fuck loads.

Well, let's put it this way: all I know is that I went to town on Sunday and I bought a sports bra and a vegan cookbook. Thought nothing of it, that's just wanted I needed (the former) and wanted (the latter). If you told me that a year ago, I'd have laughed in your face because those things were only pipe dreams to me then. Fanciful things for idle moments that I'd never dream of actually attempting. (My pipe dreams also included living on a houseboat and getting a cat, so watch this space.)

I was thinking about what I said to you about people saying I was trying to restrict my food choices last night after reading the cookbook I bought (How It All Vegan by Tanya Barnard and Sarah Kramer, since you ask). See I guess if you think about food in the conventional sense, it would seem that way...BUT (and this is a big but) I haven't been thinking about food in the conventional sense for a good six months now. I read How It All Vegan and it excites me. I'm not thinking 'Oh God, how am I going to survive without scotch eggs, toffee crisps and macaroni and cheese?', I'm thinking 'I want to try making apple bran muffins and banana pancakes and vegetable stew and black bean salsa. I want to learn how to cook tofu. I want to eat miso.'. People see it as closing down on real life but I haven't been part of the real life for a long time. The way I see it, a whole world is opening up to me (must be those petrol fumes again). I am so eager to get going on this. Sorry Lighterlife people. I bet you google “How much does Lighterlife cost” or something and end up listening to me ramble on about fucking soybeans or some shit.

Comments

Day 199 Week 30 (My weeks have messed up some how?)

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 22:24:17 +0100

Shiiiiit, so here I sit on the eve before my 200th day! And how like every other it has been!

I finished my exams on Wednesday and came back home. I miss my Travelodge bed. Lighterlife while I was away was fine. Eating so early in the morning before my exams put me a bit out of whack but we're all back to normal now! I've become hooked on Travelodge's little sachets of decaff coffee. Totally gonna buy a jar tomorrow. OMG, put one in a vanilla milkshake! Seriously, you have to. It is FABULOUS.

Water was a bit of an issue. I'm pee paranoid and as soon as I'm in a situation where there is no loo, guess what? I need to pee! Sooo...the car journey was set to be a challenge and I kept remembering my teachers at school saying stuff like “5% dehydrated, 25% less concentrated”. I had visions of myself fainting in the exams from lack of water or wasting valuable time trotting down the corridor to the toilets. Extremes of course.

Yeah, I do drink a lot but my crazy-fool mind doesn't help much. Let's just say I didn't piss myself or keel over but I did finish both exams with my legs crossed and with a trip to the ladies' in my thoughts.

The end of this week has been so nice because I haven't had to work or study. I've been dreaming about a day without those things since, like, October! I feel a bit weird not having to be the girl who knows everything in the world about land law.

I went to the zoo today as part of my “End of Exam Long Weekend of Fun”. I went with the Boy – let's give him a name, eh? Let's call him A. That'll work...might get a bit depressing with I get to boyfriend Z though! Anyway, he had a cream tea while I nibbled on my cranberry bar and sipped black tea. Sigh.

We talked a lot about my future plans for veganism. It seems strange but we often talk about that. He's genuinely interested (it seems) and has an intuitive knack for offering support. He's usually the one that brings it up to be honest. More than one person recently has suggested or implied that I'm considering veganism as a way to 'limit' my future food choices but, as A knows from our numerous talks, when I think about the future it's never in a restrictive way. I think about recipes, cooking methods, eating out, things I want to try, ingredients, exotic cuisine. I very rarely think 'well, I can't eat chocolate, ice cream, cakes...'. Even if I do, it's more like (and this is a recent thought I've had): 'I think I'll miss cream eggs but they do make vegan chocolate and Green & Black's dark chocolate is vegan'. (note to hardcore vegans: I am aware of the recent issue with the addition on the label!)

I'm fairly happy with the home cooking idea. I have ordered a couple of books from Amazon and found a great website: http://www.vegancoach.com/ (So great. Really useful info on foods like quinoa as well as a list of complimentary foods, so you can make your own recipes). My new project is looking at menus when I visit places (the zoo, Little Chef, pubs) and seeing (a) if they have anything vegan (onion rings, chips, beans on toast) or (b) if I could ask them to leave anything off/switch anything to make it vegan. I'm hoping that the more I practice this while I'm abstaining the more confident I'll get that it is possible to eat out whilst vegan.

I keep looking forward to the summer and thinking about things like picnics in the forest especially: carrots, cucumber, celery, peppers, hummus, pitta bread, guacamole, strawberries, raspberries, apples, nachos, salsa. I have, of course, ridiculously romantic images of prancing around in flimsy dresses and sandals with gorgeous, tousled sun-kissed hair. Oh dear. Foolish notions.

Oh and someone told me what stroganoff was! They weren't vegan or even vegetarian but it gave me some ideas. Apparently it's like stew but kinda sticky and with rice in? Now that sounds like my kinda meal! I like the idea of putting a lot of stuff in a pot with some rice.

I'm considering trying to reacquaint myself with mushrooms. I don't like them but I read on the internet (always a good way to start a convincing argument) that “mushrooms are nature's meat”. Now, see I would think meat was nature's meat but hey, I can't eat meat so I'm not gonna push it.

Anyway, best be off now. Just wanted to tell you one last thing. I got up at 8am this morning before I went to the zoo, so I could go jogging. It was freezing and pissing it down. I did my warm up and started to jog when I car shot past me and I got wet. Ah, fair enough, I thought...gonna happen when it's wet. A little later I stopped to stretch against a fence with my back to the road. It was only spitting at this point. I was listening to my music quite loudly, so I only heard the bus at the last minute. You know where this is going. My legs, my arse, my back, my neck, my hair and one ear. Fucking soaked. Nasty, dirty, shitey water dripping down my bare neck. Oh nastiness. My hair smelt like drains. Oh my days.

Oh, and here's my weight loss. You know I haven't cheated as well!

Week 1    18st 11lb (start weight)
Week 2    5lb (18st 6lb)
Week 3    3lb (18st 3lb)
Week 4    3lb (18st)
Week 5    3lb (17st 11lb)
Week 6    5lb (17st 6lb)
Week 7    4lb (17st 2lb)
Week 8    5lb (16st 11lb)
Week 9    3lb (16st 8lb)
Week 10 4lb (16st 4lb)
Week 11  3lb (16st 1lb)
Week 12 5lb (15st 10lb)
Week 13  4lb (15st 6lb)
Week 14 2lb (15st 4lb)
Week 15 5lb (14st 13lb)
Week 16 2lb (14st 11lb)
Week 17 2lb (14st 9lb)
Week 18 4lb (14st 5lb)
Week 19 3lb (14st 2lb)
Week 20 4lb (13st 12lb)
Week 21 4lb (13st 8lb)
Week 22 2lb (13st 6lb)
Week 23 4lb (13st 2lb)
Week 24 - Fratellis Gig!
Week 25 - 7lb (12st 9lb)
Week 26 - 3lb (12st 6lb)
Week 27 - 3lb (12st 3lb)
Week 28 - 3 1/2lb (11st 13 1/2lb)
Week 29 - 1/2lb (11st 13lb)
Week 30 - Exams!

Comments

Day 195 Week 28

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 00:26:47 +0100

So, here I am sat in my comfy, warm Travelodge bed. One exam down, another to go. On Wednesday, luckily, so I feel like I can give myself a bit of a break now. Just drunk my upteenth cup of decaff coffee, which I am LOVING by the way.

Things have been pretty mental this past month. I'll try and fill the gaps I've left – in a vague stab at orderliness!

Let's first of all say that I am in a much happier place than my last blog entry! Got my first exam out off the way (piss easy) and much less stressed.

Right, so! The Christmas party and Christmas generally. Well, I found a gorgeous dress in Monsoon. Dress shopping itself was utterly fabulous. I felt like a princess rushing around with armfuls of satin and sparkle. I was so grateful to my mum for giving me the money. It really did wonders for my confidence as I stood infront of the mirror in my emerald green prettiness thinking “God, I am so lucky to be able to wear this dress...no, hang on, wait..it's not luck, I did this. This is will power and determination. I deserve this. I worked hard for this.'. It felt like an affirmation of all that I had achieved.

There were so many shocked faces at the party. People I had pretty much forgotten about from our offices had wide eyes and grins when they saw me – even people from my office seemed amazed to be honest! I was running late meeting my friends at the train station before the party and rushed in wearing my tiara, dress and faux fur shrug (not thinking this was at all strange at the time) and I heard a guy say 'oh wow' as I strode past. Oh wow, at me! Once again – thank you mummy, thank you Monsoon and thank you Lighterlife!! I love you!

At the Christmas party I had a pot of tea while the others ate their meals. Fortunately there was a Frank Sinatra impersonator on stage while dinner was served and so I was able to groove about while I sipped away. I didn't feel in the slightest bit awkward or deprived. I couldn't tell you how the others felt though! The staff at the hotel were great food (or non-food) wise. The one thing I did wish I could have was booze though. Everyone got completely wasted and wanted to dance the night away but it's hard to get your groove on with no alcoholic lubrication. The drunkards were waving their arms about going “ah mate, I love this song...come on, come on, just come up here and we'll do some dancing, yeah?” to things like Return of the Mac and I was so not feeling it. In the end I decided to pretend I was drunk and make with the dirty dancing. It worked a treat. I'm not sure how I stopped being self conscious but I had a lot of fun.

In the rush of getting ready before the party I forgotten to eat a foodpack and so by home time I hadn't eaten for a good twelve hours, had danced for about three consecutive hours and hadn't drunk nearly enough. When I was in the taxi home (Bournemouth to Southampton, not the shortest journey) I felt like I was going to die and be sick – in that order. I felt absolutely terrible. It felt like a mixture between travel sickness and booze sickness...but I was sober! My boss had to ask the taxi driver to stop and bought me some water and painkillers. What a hero. I still felt awful after that and so my boss told me I shouldn't drive and asked the taxi driver to take me home (I thought being able to drive home sober was brilliant but so much for that!). They were both absolute angels that night. I think it was just lack of food and too much dancing. I got through the door and couldn't make it up the stairs. I sat curled up on the third step up sipping water with my eyes closed for a good thirty minutes. I learnt an important lesson that night: when you only eat 500 calories a day, make sure you do actually eat them!!

So yeah, fantastic Christmas party but not so fantastic journey home. I vividly remember saying in the midst of my battle to stay lucid “the Daily Mail would have a field day if they saw me now”.

Christmas wasn't at all the gut wrenching torture Lighterlife warned us about. To be honest, yes there were a few more goodies about than usual but it didn't change how I felt. Food is hardly an object now. I don't stop at the food counter in cafes, I rarely go in the kitchen cupboards, I don't bat an eyelid when my dad gets a take away. I had a chicken soup at the table with my parents while they ate their Christmas dinner. I think the only thing that bothered me was that the days seemed longer with less eating. In a normal week I have a routine and my day is filled with working and studying, so I don't notice the time. Christmas took away my routine and left me wondering when to eat. I also wanted to time my meals with my parent's if it was possible, so that I didn't end up sitting there having to smell whatever tasty treat they had.

My fellow Lighterlifers all had intentions to deviate from abstinence in the Christmas season but you know me – do it once, do it right. I didn't even eat for my birthday, I wasn't gonna eat for Jesus' birthday! I made it, it was okay.

A little sumthin-sumthin made the festive period a whole lot sweeter though, I must admit! I met a boy! A nice one! I met him in the middle of December through a friend. It was a bit weird not having the 'fat' label at first. It was hard for me to realise that to him I must have just been a nice girl, not a nice girl who is fat. It took me some time to realise I could wear sexy underwear and not feel like fraud. I told him about Lighterlife and he was interested and impressed rather than cynical and scornful (the usual response!). We went here, there and everywhere and I would have a bar while he got a sandwich or burger. I am quite pleased it's not a big deal to him and he doesn't treat me like an alien. At first he would forget and ask 'what do you want for lunch' or 'would you like some orange juice?' and I'd be like 'errrr....can only have water, remember?'. I quite enjoy (sad, I know) having a black tea while he eats. It makes me feel like I'm having something special.

One thing I will say before we venture in to the world of TMI though – my once boutiful boobs are now mere spaniel ears. While they do look smokin' in the aforementioned sexy underwear, they look positively mournful out of it. That was something that bothered me and made me feel ugly.

So the boy is very in to things like fencing, boxing, martial arts and running. Very fit, very athletic. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence but I have been trying really hard to work out a way of being able to afford to go to the gym. Turns out I can't afford it. Meh. My colleagues and I decided we'd try boxecise instead (lots of patronising coos from the boy who does 'proper' boxing), which is on a Wednesday night. I can't go until next week though, as I won't be back home in time this week.

I have, however, started running and shock of all shocks, I enjoy it!! And I am improving!! It's amazing. The craziest thing is – it makes me feel good. I start off feeling cold and awkward but once I get going I get such a buzz out of doing well. By the time I get home I feel great. I stretch (over-enthusiastically...always), have a shower and put something cosy on and then I relax. I get such a feeling of wellbeing. I love it.

So how much have I lost now? Well, I can't give you a week by week break down because I left my record card at home but I can tell you it's about 7st. My counsellor wants me to stop when I weigh 11st but my goal has always been 10st 4lb, which is what my doctor originally said was healthy for my height (5” 6 ½'). People delight (it seems) in telling me I should stop, that I'm becoming obsessive and that I look “too thin”...too thin? Are they mad? I look normal ffs!

Various individuals have told me the reason I want to become vegan is about controlling what I eat. News to me. I never think of it in a restrictive way though. I think 'I want to learn to cook chickpea and lentil curry' or 'I wonder how you use tofu in stiry-fry'. Have yet to ask my counsellor about the whole shebang. We'll see, eh?

Think that's everything. I'll let you know if I have forgotten anything!

Comments

Day 157 Week 22

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:02:49 +0100

Sorry for being absent. I have a mock exam on 18 December and then two real exams on the week commencing 19 January. Been hectic with assignments and revision. Seriously, I do not want it to be Christmas. I do not want it to be any time of year. I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep and not get up again until spring.

So many things are pressing down on me at the moment: my mum (she had cancer a few years ago and the doctors have called her in unexpectedly and she is worried), lighterlife, exams, Christmas, money. They talked about support tonight at group and instead of it making me feel confident and happy, it made me realise I don't have any support. Not just for lighterlife though, for everything. All these worries and stresses I have, there is no one I can tell. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that shit, well yeah, I have no share, I have no halved.

Headache. Unhappiness.

Lighterlife isn't a problem though. Y'know, losing weight, abstaining, all good. It's just this talk of Christmas and, of course, I want to stay abstinent. I just think I'm setting myself up for a fall - like always of course. More impossible missions to undertake. Why?? Be vegan, be a lawyer, be abstinent, buy this, buy that, go to China, move out. ARGHHHHHHH. And don't you, Lighterlife, fricking rub it in my face on the fricking 2nd of December that I am going to be torturing myself to the entire festive period and then, to add insult to injury, parade around in front of me telling me I have no support!

And of course, I have to cram my head with my entire Land Law manual before Christmas in order to take my mock exam. =(((

God, I shouldn't blog when I am in a mood!

Anyway, when I'm feeling happier, ask my about The Lovely Dress.

Here's how I'm doing by the way:

Apparently there is going to be a Kill It, Cook It, Eat It Christmas Special. Hurrah. I would like to watch that. I just hope it is on after my exam.

Time to go. Sorry for the mood. I will try and be happier, I promise.

Comments

Day 147 Week 21

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 18:35:14 +0100

You know what? I really hate facebook. You're minding your own business looking at pictures of a night out you never went on and then all of a sudden you're looking up ex-boyfriends only to see they're going out with another pretty young thing with perfect skin and hair and you end up thinking 'man, my life is shit'. Say what?? So from one photo of a boyfriend-you-broke-up-with four years ago you can tell their life is better than yours? Riiiight, LLGirl, you're making sense. Why do I equate being boyfriendless to total failure? It's ridiculous, I don't even have time for a boyfriend at the moment. I spend nearly every waking moment working, driving, sleeping or studying. Thassit.

Urrrrrggghhhhh...I am fed up with setting myself up for impossible missions: losing 8st, becoming vegan, not eating for months on end, becoming a fucking solicitor. Why can't I just sit down somewhere and watch telly and eat what I fucking want. At the moment I constantly feel like I'm in an uphill struggle. If I'm not worrying about failing my exams (I did spend four hours solid in a library today. Saturday.), it's money, what I'm going to tell people at the Christmas party when we sit down to our billion course meal or my goddamn BINGO WINGS!! I DON'T EVEN PLAY BINGO!

I have the body of a size 18 person and the arms of a size 26 person. The girls at work call bingo wings 'nanny bye-byes'. Well, I certainly want to say bye-bye to them. I have started doing arm exercise in my room in an attempt to get the sheer massiveness of my arms under control.

So the other day I wanted to tell you about something but ran out of time. The theme of our work Christmas party is Las Vegas and the dress code is black tie and diamonds (the crafty social events people seem to pick a 'let's-pretend-it's-fancy-dress-but-really-it's-just-black-tie' theme). Fuck that, I originally thought. You want Las Vegas, you'll get Las Vegas. So seeing as I had already accumulated an entire Pat Butcher outfit for a Halloween party that never happened, I decided I would go as a Snowbird (despite half the people I told not knowing what one was)! A Snowbird is a retired person who trots off to their nice warm second home during the winter months. They go to Vegas and you can't pry the damn things off the slot machines. So I thought: Pat outfit + sun visor + 'fanny pack' + grey wig + nanny bye-byes + slot machine made out of a cereal pack = Snowbird!

So, days go by. I get quite excited about wearing my Pat outfit at long last and laugh at the thought of all the solicitors turning up in their boring bow-ties and suits and me looking like a bloody idiot. Then the other day I was talking to my mum while she got ready for work. Her and daddy had gone to the casino (again) and won loads of money (again). 'Wow, whoopie-do, how brilliant for you,' I half-moan. I never really enjoy hearing that they've won loads of money when I haven't. So we carry on talking and the Christmas party comes up. I tell my mum how my new colleagues are going as a showgirl and a rich lady and how the dress code is black tie and diamonds. My mum says I have to go as a rich lady too and I say 'No, I'm going as a snowbird! I can't afford to buy a dress and shoes and all that stuff. I already have the Pat outfit. I won't have to spend anything then. Lighterlife is ruining my Christmas!' and my mum starts going on about how I can borrow money from her and I say 'No because if I borrow money I'll get behind on my saving plan and I have to save up to go to China to hug a panda because that is my plan. Stupid Lighterlife asking us what we want to do before we are 80. I already had that plan.' (the China thing another one of my impossible missions that I have set myself) 'Yeah, stupid Lighterlife,' my mum says in a mocking tone as if she doesn't have a clue what I'm on about and then we start talking about pandas and my mum queries if you can actually hug them. Yes you can, in Cheng Du panda reserve. Youtube it. Seriously.

So anyway, I left because I had to study. A little while later my mum knocked on my door and said she had something for me. I thought it was going to be a Steiff panda because daddy had bought her one earlier in the day (they decided to go on a shopping spree because they won money at the casino). I scramble up to open the door and my mum is stood there with a load of folded up notes. 'This is for your Christmas party. You have to buy a nice dress with it. You have to look like no-one will have seen you look before.' and I said 'Mummy, you don't have to give me money?' and she said 'I know but me and daddy had a big win and we wanted to give you some'. So I gave my mum a big hug and said thank you.

Screw you, snowbird. It's all about the glam now.

Apart from my prom dress I haven't really ever bought a 'nice dress' before. I bought one that was £50 from Evans last summer for a wedding and felt like I was wearing a couture gown but looking back it wasn't a nice dress, it was a fat person's moomoo. My boyfriend of the time paid for half because he knew how anxious I was about getting something to wear and not knowing anyone there and how a nice dress would make me feel more confident. That was nice of him.

I can't start looking or buying anything at the moment though because I will probably be a size smaller by the party. I'm quite excited about it but I feel like I'm letting my colleagues down a bit because they still want to be silly and pin paper money to themselves and wear feather boas but now I'm more in the mood to wow people and look fabulous. I feel a bit like a cheat. They said I should pay a hairdresser to give me a big beehive up do (my idea, lol), so that I look super fabulous. I was considering it.

At least I can wear those magic pants or whatever they are called and not have to worry about feeling like I'm suffocating after my dinner. My friend Kylie said she felt like she was going to die after eating a meal in them!

I want to get a tiara, sparkly rings, a sparkly necklace, sparkly shoes! I want to be fabulous! =D I've never really had a chance to shine before – not in a 'fabulous' way. I wore a Vicky Pollard costume to a Halloween party at the height of my fatness and everyone cheered as I walked in and I felt like a star and I cherished that moment in the spotlight but it was all wrong. The Kappa jacket I was wearing was skin tight and it clung to my bulging stomach like I was pregnant. Yes, I looked good but for the wrong reason. I was probably fatter than Matt Lucas. I still keep the picture up to remind me just how fat I was.

I have looked on the Oasis website and they have some nice dresses. I don't know what style or colours will suit me. I think I need to have a massive trying on session. It's so exciting. I'm really thankful to my mum and dad for letting me have this little moment. I was all ready to wear my Pat outfit and stuff a pillow down my top (no really, I was) and look frumpy while everyone put on their best togs.

Yay for me.

Comments

Day 145 Week 20

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 23:58:30 +0100

So, have I got a photo to show you! (EDIT: I had to resize these pics, hope they look okay)

Here's what I looked like at week 11, to refresh your memory:

Here is me on Saturday or Sunday (I can't remember), week 20:

Now, bearing in mind I used to wear that skirt nearly everyday and at one point it got too tight for me...

...that's all I'm saying.

I'm gonna keep the bastard skirt forever and if it ever fits me again, I'm gonna chop my fingers off.

Also please note the stretch marks, french manicure, lizard and Morrissey t-shirt. Heh, it's like Where's Wally?. Morrissey t-shirt is actually in the background of both of them. Well, I told you guys I hang it up and look at it!

Here's how I've done anyway:

WOO HOO!!!

Mum's on the straight and narrow after turning up on Tuesday after her noteable absence and putting on half a pound. The still-putting-Worcester-sauce-in-her-soup-and-milk-in-her-tea straight and narrow mind, but hey, I'm a stickler for rules.

Anyway, gotta get up early.

Nightie night.

P.S. I am genuinely in love with Sylar off Heroes. He is the sexiest person in existence. My future husband is a toss up between him and Stephen Fry.

Comments

Day 138 Week 19

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:20:48 +0100

So my hair has started falling out. Not in clumps (thank God) but every time I run my fingers through it strands fall out. I have exceptionally long hair in the first place and so am used to it to some extent but this is making me crazy. To touch it, it feels like nothing is there. I don't think it looks too bad but I cringe every time I have to feel it. I am used to thick, crazy, messy hair and now I feel like I have lanky streaks of nothingness hanging limply from my head. This has only been going on for about a week but I am paraoid already. I've read loads of 'oh you won't go bald' and 'it stops after a while' messages on lighterlife forums but it doesn't really make me feel any better. I know two other women in my group are losing their hair too. Losing, thinning, whatever.

Never one to hang around, I have bought some 'Perfectil' from Boots. I don't know if you are allowed to take them while on lighterlife but I read on some forums that people were taking 'skin, hair and nails' tablets and these say that on them! (Oh my days, isn't it worrying what you'll believe on the internet?) I have taken one a day for two days so far. Obviously not seen any results yet. I will let you know.

It's not awful but it's not great either. I am seriously considering getting my hair cut. That's a big thing for me by the way, I have had very, very long hair for ages. I always thought of it as 'my thing' - like, I wasn't just 'the fat girl', I was 'the fat girl with really long hair'. I guess I don't need it any more the way I used to but I still liked my hair.

Come to think of it, how many lighterlife 'poster girls' have you seen with long hair? I can't think of any. Coincidence? Nah, I'm just scaremongering.

Like I say, I have the perfectil, I will keep you posted.

My mum is complaining about hair loss too. What a fucking joke. She isn't even on the programme!

So anyway, group on Tuesday. Here's how things stand:

Remember when I was so happy that I had lost 4st? 5st is incredible! Still. Want. To. Be. Thinner.

Urgh, I just can't stop worrying about my hair. Don't people say worrying makes you lose hair anyway or something? Vicious circle.

I guess the things I need to bear in mind are:

1. It will not last.

2. I hung in there with the irregular periods and they went anyway. (Now that was rather alarming seeing as I hadn't had one for two years)

Update on the mum situation:

Yesterday she said she was going to start back on food packs today.

Today she ate a curry from the Chinese takeaway. Apparently she is going to start tomorrow. 'That's what you said yesterday' I told her 'you are full of hot air'.

Comments

Day 135 Week 19

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 23:06:37 +0100

Group tomorrow! Will my mum go? Who knows. She hasn't said anything yet but I usually get a note left for me before I leave or - even worse - a text midway through the day.

Mindbafflingly bizarre, on Sunday my mum asked my dad to buy her loads of soup when he went shopping. "Lighterlife do soup, you know" I informed her. "Yeah but I just want to live on soup," she said. "Here's a thought, why don't you eat Lighterlife soup then?" I asked. Lead fucking balloon, I tell ya - bearing in mind, of course, that she was eating some kind of fruit sundae covered in squirty cream while she said this. I feel like I should do stand up like Jane off Eastenders. I'll call myself LLGirl's Mum's Daughter.

I bought some peppermint tea during my Asda recon mission. It's actually really nice. I don't know why but I was expecting it to be awful and taste like soggy oak leaves, grass clippings and mint imperials. When you first drink it, it is not minty and just tastes like green tea but there is a sweet mint aftertaste that is really enjoyable. Nothing harsh - not like a trebor mint or anything! You know my great uncle used to feed me those as a toddler, how weird/mean is that?

I got all Nigella on its ass and left a cup of peppermint tea brewing in the fridge. Later I got two chocolate milkshakes and made them up using the cold peppermint tea. Oh my days it was wonderful. Such tastebud exctasy should not be legal.

OMG!! I just realised - I haven't told you about the TOMATO SOUP have I?!? TOMATO SOUP!!! After literally months of agonising wait and false starts we finally got our tomato soup on Thursday night. I rushed home to have my first taste (I have been fantasising about tomato for weeks and weeks now). I am only slightly exaggerating when I say that I nearly creamed my pants when I stuck my tongue in to the sachet of tomato soup power (no, I couldn't wait for the kettle to boil). It was like a tangy, sensory rainbow gushing forth on to my tongue. Hand on heart, it was the best thing I have ever tasted. Gen-fucking-uinely. If everything is going to be like this when I start to eat, I think I am going to die of exhaustion.

I think this goes to show either:

a) I am going freaking stir-crazy living on strawberry shakes, vanilla shakes and peanut bars; or

b) My diet of kit-kats, Pepsi Max, pizzas and Ben and Jerry's had fucked my tastebuds big time.

Perhaps it is both. Maybe tomato soup was to me what crack is to LiLo?

Anyway, Easties is on now. I am dying to know who ran over Max. I thought it was Lauren or Peter then Bradley then Tanya...now I have no idea.

Comments

Day 134 Week 19

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 02:04:02 +0100

So I'm a third of my way through my second hundred days. Go me. So by my estimation my second hundred days should finish in the middle of January. I doubt I'll be done though. I think I will need a month or so more.

My mum didn't go to group on Tuesday, despite telling me she was going to have 'a good week' and only eat on her birthday. Her excuse? She was waiting for her sewing machine to be delivered and she'd 'be too busy playing with it to go'. That's dedication for you. I don't even know how our counsellor still lets her be part of the group! Anyway, here's how things are:

Annoyingly, I have stayed at 14st 2lb since group, which was, like, four days ago. Sigh. I am happy with 3lb though. 3lb is progress. I wonder if I can break in to the 13st region next week?

I decided to go to my mum's birthday meal in the end. I had bought her loads of presents and arranged for flowers to be delivered to make her day special and it just seemed a bit silly to spend so much effort making her day nice to then be petulant and childish. I decided it was only a couple of hours, I could get through it. It turned out to be fine. I didn't feel at all awkward (I don't know about the others though!). I had a bottle of water and when everyone ordered their main course (it was a buffet though! I was right!) I ordered a pot of Chinese tea. It was alright, the tea pacified my sensitive tastebuds and everyone else tucked in to their food. The only problem came when the waitress shredded up a duck in front of me. Like I say, I'm a vegetarian anyhoo and so was the man sat opposite me and (I don't know if you meat eaters realise this but...) duck stinks. I'm okay with meat most of the time but duck is way stinky and this girl was going at it hammer and tongs right in the middle of me and him. The veggie man just got up and walked off. I turned to face the other direction and put my hair over my nose (effective method of stink removal).

Credit where credit's due, my mum didn't have a main course (though I would point out that this was a buffet and so her starter was big enough for three people. And the rest.)

I thought the whole meal would be torturous but it really wasn't. So I would say to anyone that's put off doing lighterlife because of things like that - eat before you go, keep your drink topped up and it'll be fine. Hurrah. I did put a bar in my handbag just in case I got tempted but I didn't need it.

A lovely thing happened while I was getting ready for my mum's meal. I discovered that the Tiffany necklace my parents bought me for my 21st birthday fits me! When I received it, it was unwearable. The chain is fairly short and it cut in to my fat neck like cheesewire. It has a celtic knot pendant that is suppose to sit nicely somewhere below that boney area but back last year it looked more like a choker (fitting really, as it was actually choking me also). It looked ridiculous. I felt ridiculous. “LLGirl, the fat whale, can't even wear her birthday present because she is too fat.”

Well, all that's changed now! I noticed my friend at work that day was wearing her Tiffany bracelet (also a 21^st birthday present) and so when I was rooting around for some jewellery to wear to the meal, on a whim, I tried it on. Joy upon joys, it just sits there nicely. No chaffing, no muffin top of neck fat bulging over a straining chain– just a lovely, elegant necklace sitting as a necklace should. I have been so pleased that I haven't taken it off since. I have a whole year's worth of wear to get through!

This diet never ceases to amaze me. There are so many things you give up and forget about as you put on weight – high heels, rollercoasters, nice clothes (take your pick) – and one by one I am slowly reclaiming these things. Even stupid little things you don't think about like my necklace, squeezing through a turnstyle, sitting cross-legged on chair or putting your handbag over your shoulder (the straps on bags from normal shops are too small usually. Evans, however, even do Fat People hangbags.). I noticed that some of my old bracelets are too big now as well. I didn't even realise I had lost any weight from my wrists. Oh my days.

The last thing I wanted to tell you guys about this evening is my vegan adventure. After going to town today and buying yet-another-top-that-doesn't-fit from New Look (my excuse this time is that it had Led Zeppelin on it), I went to Asda because my mum had bought a nice blouse there for £8 and I wanted to get it too. After I got it, I strolled up and down the aisles looking for vegan food. To my surprise Adsa did sell some specialist products – soy milk, soy deserts, diary-free custard (cool!), quinoa, vegan mayo, some stodgy looking Italian squidgy stuff that beings with 'p' but that I have forgotten the name of, diary free flapjacks – and of course the basics like fruit, veg, dried pulses and canned pulses. Some ordinary foods are 'accidentally' (I suppose) vegan too – soups, nachos, salsa, crisps (original pringles for example...or is it paprika, I forget), bread etc. It was lacking in vegan lunch 'meats', soy yoghurts, cheese replacements, tofu, TVP, tempeh etc.

Amazingly though, as if by freaking fate, I have discovered that the shiddy organic farm literally a few minutes down the road from me is vegan heaven! Who'd have thought it? I have never even been there because I thought it'd be all over-priced sausages and smelly old cabbage and to some extent it is but oh my days. I went in there after my hour and a half long inspection of Asda and it is brilliant. They have everything you could possibly want: nut butters, vegan jelly, tempeh, numerous different forms of tofu (including hot dogs, much to my joy), molasses, cheese replacements, soy yoghurts, miso soup, every dried pulse you can think of, nutritional yeast, fruit spreads, sprouted loaves, wonderous pates and lots more. It was a real eye opener and motivator. It is literally on my doorstep (Oh LLGirl, what an awful misuse of he word 'literally'). I can buy the easy stuff from the supermarket – fruit, veg, pulses, spices etc – and then buy my vegan goodies from the farm shop. Hooray.

I wonder what my next step should be. I have scouted both places out and it is 3 ½ months before I start reintroducing food (if all goes well). I would like to start trying to cook things so I don't end up eating lukewarm/charcoaled food for months after my journey but I don't really have anyone to cook for and I wouldn't even be able to have a quick taste to see if it's cooked or well seasoned.

Another thing I was thinking of doing was buying the odd bit here and there so that I don't get a massive shock from my first shopping trip. Hopefully stuff keeps.

Well, I know what's available. So far so good. (Would you believe I typed 'food' then and had to retype it!) Not sure of my next step.

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Day 129 Week 18

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 00:27:23 +0100

I've been thinking about becoming vegan. I don't know if I've mentioned it before.

I've been vegetarian for about five years now. Firstly for moral reasons (I got brainwashed as a teenager) and after a brief spell of rebellion - I became obsessed with meat as some 'forbidden fruit' but then after taking a bite of a meat feast pizza discovered (a) meat makes me sick and (b) meat is disgusting - for more pratical reasons.

Veganism has been something I have been curious about during those five years and especially over the past two years. I kept this interest to myself though as I thought most people would scoff if I mentioned it. 'No chocolate? No cake? No nachos covered in cheese?', 'Oh my God, what are you going to eat? You can't live off chips, you know' and the obligatory 'They're not going to stop killing cows just because you aren't eating them. We have incisors for a reason.' etc.

I couldn't even tell them definitely why I want to do it. I don't know myself. I would be lying if I told you it was because I care deeply about animal welfare - obviously I do care and probably more than your average Joe (Kentuckyfriendcruelty.com et al) but I couldn't reel off statistics at you or preach the good word veg because, quite frankly, I don't care what you eat. I just don't want all that shit on my conscience. (warning: start of rant) I really don't like it when people get all argumentative about it. Like I say, I'm not a militant, I won't go 'did you know that in slaughterhouses...' at the dinner table if I'm sat with people eating meat, I keep myself to myself. What I hate though is when people go 'So why are you vegetarian though? Because I saw on telly X, Y and Z and they say if we don't keep animals to eat they'll all die out and blah blah blah' (who the fuck is this ubiquitous 'they' by the way?) and I'll say 'No, it's not to do with that. I don't really want to talk about it.' and they'll go 'No, come on then. Is it because of so-and-so because I could kill an animal if I had to etc' and get all aggressive and arsey and I just think 'piss off, okay? I don't grill you on the reasons why you smoke or why you haven't dabbled in cross-dressing, do I?'. It's me and what I think, not the meat industry, not the animals, not whether I could fucking gut a fish (which totally counts as meat for all those lame-ass people who don't eat meat but think fish is okay...sealife not seafood). It is a choice I have made and choose to stick by whether it is logical or not, in your grand opinion, and to be honest it doesn't affect you at all, so shut up. That's what I'd like to say. 'No, go on, I like a good debate' they say. It's not about being right or wrong - if I don't want to eat a sausage roll, I won't. I doesn't mean I have to make you stop eating them too. Grrr! They do my head in. (end of rant)

So yeah, veganism may make me prone to alot more of that. There'll also, of course, be the whole 'You're doing what? Oh my God, I bet you can't do it for longer than a month' thing but then after battling through my first few months of being veggie and the wonderous life experience I call Lighterlife, I realise that I am actually rather good at being stubborn.

I think if I had to take a stab at explaining why I am so interested in veganism, I think it's simply because I don't like the thought of having animal products in my body. Milk gives me the creeps (I blame PETA's 'Got Pus?' campaign) and I just want to disassociate myself from it completely (I remember telling you how milk week turned my stomach). Eggs are slightly different. I can tell you now that I love the food produced from eggs - scrambled, fried, omelettes, boiled - I love it. The thing is I just don't feel very happy about having anything to do with treating the poor bloody animals like a dispensing machine. No, I don't have all the facts. No, I am probably wrong. No, I don't want to argue about it, that's just how I feel. That and the idea of a diet of fruit, veg, pulses, nuts and grains makes me feel really positive and excited. Invigorated. I love chickpeas, I love lentils, I love beans - I just have a passion and drive to learn about how to make a healthy diet out of these things. Obviously it will be a world away from what I used to eat but that isn't a bad thing.

I'm really interested in discovering new styles of cooking, new recipes, new ideas. When I have finished this bloody ridiculous diet, I want to do things my way. This is something I've wanted to do for a long time and I am going to seize my opportunity to do it. I think lighterlife's reintroduction to food will be the perfect time to ease myself in to veganism. It's not every day you get a completely clean slate with food. In the meantime I'm going to read, read, read (and hope I don't get too hungry) to find out about nutrition etc.

God, anyway, I am totally falling asleep at my keyboard now!

Reeeeally need to sleep. Night.

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Day 127 Week 18

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 18:03:28 +0100

You can tell I've been studying instead of going online at work, can't you? My posts have all but dried up! Well, I'm here now. Once again typing gingerly as I have wet nail polish. Already ballsed up my index finger and had to reapply, sigh.

Here's how I'm doing:

So last week's bellyaching has been quashed. I did go in to be weighed with my arms crossed and a very pouty face and gave my counsellor an earful about how I was so very resolutely abstinent and filled to the gills with water. She tried to pacify me by saying everyone gets fed up sometimes, even when they're eating food. I said I'd probably get fed up more often if I was eating. Then on to the scales I hopped and four pounds I had dropped. "13lb in four weeks, I'd say that was pretty good" my counsellor said - can't argue with that.

It's my mum's birthday next week (you know, the one who eats ice cream, Chinese take aways and cream cakes and fuck all of her foodpacks) and she told me she was going to tell our counsellor she is going to eat what she likes. I said she ate what she liked anyway. What irritates me is that I see her eating food all the time. I never see her eat foodpacks, although she tells me she eats her bars. However, at group she tells everyone the only slips she makes is eating yoghurts and drinking wine and she never does it in front of me. A lady said 'oh yeah, what about the Chinese take-away you had then?' jokingly and my mum said 'Oh no, I never had a Chinese take-away'. Like hell you haven't!! You had one on Sunday night, you cheeky sod!! It's making me look like an uptight little abstinence fascist when that's far from the truth. I don't give a monkeys if she eats or not (okay, I do), what I do care about a lot is trivialising what we are doing and fucking outright lying to our counsellor and the people in group I would consider to be my (sort of) friends. Doing this really means something to me and it's hard enough without her taking the piss. I told her I think she should go on Weight Watchers or something. This obviously isn't for her and she is wasting her money.

Later she told me that her, dad, my auntie and my uncle are going to a Chinese all you can eat buffet (which when I mention in group, she lies about and says is actually just a restaurant) for her birthday. She told me she wanted me to go. I said 'Errrr...no? Why would I want to watch you all stuffing you faces?' and she says 'Oh but LLGirl, it's my birthday. You can have just one day off.' (obviously she said my name, not LLGirl)...'No you can't!! That's the whole point of it. You abstain. Besides, I didn't eat on my own birthday, why would I eat on yours?'. I admit I was abit cross with her when we had this exchange and obviously I could have been more diplomatic. She got really guilt-trippy and later started telling everyone at group I was being mean to her and wouldn't go. Once again, I will say doing LL means a lot to me and I think it's unfair of her to (a) intentionally put me in an awkward and temptation-laden situation and (b) lead me astray but suggesting days off. Do it once and do it right, that's my motto.

Anyway, she told our counsellor and she said that was okay - this irritated me obviously because it clearly is not okay to 'take days off' in abstinence but whatever, our counsellor must just want our money. Okay, no, hang on - if someone was taking this seriously and did abstain but decided to have one single day of food, fair enough. That might be okay. Masquerading as aforesaid person when you actually eat shit all week, is not.

Enough of this. My mum is annoying me, basically. Don't even get me started on my dad making me go food shopping with him and then going 'Oh, you can't have any of this, can you?' or walking past the self-service salad station (that's alliteration for you) and going 'Remember when you could eat this? It's your favourite, isn't it?'. He'll be making something and I'll go 'Is that bacon there?' and he'll go 'Yeah...', offer a forkful and say '...why don't you have a bit?'. I will recoil in horror and disgust and say 'Daddy, there are two things wrong with that sentence: 1) I am a freaking vegetarian and 2) I am not eating!'. He really is working hard to lead me astray. It works with mummy (he's the one that buys her the goddamn fucking ice cream) but it won't work on me. What's his bloody problem anyway? What's wrong with losing weight? Oh, I should probably point out that my daddy wears XXXXL clothes and eats his rice krispies out of a fruit bowl.

Family do this, I do that. Anyway, moving on!

I bought a t-shirt at a Morrissey concert two years ago now (yes, he is a miserable sod). I told them to give me the biggest size they had (which turned out to be an XL). The t-shirt never fit me. It was skin, skin, skin tight and wouldn't even go over my belly. I used to half-joke that Morrissey must think all his fans are skinny if the biggest size they did was so stupidly small. I used to keep it on a hanger over my cupboard door because I liked to look at it and think that one day I would wear it. At the time it was the super-smallest piece of clothing I had in my wardrobe and getting there seemed impossible. Well, up until yesterday it still was. I tried it on in September and it was still tight around the boobs and belly (I could get it down at least). I took a picture of it on my phone with a view to uploading it here and telling you guys it was my goal to get into it. I tried it on this Friday morning on a whim and whoa, it was wearable! It is still pretty clingy around my belly but more in a 'hey, I'm wearing clothes that fit' way than a 'oh my days, look at that vacuum packed flab' way. I was so chuffed I wore it to work, I was abit conscious of the belly cling-age though so I wore a zip-up hoodie over it. I have this paranoia that I will lose my common sense regarding clothes and squeeze in to things that are far too small so I can prance saying 'Look! I'm wearing a size 16!' while everyone bites their lips and tries to keep their food down. Someone very, very close to home does this and seems to go down a dress size in trousers every week while their muffin top miraculously inflates. "I'm wearing size so-and-so jeans", uh yeah, we can tell - you shouldn't be.

Maybe I will leave the Moz top until it's a bit baggier - but then it's like a jumper I bought in a charity shop and kept in the 'doesn't fit yet' section of my wardrobe. I wore it over a shirt the other day because - quite frankly - it was bloody cold and I didn't care if it was a bit too small. I was wearing three layers and figured any unsightly lumps or bumps would get smoothed out. I went to work and three different people said to my "LLGirl!! You're wearing clothes that fit!' or "Oh my God, look at you! You can see how much you've lost when you wear clothes that fit!". So maybe my view of what's tight or what fits is skewed because I've spent the last god knows how long hiding under swathes of fabric and moomoos. (I don't really own a moomoo.)

I bought a size 18 top from New Look on Thursday because it had robots on it and was cheap - what is it with me and buying ill-fitting tops with robots on from New Look? Well, it doesn't fit at all. It's September Moz-top clingy. I just tried it on to make sure that statement is true: it's not done-up-like-a-kipper tight - you can't see the outline of my bra or anything but my rolls of back-fat are highlighted rather unattractively. The neck and shoulder area is okay, the boob area is too close for comfort but not puckering (good sign) and the belly area is not so good (belly held in is okay but hanging out isn't so grand). So my goal is to be wearing it by Christmas. Should have another stone off by then, so hopefully it's achievable. =)

End on a positive note. =) Turrah!

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Day 120 Week 16

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 12:55:32 +0200

Well, here's how things are breaking down (shit basically):

And you girls know I freaking haven't eaten a single thing. It's bollocks, complete and utter bollocks. It's not what I signed up for. I signed up for a stone a month and at this rate I'll be doing half of that and that means I won't be eating for another EIGHT MONTHS. Four I can deal with but EIGHT?! That'd be eleven in total, that's absurd. Constant deprivation and £66 a week for 2lb?!?! It's ridiculous. A stone a month is motivation. 3lb a week is fine, I'd be happy with that. That keeps me on track. 2lb a week is bollocks. Fuck 2lb a week. If this keeps up for longer than a month I think I will give up (well, I'd think about it at least). I know it's still 2lb and 2lb is better than nothing and I've done so well and I need to keep going but seriously - if it were you, would you pay £66 for 2lb? And give up every food you love and even those you don't?

This next bit is not weight loss related at all, so you can stop reading now if you wish!

So I finally got round to watching Legally Blonde 1 and 2 after Alicia3000 left me a comment with the (then) mysterious-sounding "snaps for you" quote. Firstly, phew, it's a good thing and secondly Lighterlife has something very similar - no doubt stolen from Elle - called strokes. Perhaps they should think about re-naming them to snaps to cut down on the snickers (not the food variety but oh my days, wouldn't it be nice?) when the DVD starts talking about giving yourself strokes.

So anyway, it turns out me and Elle have a bit in common - our burgeoning legal careers being one (okay, maybe hers more than mine but they did condense her years of studying in to a couple of hours), our admiration for Jackie O (how much do I covet Elle's first day outfit?!) and most importantly our love of French manicures! I am currently being very careful as I type because I have just put a clear coat of polish over the the lovely pinky-whiteness of last night's self-given French manicure. I just love the way they look - nice, crisp, clean.

I was actually watching Legally Blonde 1 the day before my birthday and halfway though got a sudden and gripping urge to call my local beauty salon and book a French manicure on the morning of my birthday. They were all booked up and so I went to a newly opened salon further down the street. All was going good, I got there, they took one look at my nails and declared them the 'most stained nails' they'd ever seen and told me there was no way I could have a French manicure. Now I wear nail varnish constantly, you will never seen me without a polish on and yes, my natural nails are fairly orange but I have no problem getting them to that gorgeous pinky hue myself. So I was pretty bummed, not really what you want to hear on your birthday. Instead I chose a zingy matt mauvey-pink colour that really popped. It looked alright at the time although I was a bit dubious about the application but it was chipped to buggery within two days - so I won't be going back there. On the Sunday evening (day two - supremely chipped) I resolved myself to the fact that I wouldn't be walking in to the office the next morning and say "Hey girls, don't you just love this colour of polish?", I took off the £20 crumby-ass polish and thought 'fuck it, I'll do it myself'.

Lol, so anyway...Elle is gorgeous and I love her hair. I wonder about her outfits sometimes but in general she is perfection. This could, of course, be the list of ways in which we differ!

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Day 115 Week 16

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 21:48:30 +0200

So something I've wanted to talk about: my tattoo.

I have a tattoo of a key with wings on my...left hip/bum/back area...it's hard to describe. It's covered by my pants but it's higher than my bum. Basically it's on that nice, big, fleshy, womanly bit us lovely women have that give us our hourglass shape. When I got it I thought 'fuck it, I don't care. It's hardly like I'm gonna lose this weight, is it?', which at the time seemed like a reasonable thing to say because, as a lot of you will know, you can diet and 'be good' and 'cut back' and all that shit and you still stay fat. I'd been fat my whole life. It seemed logical.

So anyway, I got it in early June and I started lighterlife in early July - I hadn't had it very long at all.

It. Is. Shrinking. Oh my days, how it is shrinking! It used to be a fair size, its width was (and not being near a ruler I will have to be imaginative) roughly the length of the tip of my index finger to just before the big knuckle. So what, like, three and a bit inches? Just measuring it against my index finger in the mirror now, it now goes to the second knuckle on the finger...so that's about two inches?

That's a lot! It used to fit the space quite nicely and wasn't massive but similarly wasn't dwarfed. Now, on the other other hand, it's a little scrunched up key floating on the expanse of my hip. The key used to have a visible white VW in the middle (yes, it was a Volkswagen tattoo. Yes, I am a GEEK!) but now it's just a black key. Stretched out wings now seem clipped. I have two thoughts about this:

(1) My counsellor says you should give the skin a year to 'snap back'. How can I expect to lose - how many was it? Seven inches? - off my hips and it not be affected?

(2) I could always get it covered. Although it does contain alot of black. To be fair though, at this rate it's going to be tiny and so easily covered - I hope?

Well, it's a small price to pay, eh? It can be remedied. It feels like a big deal but I guess I should think about the bigger picture.

I've asked people on various Lighterlife forums if they've noticed anything similar but their tattoos seem to be unaffected. I guess mine was on a particularly fleshy part (which at the time I thought was super clever because being on my back it wouldn't be affected by pregnancy) and quite new too.

I have big plans for when I lose all of my weight - well, pipe dreams shall we say. In my ideal world, this is how it'd go down: I want to get a tummy tuck, breast lift, bingo wing removal (now that one I haven't researched but I assume it exists. The tops of my arms are extremo saggy.), so hopefully I will have the body my 22 year old self deserves and not this saggy, stretch-mark ridden sack. When that's all healed I want two old skool symmetrical swallows on my front near my hips (fuck pregnancy, I don't want to ruin my new body. I've always felt physically sick when it comes to child birth anyway. It's all about the adoption imo) and a back piece of a Japanese phoenix going from my shoulders down to mid-thigh. Now that sucker should cover my squiffy key! So yeah, how much'll that cost? Ball park figures - Tummy tuck £5,000, boobs £3,500, bingo wings no idea...let's say £3,000, swallows £250, phoenix £1,000 (let's hope it's less, eh?). Sod it, I'm worth it!

Sorry if this has been rambling rubbish. I've listening to the High School Musical 3 soundtrack very loudly in anticipation of seeing the film on Wednesday while writing. I cannot wait. So much for me being a grown up, eh? I tried, I really did. I just love Hello Kitty too much. I can't do it. I'm immature, I'm not independent. I tried, I just don't know what to do. I can't force it. Urgh, the whole situation just irritates me. I don't like to think about it.

Anyway, I'm getting very tired now. Group tomorrow! I will report back. =)

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Day 110 Week 15

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 21:00:13 +0200

Wow, isn't it nice to be on holiday and to sit around writing exceptionally long blog posts?

Well, since then I've had my birthday and decided that I'm a grown-up now and should 'knuckle down' (which is such a grown-up thing to do, of course). This means studying every hour God sends and I tell you what, it's bloody knackering. (Did I mention I am doing a distance learning course funded by my work that I've so far shockingly neglected?)

Rather conveniently, I was also sent to another department as soon as I came back off holiday (doing a job that's a step up although not pay-wise) and so have a sandbox in which to exercise my new grown-up-ness. This involves studying before work and during lunch and not being seen dossing around on the internet.

Needless to say, I have fallen behind on many important internet duties. Ebay, paypal and blog.co.uk have all suffered. Not to mention I haven't even glimpsed Perez in days.

To be completely honest with you, I am dog tired at the moment. I can't believe it but my new work and trying to learn has left me run-ragged. I'm finding it really hard to find time to do things. Now for instance, I am blogging rather than doing the annoying virtual legal research skills practice I have scheduled myself...and I'm only blogging because I have left it for some long.

Anyway, time is slipping away from me these days and I can't keep up. That's what I wanted to say. You guys don't come here to hear about that so I'll leave it there.

After reading that, I hope you'll forgive me for being brief:

I lost 2lb at group last night. I was fairly disappointed (because that was after firstly being weighed with my shoes on) but decided my small loss was because I lost 5lb last week.

The group wasn't quite as heinously large this week. There were no people sitting on the floor!! My Foundation Crew, the cool kids, entertained the old-timers and I think we're starting to get along. I did actually LOL (and I mean the kind where laughter involuntarily and unexpectedly erupts out of you rather than a quiet 'oh haha, that's funny') a couple of times in group.

I have started to like Thai Chilli soup again, rather strangely. I have discovered that when it says 'Thai Chilli' what it really means is 'devoid of any chilli flavouring, add copious amounts of Tabasco if you want to stand any chance of tasting something remotely spicy'. I think the thing that really gets me excited about Thai Chilli soups is that they have those weird little chewy bits like in Pot Noodles. Dios Mio! Chewing something?!

Anyway, I really best be getting on. It's such a pain in the ass. My eyes are tired, my back aches, I can't concentrate. By the way, I doubt it's anything to do with Lighterlife in case you're putting two and two together. It hasn't been a problem so far. It's just a mixture of having really bad sleep lately (it didn't help, for instance, at 1.10am this morning when my mum woke me up to ask if I wanted to play with her sewing machine), trying really hard to study, getting up early and working hard. Oh yes, I'm a grown up alright.

Hopefully soon I will get the balance right. I mean well at least.

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Day 103 Week 14

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:15:28 +0200

BRILLIANT news!!! I weighed myself this morning and what did I weigh....14st 11lb! I have lost 4st - I am half way through! Of course, that was this morning and not last night at weigh-in but who cares! Four freaking stone, that's a hell of a lot. I want to jump up and down outside shouting "FOUR STONE!!!" but I'm in bed with just my nightie on at the mo and I don't think my boobs could withstand the abuse without a sports bra on.

I am also very pleased about something else. Something I should have really put on my goal list but never realised was a goal of mine. I have two pairs of scales because I am anal and became fanatical about the seemingly bizarre readings my scales would give (denial much?): one is a jazzy digital set that gives you your weight, the percentage of your body that is fat and some other figure I can't remember (since doing LL it's been going up so I assume it's good? Or it's what percentage of me is water perhaps. Maybe it's years left until I die? It is current 31, which could be possible. Clever scales.) and the other set are proper old-school bog standard scales. Both are kept on a little piece of wood on my carpetted floor (I did say I was anal).

So anyway, when I bought the digital scales I could not get the bloody body fat percentage function to work. I put in my gender and height and made sure my feet touched the metal but it kept coming up with an error message. My (fat but less fat than me at the time) boyfriend tried it and it worked. I was stumped but came up with some rubbish excuse about how my massive thighs pushing together all the way down to the knee when I stood with my feet so close together must have confused the little magic waves that measure your body fat.

I got used to seeing the error message instead of a percentage. I began to accept the fact that my 'fat thighs' theory was probably wrong and it was probably because the percentage was so high it overwhelmed the scales. I started Lighterlife. Time passed. Around the Week 6 mark when I was comfortably mid-17st one day a number appeared - 61%. Sixty-freaking-one percent! What the hell would it have been when I first bought them? Second thoughts, don't wanna know.

I was really keen to get below 50% because somehow that made things seem okay, that seemed to be the magic number. And guess what? Today I am 49%!!! Less than 50% of my body weight is fat!! I can't believe I used to weigh so much that the poor bloody scales couldn't even measure how much of me was fat. It seems verging on obscene that over two thirds of my body was lard. No wonder I have so many stretch marks. Why couldn't I see it then? Why did I think it was okay? Or did I think it was okay? I have the shortest memory ever, I can't really remember.

I'm going to add that to the list of goals I made a little while ago. I'm also going to try and add a few more because I'm sure, like that one, there are others that I'm trying to do that I haven't realise are goals.

So, group last night. It was the first week of Developers. After your first 14 weeks in Foundation, which is a closed group with the same people every week, if you still have weight to lose you remain in abstinence and move on to Developers. Developers is not a closed group but it is still same sex. You stay in Developers as long as it takes you to lose your additional weight. Last night I swear to God there were at least 30 people in the group. It was like someone had ferried half the women in Waterloo Station into class. There were people sitting on the floor for fuck's sake.

This was a massive shock to my system. It wasn't until then that I realised how much I liked my group. Now I see that the small numbers, the same faces every week, people who were friends had really helped me. It felt like we were a team. Last night though was horrible. Somehow I got separated from my mum and Team Foundation while I was being weighed and I got sandwiched between two lots of clicky, gossiping, hostile 'old timers' with their backs to me. I'm shit at these situations at the best of times (despite writing intimately to strangers) and there I just crumbled. I sat looking at my trainers and fiddling with a pen while the rest of the room buzzed with chatter. I freaking hated it. It was shit on a stick. I don't know how I'm going to get through 4st 7lb more of that.

Our counsellor kept flitting round weighing people and giving out foodpacks in her perpetually positive way and beamed as she told us she was so glad to see us all and that the group wouldn't always be this busy. I can't really see how that's true because people aren't all going to hit their target weights at the same time. People will leave in dribs and drabs, not in massive chunks. I don't think I'd feel a whole lot better if I turned up on Tuesday and there were 29 cackling old timers instead of 30.

So here's what I lost anyway. It was a good week. I think I lost so much because I only lost 2lb the week before. Carry on 5lb losses, let me get out of stinky Developers:

I found a picture of myself from this time last year on Facebook and I so, so, so want to show it to you but I'm worried about blowing my cover. After dissing Developers and my mum (occasionally), I'd hate to get found out and I know my blog comes quite high up on the results if you search for lighterlife on Yahoo, so it could happen. I'm so huge though, I hardly recognise myself. Maybe once this is all done and dusted and I don't have to see my counsellor anymore and my mum is so amazed at my weight loss she won't mind reading that I wanted to denounce her as a liar and a cheat.

I have written a lot more than this because I had some other things I wanted to tell you about but I think you and I will get bored if I write it all as one long post, so for now I'll leave it at this. All I'll say is birthdays and kaftans, lol. Perhaps I spent too long telling you about my digital scales, eh?

Anyway, until next time!

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